


Back On Love

by raelee514



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Slow Burn, all I know for now, mentions of child abuse, mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide via jackson history
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2019-12-27 01:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 48,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18294032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: Robert Sugden never expected to go back to Emmerdale. He never expected to be a father either.  But suddenly he has a son, who like him has lost a mother before he can even crawl.  Then his father dies and he finds himself home feeling like it's where he needs to be...  But does he want to be?Aaron ran away from the village to France with Ed, to leave behind the bad memories of his first love Jackson. But homesickness and a realization of who his family is and who he wants them to be, has his taking his mother's last name and returning home.





	1. Chapter 1

Robert watched the word form in the search box as his fingers hit the letters on the keyboard of his laptop: B I S E X U A L. He wasn’t breathing. His finger still hovered over the L, unable to go to move toward the enter button. It would be all it took, right? Was he even searching it right? Was it too broad? Too vague. He closed his eyes and mentally shook himself. Finger moving toward enter, when he heard the door fly open and his mother’s voice filled the room.

“Robert!”

He slammed closed the laptop, grabbed the baby monitor that was on his desk and got up. Stepping out of his room, he saw his mother stood at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips. “Why are all the boxes still on the porch?”

“Seb was a little beast about his nap, I was just about to bring them in.”

“You’re sure you want to be here?” she asked. 

“I do,” he said and told himself it wasn’t a lie. He couldn’t see himself anywhere else, not with the monumental life changes that occurred nearly simultaneously in his life. On cue, Sebastian started crying. “I told you…” he turned to head toward his son’s room. He heard his mother’s shoes clacking on the stairs behind him. Sure enough, she was in the doorway as he turned, holding his fussy son. He didn’t know what he was doing, he thought as he looked at his face and saw eyes a lot like his own staring right back at him. And love that he’d hadn’t known existed washed over him — he didn’t get it. How could he love him so much? He hadn’t even known he existed until a month ago. He had never wanted to be a father, it’d been the last thing he ever wanted… 

Rebecca hadn’t told him, but for some reason, she’d put his name on the birth certificate. Had she been planning on getting around to it? He didn’t know, it didn’t matter because she was dead. Her whole family was dead. He sighed, thinking about Chrissie. Regret threatening to give him a headache. 

Seb let out a small cry, and he looked at him. That love hitting and he frowned, the tiny piece of him he rarely thought about rising up. He’d lost his mum too before he could do anything but cry. Questions about her, his biological mother, always haunted him. Did he sound like her, was he more like her than Jack? Is that where it came from? He hated Sebastian would have that same tiny hole, full of a million questions. He heard Sarah tut, to get his attention and her sure hands were taking the baby from him. 

Could he be what she was to his son? Sarah Sugden was his mother, his family, the only person who ever loved him unconditionally, despite the constant disappointment. 

“This is just what I need, after being at the solicitor's all day,” she said hugging Seb to her chest. 

His father’s lawyers. Legalities with the will. Which he’d been surprised to find he’d been in. Not that it'd been anything, not really, just his own share in a farm he wanted nothing to do with — despite living there again. Jack died less than a week after he found about Sebastian. He couldn’t help but wonder at the timing, he finds out he’s a father, and he loses his own before they can sort anything out. Before they can have a shot. 

And he’d been wondering about trying, even as it made his skin crawl, but he’d look at Seb and thought he’d fail as a father if he couldn’t figure out how to have a relationship with his own. 

Of course, Jack died. He never could let Robert have things. 

“Robert?”

He looked in his mother’s warm eyes. “Yeah.”

“He loved you.”

His jaw clenched, and he touched Seb’s head. “I get that,” he muttered. Maybe he believed it. Now. But he was dead sure Jack Sugden had hated him too — what was it they said about the fine line between love and hate. 

“Do you?”

“Mum.”

“Someday you’re telling me why you ran away. But since that won’t be now. Bring in the boxes,” she snapped, before softening her voice. “Come on kiddo, let’s get you a bottle.”

He groaned when he got to the porch and looked at the boxes that were his London life. All packed up. He didn’t have room for everything in them in his old bedroom. But what choice did he have? He couldn’t raise Seb on his own? Vic and his mum needed him here in Emmerdale? He wasn’t quite buying his reasons for staying. He hadn’t even gone to the funeral, but knowing his son might bring a smile to his mother’s face had made him drive up to the house anyway. 

About to pick them up, he heard loud laughter and looked out toward the driveway. It was his sister’s boyfriend, he realized. A loud and obnoxious, not too bright lad named Adam. He was quite sure Victoria could do better, but she looked at him like he hung the moon. He gritted his teeth and told himself to be at least civil — he could try it anyway. 

He frowned though as another man out of the car, his sister not in sight. What the hell? The other guy said something that caused Adam to fall into another peel of obnoxious laughter. Robert was about to roll his eyes when the guy turned toward the house, and he saw his face. 

Shit. 

His mouth went dry as attraction slammed into him. He shook himself and was suddenly back at the laptop upstairs. His heart hammering. Mixed feelings about what and who he was getting tangled up in his head. So much was changing, he felt like he needed to change — he had a son, now. But did he really want too? Did he want to face it? It wasn’t even new. He’s known, or thought, he’s avoided it since he was a teenaged kid. Though not all that well. He wasn’t inexperienced and the series of men he’d cheated on Chrissie with sprung to mind. 

Adam and his friend were laughing loudly again. Robert glanced at the man again and thought, not any of the men he’d been with been that bloody fit. Not that it mattered. It didn’t matter. He looked at the guy, and there was no way he had a shot there. Not that he wanted one — not really. 

His life was chaos as it was… his father was gone, he had a son that was making him think and question things, that maybe he didn’t want to think about or question or at all. He was lost, he was at some kind of crossroads. Which somehow brought him back to Emmerdale of all places. 

He’d once sworn he’d never step foot there again.

Adam and the guy barged up the steps of the porch. “Hiya,” Adam said to him. “Vic back yet?”

“No,” he said.

“Damn, I told you we were early,” he said slapping his mate on the arm.  
“Oh, yeah, Aaron this is Vic’s other brother, Robert. Robert, this is my best mate Aaron.” 

Their eyes met and Robert bit the inside of his cheek, hoping his reaction to the man’s eyes wasn’t evident. It wasn’t even the shade of the blue, though it was that, it was the depth of them. Aaron wasn’t empty, he thought, there was something there. There was life in his eyes, and Robert felt pulled toward it. He immediately tried to shake it off. 

They both grunted pleasantries. 

“We’ll just go in and wait for Vic,” Adam said. “Sarah always has something in the kitchen…”

Robert frowned and wondered just how much his mum was spending on feeding Adam Barton? He knew the finances were a mess, he was going to need to try again at getting her to let him look at them. He could help, it was the one thing he might be able to do… He sure as hell wasn’t about to become a farmer. But there was business aspect of it, and there was his mum’s bookstore — he was sure that could be bigger and more successful than it was. His dad always viewed it as her silly hobby, but he knew it mattered to her. Why couldn’t Andy take over the farm, he thought — then shook his head.

His older brother was a whole other problem. He put it out of his head for the moment and picked up a stack of three boxes. Maneuvered through the door and was about to start up the stairs, when the bottom of the bottom box gave out, and a bunch of his business files and books went all over the floor, causing him to drop everything else. He cursed up a storm and sighed in slight relief as the rest of the boxes stayed intact. 

“That’s a mess,” a voice said. 

It was gravelly, and Robert turned and saw Aaron standing by the foot of the stairs. The attraction slammed into him again, and he tried to shake it off — but realized it wasn’t about to go. Not when Aaron was looking directly at him. He watched Aaron stepping forward. He started picking up the files that landed by his feet. 

Robert blinked at him for another second or two, before bending down himself and grabbing up the books that fallen, checking them for damage as he went. 

“Pretty protective,” Aaron laughed. 

Robert smoothed out some pages of his special edition Lord of The Rings, that fallen face down and open. “It’s expensive,” he said, though that wasn't why he was being fussy. 

“Leather bound?” Aaron laughed.

“Matter of fact, yes.” 

“I was kidding.”

Robert rolled his eyes. 

Aaron handed him everything he picked up. 

Their eyes met again, and Robert willed himself not to lick his lips, they felt suddenly parched. He tore his eyes away and put the papers Aaron handed on top of the books. “I gotta…” he took off up the stairs. He tossed everything on his bed and headed back down the stairs. All he saw was his boxes, and he tried to tell himself he wasn’t at all disappointed. 

~~~

Aaron wandered back into the kitchen after Robert all but run up the stairs. He couldn’t get a beat on the guy, beyond fit. He’d heard a lot about Robert Sugden over the years — small villages and bad gossip. But no one ever quite mentioned how fit he was, though Aaron supposed when bad mouthing a man, you don’t mention the great arse. He shook his head, reminded himself that checking out straight guys was asking for trouble and that was the last thing he needed. 

“Aaron Livesy?” Sarah Sugden’s voice called out.

He blinked surprised to see her holding a baby and smiling. Jack Sugden just died, and when he'd seen Victoria, she’d been red-rimmed and lost. But Sarah was holding a tiny baby and smiling at them as fed them a bottle. 

“It’s Dingle now,” Adam said. “He went and changed it while in France.”

“Did you? Are you staying? Chas will be made up.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I missed it here…” he shrugged. It surprised him, the homesickness. Especially when a year ago, he hadn’t been able to get out of Emmerdale fast enough. The memories too bleak and harmful. Ed, having to leave had felt like fate at the time. He hadn’t expected to miss his family as hard as he did, to realize he was a Dingle through and through — and how that name didn’t cause pain to squeeze at him from all sides. 

“Are you still with Ed?”

“Uh..no,” he said and tried not to wince. He’d really fouled things up with Ed, and he knew he should probably feel guiltier about than he did — but things been wrong for a long time. He’d known it but tried to ignore it, because Ed was a great guy and he’d been just what Aaron needed after everything with Jackson. 

Jackson. It still hurt but the pain wasn’t a hard sting any longer. He’d dropped by his grave and felt able to talk with him. About France, about missing the Dingles, his mum and coming home. He felt on solid ground in a way for the first time in a long time. 

He hoped it lasted. 

“Oh, that’s my phone…” Sarah exclaimed, and suddenly Aaron had a baby in his arms. 

“Hahaha,” Adam laughed as he stuffed his face with more of the sarnie he’d been eating. 

Aaron glared at him but shifted the baby and found himself looking into eyes that felt oddly familiar. Then it flashed into his mind, meeting Robert, all of a few moments ago. He’d noticed his eyes, of course, he had, they weren’t blue, they weren’t green — he’d never seen a shade like that before, and it’d just added to finding the man fit. His kid had his eyes, he’d be a lady or man killer, then Aaron thought. Like his womanizing father, though… He tried to put the stories he’d heard his mum and others say about Robert Sugden to the awkward guy who fussed over leather bound books together. 

And one plus one wasn’t equalling two. 

“From what Vic tells me about that kid’s mum… she isn’t so sure she was ever going to tell Robert about the kid, even if she did put his name on the birth certificate.”

“Then why put his name down?” Aaron said.

“Vic said she was an odd one. Maybe it was just a whim.” 

“A whim?”

“Bad accident that, though. A whole family gone, just him… good thing he won’t remember.” 

Aaron nodded, thinking he wished he couldn’t remember some of his own tragedies. He looked at Seb’s face and nodded again. “For the best, he won’t know.” 

“Know what?” Robert’s voice was loud and hard from behind them. 

Aaron barely turned toward him when Seb was out of his arms, and Robert Sugden was glaring at both him and Adam.


	2. Chapter 2

It happened quickly, in a flash the little boy wasn’t in his hands and was being held protectively against his father’s chest. Aaron blinked as he stared the sight of it, and how Robert Sugden’s eyes were going between concern and anger as they flicked from the baby to him and Adam.

“It’s fine mate, I was just saying it’s for the best. Right? That Little Seb can’t remember anything…”

Aaron watched something flare in Sugden’s eyes, for a split second he thought it was fear, but he couldn’t be sure because pure anger took over and he hissed at Adam. 

“For the best? That he can’t remember his family? His Mum? That’s for the best is it, him not remembering his mother? Just how bloody stupid are you, anyway…”

“Hey,” Aaron shouted his protective instincts for Adam kicking in. “That’s not fair.”

“Not fair, his mother his dead,” Sugden yelled at him, his voice breaking a bit and Aaron saw a flash of pain in his eyes before the anger swallowed it up. 

He must have loved her. The mother, whoever she was, Aaron thought. And he could imagine that and quickly wished he hadn’t. “Look, we didn’t mean anything bad. Just it’s a bad situation…”

“And how is it any of your business,” Sugden snapped at him. 

Aaron narrowed his eyes. The bit of understanding he felt started to wane in the wake of Sugden’s rudeness.

“What is going on?” Sarah walked in and looked right at her son.

“Did you give him Seb?” He jabbed his thumb toward Aaron. “Don’t hand my son to bloody strangers,” he yelled at her nod, then he stalked out of the room. 

“I didn’t mean to upset him, Sarah,” Adam muttered. 

Sarah turned from where she was staring at the space her son had vacated, and she nodded. “It’s… complicated Adam, and he shouts and gets mad because it’s easier. I’m sorry,” she offered.

“He should apologize,” Aaron said.

“Don’t hold your breath, boys,” Sarah said with a wry chuckle. 

Aaron looked toward where Sugden disappeared. He thought he was an arsehole, the way he spoke to Adam and then his own mother. Who did the guy think he was? But he’d looked and held his son with a fierce protectiveness. He’d looked and sounded so upset about the mother. “He and the mother, were they close?” He felt dumb for voicing it, it was none of his business and excuse Sugden’s behavior. 

Sarah sighed. “Your guess is as good as mine. He’s barely called since he took off at nineteen. I know nothing, Victoria met her once, but I don’t think she was very fond of her.” 

“She wasn’t,” Adam offered. 

Sarah frowned. “I’m happy he’s home, finally. Even if it took…” she shook her head. “It’s that little boy, he’s the only reason, I have my son back. The timing could be better.”

“I’m sorry, about Mr. Sugden,” Aaron offered, realizing he hadn’t yet. “Everyone is upset.” 

“Jack was an important part of Emmerdale,” she smiled. “Fool that he was and pain in the arse,” she smiled sadly. “Victoria has called,” she said looking at Adam. “She wants to meet at the Woolpack.”

“Of course she does,” Adam chuckled. “We'll get out of your hair.”

“Try not to hate Robert?” she said. 

Adam shrugged. 

Sarah’s eyes landed on Aaron. 

“Barely know him,” Aaron said. “It’ll stay that way.”

Sarah nodded and walked with them to the front door. 

Aaron glanced back before getting into Adam’s car and saw her staring up the stairs, hands on her hips through the door. He silently wished her luck. He knew she’d need it and told himself to stop. He needed to stop, trying to figure out Robert Sugden. But his brain was whirring on it for some reason. It was just the situation, he’d lost someone he cared about — two people really. The mother of his son and his father. Aaron knew the loss of a lover, anyway, and he couldn’t imagine dealing with that pain with a tiny little life in his hands.

“Oi, Aaron…” Adam shouted from in the car. 

Aaron shook himself. It was none of his business. None at all. 

~~~  
Robert closed his eyes and felt Sebastian’s heartbeat against his palm. He’d calmed him down, somehow, he wasn’t sure and put him down in his little cot. Pressed his hand to chest, lightly, because there was something about feeling his heartbeat. He’d done the first night he had him, afraid for a moment, he’d stopped breathing because he’d gone from crying bloody murder to silence. It’d been disconcerting, and Robert never had so much as a pet — not wanting anything to do with animals once he escaped the farm. How was he meant to keep a baby alive?

How? He stared at him again and felt that hard punch of love. It was overwhelming, it wasn’t stopping, he expected to not. He’d love Sebastian more than he knew possible forever. Fuck it was daunting. He heard the door to his creak and sighed. 

“What was that?” 

He shrugged. 

“Robert?”

He looked up at his mum and felt another punch of emotion. This time guilt. She was always there for him, though he’d barely called her over the years. Whenever he did, it’d been because he’d screwed up. Done something that disappointed her and he’d hear that over the phone. But she always loved him anyway, she loved him always. 

Always had from the moment she appeared his life until this second. He wondered if he could live up to her. If he could be that for Sebastian. But how, when he barely knew he was? When everything between him and his own father would forever remain horrible? 

“Did you love her?”

He blinked. “What? Who?”

“Rebecca.”

He laughed. Both because the question felt out nowhere, totally unexpected and because the idea of him loving Rebecca was absurd. He shook his head and felt regret and guilt. He used her. “No. I loved her sister, though...sorta.” 

“Robert?” Sarah questioned. 

“I was…” he laughed because it all felt ridiculous. “I was, um, engaged to Chrissie.” 

“What?”

He ran his hands through his hair. “It fell apart.”

“Because you had an affair with her sister?”

“Not exactly,” he winced, thinking about Eli, the man Chrissie found him in bed with. 

“Oh, Robert, are you ever going to grow up?”

He looked at Sebastian. “I hope so,” he whispered. 

Sarah wrapped her arms around him from behind and hugged him tightly. “He’s quite special, isn’t he?”

“He’s perfect.”

“I know… and now you know how I feel when I look at you, Victoria and Andy.”

He tensed at the mention of Andy. 

“I’m going to mess this up,” he said. 

“Of course you are, all parents do — just love him, Robert.”

Robert thought about all the times he believed Jack didn’t like him, wasn’t even trying to like him. He stared at Seb and knew, just knew, he’d fight against ever doing that to his own son. 

“You need to apologize to Adam and Aaron.”

“What why?” 

“Robert.”

“They were talking about my son like they know what’s best…”

“They were showing concern over a baby who lost his family traumatically… They’re good boys and Robert, you’re going to need friends?”

“What could I possibly have in common with them?”

“Your sister. She loves both of them,” Sarah chuckled. “Aaron was her first boyfriend, you know. Oh, what a debacle that was…”

Robert’s mouth dropped open horrified and not at all liking the image in his mind of his sister and Aaron Dingle. For all the wrong reasons and he shoved away the odd bite of jealousy. He didn’t even know the guy, and he had no intention of knowing him. 

“I mean it, Robert.”

“Fine…” he muttered. “I’m only doing it for Vic, cause she likes that mug.” 

“Adam is a decent and loyal lad, he’s good for her.”

“He better be,” he said. 

“Why don’t I watch, Sebastian, and you go down to the Woolpack. Go see the village, meet new people, say hello to the others?”

“Mum.”

Sarah eyed him. “I know a piece of you still wants to be far away from here. But you need to be here, so you may as well embrace Emmerdale.”

He scoffed but found himself nodding. 

“Good. Go get a pint. I want some one on one time with my grandson.”

He nodded and bent down to kiss his son goodbye. Then he pecked his mother’s cheek and grabbed his car keys. He sighed as he started his car, he wasn’t sure about going to the Woolpack at all — but why not get it over with.


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron rolled his eyes as his mother crashed into him, hugging him tightly. “I missed ya,” she said into his ear.

“Was just here,” he mumbled.

“You’ve been gone, I missed ya,” she pinched his cheeks.

He shrugged out of her reached.

“I did something,” she cocked her head for him to follow her through the back of the bar. He rolled his eyes again and Adam slapped him on the back and just laughed. He watched Adam head over to where Victoria was sitting with Katie and Andy. Then he finally followed his mother, when he reached the back room she was standing by the kitchen table holding a picture frame. He walked closer and saw the name change certificate he’d given her as his way of telling her what he’d done. He couldn’t help the smile. He’d known she’d be happy about it, but seeing it, feeling it, it meant more than he knew how to express. He felt his eyes sting the back of his hand went up to wipe at them.

“Oh don’t… I’ll start,” Chas laughed. “Are you, sure about this?”

“What?”

“I just, not sure I understand why, Aaron. What about your dad?”

“I told ya, I realized all of you — all the Dingles, Cain, Zak, Lisa… You’re my family. Gordon isn’t.” 

Chas shook her head. “You and he used to be so close.”

“Things change, he kicked me out, neither of us looked back…” he shook his head and refused to let this go on longer. “You're my family, the Dingles, yeah. Just aren’t you happy?”

Chas hugged him again, too tight and he groaned a bit and tapped her back. “Can’t breathe.”

“I just missed ya,” she smiled at him.

“You sure, not quite feeling it…”

She chuckled and patted his cheek. “You’re staying, really?”

“I missed it here,” he said.

“What about Ed?” she asked.

Ed. He really screwed it up with Ed, but it all just gotten. Dull. He liked him but hadn't loved him? He wasn’t sure ever had, maybe only wanted too and it was a weird feeling once it struck him. And it struck him the hard way, boredom making his eyes stray and then there was a one night stand. He winced, not feeling great about it, but his guilt had felt muted. Because it'd made it clear. They were over, and he’d come clean and blindsided Ed. They’d probably never speak again, and he regretted it. “It didn’t work out,” he muttered. “Can we just leave it at that?”

“All right… we’ll just have to find you some nice that’s closer to home.” Chas’ eyes sparked. 

“Mum…” he sighed and hoped she had no one in mind. A set up was the last thing he needed. Worst nightmare really and he wasn’t really in a rush to meet someone. He just wanted to have some fun, be his age, let things happen and not look for another relationship to fall right into. 

“So, uh…” he decided to change the subject. “Cain have an opening at the garage?”

“I’m sure he does for you,” Chas said. “He’s coming to the bar soon, the whole family is, they’ve heard your home and a Dingle, you know.”

He swallowed his groan. He'd known it happen and hoped he braced for it, but sometimes reality just wasn’t something to prepare for. But it'd be great seeing them all and knowing they accept him. He knew that, and it felt odd. He wiped at his eyes again, remembering the depth of his homesickness and realizing it was gone. 

“You okay?” Chas asked.

“I’m great,” he said. 

“Where did you and Adam get off then?”

“The Sugden’s thought we were meant to meet Vic up there.”

“How is Sarah,” Chas shook her head. “Her and Jack went through it a few times, but always seemed to come out stronger. It was so sudden.”

Aaron shrugged. “Her grandkid seems to be cheering her up.”

“Oh right. Robert Sugden showed up with a kid… surprised it was only one, that boy could never keep it in his pants. He better keep away from Katie, surprised he’d set foot back here for good.” 

“Guess it’s the kid innit?”

“Did you meet him?”  
“A bit…” Aaron felt uncomfortable, he wasn’t happy with his reactions to the man. Attraction shouldn’t throw him off so much — but it’s more than that. He’d been rude, downright horrible really in a lot of ways, but he’d also been so protective of his son. And Aaron thought he saw grief clouding those damn eyes of his… and he never looked people in the eye much, but he couldn’t get Sugden’s out of his mind the moment he came up 

“Bet he made a bad impression,” Chas nodded and headed back toward the bar. 

“There was an impression,” Aaron muttered. 

~~~

Robert got distracted by the cemetery. 

He walked to the edge of it and stood there. The thought about making his way to his father’s maker was stomped out quickly as he realized he wouldn’t know where to look for it. He sighed and wondered if he really wanted to anyway? What would he do there? Grieve? What exactly? A what if? What if they could find common ground? Would they ever like each other? It felt impossible? He winced as he remembered too many times with fists and shouts. 

Some of his darkest secrets. 

Jack Sugden didn’t like him and would he ever? Could that change? He sighed and wondered, especially given his current thoughts about his sexuality? Wouldn’t Jack love it if he maybe put a word to it? Admitted it aloud? He shivered, as a gust of wind wrapped around him — where that come from? Robert shook his head. Fatherhood made his mind go in so many directions. Simultaneous thoughts that didn’t work together: Come out and makeup with Jack. 

And now he could only do one. 

And maybe it should be a relief. 

He turned and squared his shoulders, made his way to the Woolpack and wondered how he could find a way to say he was sorry without actually saying it. He wasn’t not apologetic for lashing out, but he wasn’t really regretting it either. Sebastian was everything now, just his everything and neither Adam or Aaron understood that, how could they? He barely understood it, but he hated that his son was starting his life in the same way he’d started his own. With a father who had no idea what he was doing and no mother. It felt unfair and made him terrified of making catastrophic mistakes. 

But no, no. He was making himself the promise. There was nothing Sebastian could do, nothing that would make him turn his back on his son. Ever. Ever. If he could just believe that he could pull that off — he wasn’t the best person, he was selfish and he was angry. 

He pushed open the door to the pub and winced at the noise level. A quick glance told him that nearly every Dingle in the village was in the bar, laughing and slamming back pints. Was that Sam Dingle with a Wellie? He cringed at the thought and looked around, looking for Adam or Aaron. He’d promised his mum, he thought, he’d try — for civil at the least. For Victoria, for mum.

His eyes found Andy and Katie. He cringed, turned in the opposite direction and headed toward the bogs. He pushed through the door and the noise became blessedly muted and he let out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t ready to face Andy. Or Katie. It was a mess. He and Andy hadn’t left on good terms, at all, and it was even worse with Katie. And they were back together which just made it worse, he thought — it would just remind everyone of what happened the last time when Robert went after her to hurt Andy. And he’d hurt everyone in the end, including himself. 

He went to the sink and splashed some water on his face. The door opened behind him and looked behind via the mirror and felt his breath catch. There was Aaron Dingle. Fit and sharped eyed. Those blue eyes found his in the mirror, and they stood there, staring. Until Robert found himself clearing his dry throat and remembered he was meant to try to make amends. 

He turned around. “Look…”

Aaron nodded. 

“I love my son,” he said instead of an apology. “I love him and, well… yeah.” 

Aaron shrugged. “I noticed.”

“Right, the shouting…”

Aaron laughed. 

“What?” Robert asked feeling defensive.

“Nothing just… did Sarah put you up to apologizing or something?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You’re horrible at it.”

“I know, that,” he muttered. “I’m not sorry.”

Aaron scoffed.

“But… I love Seb, and he’s just a few months old, and he’s lost an entire family. And… I know that pain, Aaron.” Robert clenched his jaw and wondered what made him say that out loud. To voice it, it was too much, it was too vulnerable. 

“Oh,” Aaron said. 

“Anyway… that’s all I guess,” Robert cleared his throat again and went to leave. 

“I think it’s great,” Aaron’s voice stopped him.

He turned back to him.

“How protective you are, it’s… important, innit, to protect him.”

Robert nodded.

Aaron nodded back. “We’re good…”

“I sense a but?”

“It’s Adam you really owe the apology too.”

Robert sighed. 

“He’s a good guy, and he loves your sister.”

“Did you?”

“What?”

Why had he asked that? Robert mentally berated himself, why did it matter, why did he feel a ridiculous jolt of jealousy. He didn’t even know this man. “Just mum mention you two dated too.”

Aaron laughed. “That wasn’t my best look, mate. But I love her, like a friend…Adam loves her, though, he does.” 

“He’ll be good to her?”

“Of course.”

Robert was impressed with Aaron’s loyalty, and he nodded again. The door opened, and another man walked into the room, so Robert made his exit and found himself in the noisy pub again. He sighed and searched out Adam, but again his eyes found his brother and Katie. He sighed. He couldn’t avoid it forever he decided. 

He’s standing by their table a moment later, heart hammering in his chest and wondering if by a miracle they can pull this off without it exploding. Andy and Katie both visibly stiffen as their heads turn unison to look at him. Robert offers a smile, but he’s afraid it comes across as a grimace. Katie’s face twisted into a sour expression. 

“What do you want, Robert?”

“To say hello, to my brother,” he said, and it came out harsher they meant but Katie’s glaring at him. 

“Couldn’t have done that at the funeral? Oh wait, you didn’t bother showing up until after and monopolizing Sarah’s time.”

“What?” he shook his head, that was ridiculous. So his mum had been excited to meet Sebastian. 

“What do you want, Robert.” It was Andy this time.

“Nothing.”

“Right,” Andy shook his head. “It’s always some game with you? What is it you want from Mum? What is it? She hasn’t got money, can’t be the farm — you wouldn’t know hard graft…”

“I don’t want anything.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I don’t,” Robert sighed. “I just want…” 

“What?”

“My family back,” he said, looking at Andy, hoping he sounded sincere. Because he meant it really. If finding out Sebastian existed given him anything was the reminder of how alone he felt. He wanted his family back, he’d been without them too long. That meant Andy too — despite the pain, the worry, and the past. 

“Right…” Andy muttered.

“I mean Andy, can we… can we have a pint, please?”

Andy stared at him for a beat, and then his expression softened.

“Andy you can’t be serious…” Katie said.

Andy shook his head. “It’s what dad would want…”

Robert wasn’t so sure of that. 

“I’ll get them, the pints,” Andy said and stood up.

“No, I should.”

“No, I want too,” Andy said, and he walked off toward the bar. Maybe he needed a minute, Robert thought. He knew he did. He took a breath and grabbed a chair from another table and pulled it up to Andy and Katies. He sat down and Katie was glaring at him. 

“Using Jack to get his defenses down, you never change.”

“I didn’t…”

“I know you, Robert. You’re up to something, and you're using that kid to get it — poor thing, he doesn’t know he’s stuck with a lowlife for a father.”

He stood up, the chair falling to the floor behind him, his hands curled into fists, but his anger made his tongue silent, and he just stared at her, gaping and wondering when she’d become that vindictive. Did she really hate him that much? But it didn’t matter, because how dare she bring his son into this, and he wanted to tell her off.

“What’s wrong Robert, know I’m right that way you’re gaping like a fish.”

His fury went cold. He bent down, hands on the table and got in her face. “Be careful, Katie. I’ve ruined your life before, I can do it again.” 

“Get off her,” Andy’s hands were on his back and pulling him away. He stumbled into the table but found his balance. “Andy…she…”

“Don’t blame it on her, Robert. It’s you, it’s always you. Get out.” 

Robert glared at both of them, and turned around. He pushed through the crowd and found his way outside, by his car. He leaned against it and looked up at the sky. It was full of stars, and he hadn’t seen that many in years. He wished it could calm him down. It wasn’t going to work, him being here, in Emmerdale. They all hated him, there wasn’t going to be any second chances. Not for him. 

He was about to just get in his car and drive back to the farm. Thinking about grabbing Sebastian and apologizing to his mum and going back to London. It felt too hard, it felt far too hard. But he heard steps on the gravel in the car park and looked up and saw Aaron Dingle walking toward him holding two pints. He stared at him confused. 

“Heard her,” Aaron said. “That was a low blow about your kid.” 

Robert took the offered pint. “Yeah, well, might deserve it.”

“What you do to her?”

“Don’t you know?”

“Oh, I’ve heard but didn’t care enough to commit the gossip to memory.”

Robert laughed. 

“I just… everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Do they? Maybe not,” he shook his head.   
“You can’t be that bad.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Don’t know.”

Robert shook his head. “Should you be inside, all the Dingles are there ‘cause of you right?”

“Uh, yeah.. I’m supposed to go drink from Wellie, make it all official-like…” he shook his head, but he was smiling.

Robert felt a flash of jealousy. Of Aaron getting a real welcome home, everyone wanting him and happy for him. “That sounds disgusting.”

Aaron shrugged. 

“Just thought, you might need that and deserve it.” He indicated the pint.

“Thanks.”

“See ya,” Aaron turned to go back inside.

Robert watched him walk away and groaned. He felt shaky and made his way over some of the tables they had outside the bar and sat down. He needed to breathe a bit, he thought. Regroup. He shook his head and took a sip of the beer. No, no, he wasn’t letting Andy and Katie drive him away. Emmerdale was his home too, hell it was more his than Andy’s. It was his birthright. This was where his family was — and he missed Victoria, he missed his mum. Jack had taken them away once, no one else was taking them away again. 

No.


	4. Chapter 4

The finances were a mess. Robert sighed as he jotted down a few notes and tried to organize the papers he was looking through in a way that made actual sense. How had his father and Andy let it get this bad? He’d sent his mum upstairs an hour ago, after finding her rubbing her temples and threatening to pull her hair out. He rubbed his own and fought back a yawn, and tried to find a piece of paper about lamb meat pricing he could’ve sworn he was just looking at a few seconds ago when he heard the front door squeak open. He glanced at the time and shook his head. It was 3 am, why was Victoria even bothering to come home? 

She appeared a few seconds later in the living room, staring at him where he sat at Jack’s old desk. Victoria blinked at him a few times, and he gave her a confused a look. 

“You look like him from this angle.”

He frowned. “It’s late, why didn’t you just stay at Adam’s?”

“He and Aaron passed out in the backroom of the pub,” she muttered. “Didn’t feel like elbowing my way between them.” She walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the desk. “Are they as bad as mum’s saying?”

“Worse,” Robert said. 

“We aren’t going to lose the farm are we?” 

“What would you care?” he asked. “You’re going to be a chef.”

“Not if I need to stay closer to home? I mean I want to take the course in Hotten but…”

“No, Vic,” he snapped. “You’re doing what you want to do with your life.” 

She smiled and lunged forward, tackling him practically off the chair as she hugged him. He groaned but twisted into her and wrapped his arms around her too. The angle was uncomfortable though, and they pulled apart laughing a few seconds later. 

“I missed ya,” Victoria said.

“Missed ya, too,” he admitted. 

“You really staying?”

“Yeah,” he said, though it sounded unconvincing and he hated that. “I am,” he added to make sure she believed him.

“Do you wanna?”

“You sound like Mum.”

“We both know you,” Victoria said. 

“I do, it’s just…” he sighed. “Complicated.”

“Right. Like why you left in first place?” 

Robert shook his head. It was best no one knew why he left, the real reason would cause more damage than good. He couldn’t do that to his mum and sister. He just couldn’t. “I’ve told ya, I just couldn’t stand it here anymore. You know Dad and me.”

“He missed ya, Robert.”

Robert snorted. 

"He did."

"He say that to ya, did he?"

"Well, no... But he was always in right mood on your birthday, and we could tell he missed you on holidays and such. And he asked me about you, you know, about a week before he died..." She wiped her eyes. "I keep thinking about that, do you think he knew?"

"It was a heart attack, Vic, he couldn't have known."

"Maybe not consciously, but he asked about ya if I'd talked to you lately."

Robert sighed. 

"Had to tell him you were ignoring my texts."

"I wasn't..."

"You were."

"Vic, it was just hard...and I had Seb."

She grinned. "With Rebecca White of all people."

Robert nodded. 

"I'm sorry about, you know Chrissie..." She hedged.

"I wasn't still in love with her, Vic."

"But you were engaged and all."

"It wasn't..." Robert sighed. "I was the same with her, I've always been with everyone. Cheat the minute I get bored." 

Victoria shook her head. "Is it that really?"

He met her eyes.

She stared at him. "Rob... Just have you ever been happy?"

"Yeah, the first time I held Seb," he whispered and knew that wasn't what she was looking for. It wasn't what he was looking for, either. But it was the truth, his only truth, the first time he felt truly happy. And he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt that kind of genuine happiness. No, it was holding his son for the first time, confused and perplexed by his existence and finding out love can happen at first sight that gave him his first taste of real bliss. 

"That's both sweet and sad, Rob," she said. 

He shrugged.

"I'm starving," she announced. "Come on."

"Vic, I gotta get a bit of a dent in this mess..."

"It's nearly 4 in the morning, come on, I'm making us an omelet." She grabbed his elbow, and he let her pull her from the chair, and they were in the kitchen. She started grabbing things from the refrigerator. "So, Aaron told Adam you were sorry about earlier... What was that about?"

"What?" he asked. Why had Dingle done that?   
"See, I found it weird."

"Mum... Wanted me to, all right, I went off on them cause they were talking about Seb losing everyone." 

"Huh?"

"Forget about it Vic, okay... It’s just," he sighed. "I keep thinking about Pat, you know my bio mum."

"You were a baby when she died?" she said her expression understanding. 

"Yeah, and... I used to ask questions and never got answers I liked. I don't want to do that to Seb, Vic. But I barely knew Bex, I barely liked her..."

"Liked her enough to sleep with her."

"Don't have to like people to sleep with them."

"Maybe that's part of your problem."

Robert shook his head. 

"You're going to be a great dad, Rob."

"You think?"

"Already are... Never seen you like you are with him." She started cracking eggs. "It's dead sweet, and I'm proud of ya."

Robert looked away from her, it was too much. 

"So, you really staying?"

He nodded. Both her and Mum were going to keep doing this, he thought. Looking at him like he's going to run for it again and leave Emmerdale. And he'd been close to it, just a few hours ago after his run-in with Katie and Andy. He felt one foot out the door -- he wasn't sure he could stay, he just knew that for all the pieces of him screaming to run. The louder voice was telling him to stay. "I promise," he said and hoped it wasn't a lie. 

"What about your job?"

"I'd already quit," he sighed. "It was too many hours, and I couldn't juggle it and Seb. Have a few freelance jobs lined up, doing business strategies and investment portfolios for people. I can do it from here, from my laptop. I have some savings built up. Should be okay for a bit... Might help mum really make a go of the bookstore once I get the farm finances figured out." 

He looked away from her, leaving out something he hadn't figured out how to deal with yet. Lawrence White's lawyers hadn't been thrilled with it when they told him. But he owned the majority of shares in White's farm equipment business due to being Sebastian's guardian. All of it went to his son as the sole living heir. It was his son's money, a legacy, maybe? He wasn't sure what to do. About it? With it? He needed to talk to White's lawyers, see about the other shareholders. But the truth was he avoiding it all, because once when he'd been with Chrissie, his whole ambition had been to get his hands on it. 

And now that he had it. 

It felt wrong. 

But for Seb? It was money. It was a future. 

He shook his head. He just couldn't deal with it yet, he would have to soon. Stop ignoring the calls the lawyers kept leaving him. But not now, he needed to get more settled. He needed to make sure his mum and sister were doing all right... Neither of them were. They'd lost Jack. It was a hole for them he couldn't understand, but he wanted to be there. 

"So, uh..." Victoria said her voice hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"Can you try to get along with Andy?"

"Vic." He felt instantly defensive. "If you're talking about at the pub, that was Katie."

She sighed. "Look, Aaron said he heard her say stuff about Seb, but... "

"But what? SHe has a right to say I'll be a terrible father, Vic?"

"It was that bad?"

He clenched his jaw. "Andy and me... It’s messed up, I know. I'll try, all right."

"I just wish you'd forgive him."

"It's not that simple."

"Mum didn't die."

"She could've..." Robert snapped. 

"I know but..."

"I'll try, I can't promise more than that... And there are things you don't know, Vic."

"Well, tell me?"

He shook his head. "It's too complicated."

"I'm not dumb, Robert," she snapped.

"Vic."

"Okay, okay." She scooped the omelets out of the pan. "Let's just eat and catch up a bit."

"On what?"

"Me and Adam. You and Seb." She beamed.

"Do I have too," he asked, but his tone was light and teasing.

She punched him lightly on the arm. "Yes."

"Fine. Fine."


	5. Chapter 5

Aaron stopped short the minute he hit the backroom because Charity was by the kitchen table hissing at Ross Barton who seemed to be hissing back. Maybe it was whispering, but it sounded too aggressive for that. He hadn't heard a word though, and he was happy with that. He paid them no mind and went to the kitchen and started to make himself up some toast. The second Ross and Charity spotted him, Ross disappeared quickly, but Charity was eyeing him with a look in her eye, he didn't like at all. 

"So...Aaron, you busy?"

"Starting back up at the garage..."

"Right, right, Chas mentioned...so..."

"No," he said, cutting Charity off. 

"I have this great..."

"No."

"It's a lucra..." 

"No," Aaron said again. "Stop asking and do one." 

Charity huffed and walked away. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. He'd promised himself. He'd promised his mum, he was going to stay on the straight and narrow. No more brushes with the law, he'd seen the inside of a jail cell one too many times already. He just wanted to live a nice and quiet life, near family and not get in scrapes. Which meant he should get moving, he realized. He was already late for the garage. 

~~~

Robert settled Seb in his carrier in front of him at a table in the cafe and collapsed into the seat. He'd spent his morning on the phone with lawyers, none of them his own. One of his mothers and the others Lawrence White's. He felt like he'd been up for days, and it was barely noon. 

"Bagahaja," Seb burbled. 

"Yeah, yeah..." Robert let his son grab his finger, his tiny hand gripping hard. "I know, I know, you don't give a damn about farm equipment do ya?" 

Seb blew a bubble. 

Robert grinned. "You, you get to decide, all right, Little man... Whatever you want, I won't care, I'll just help you do it." He nodded to himself because it was a promise to himself. He'd never push him, never try to make him be someone he wasn't. If his son wanted to join the circus he'd find the best circus for him to join it was going to be as simple as that. 

"What will it be?" a woman asked him and she was looking at him with a curious gleam. "You're Sarah, and Jack's son, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah, Robert."

"Brenda, I own this place, your mother and I have a bit a little deal..." She glanced out the window and Robert could see the bookstore door was wide open and a few little tables were set outside of it, people drinking out takeaway cups. 

"Yeah, right..." He nodded. 

"And this..." She grinned at Seb.

"Sebastian," he said, but he was bored now. "If I could just get an Americano."

"Oh, of course," she walked off, and seconds later, someone nearly barged right into the table and right into his son. It was enough that Seb let out a loud cry of distress, making Robert lunge forward and take him in his arms. 

"Oi, watch where the hell you're walking," he shouted. 

The man just glared at him, he was shorter than Robert with a dark beard and dumb look in his eyes. "Do one."

"You've upset my kid."

"So?"

Robert gritted his teeth. 

"Yeah, what a thought,' the guy laughed and left the building. 

"What are we doing here," he muttered to Seb as he calmed him down by laying him on his chest. "Huh? What are we doing?"

~~~

It was going two when Cain finally let Aaron take a break. He'd been putting him through is paces. Probably making sure he hadn't forgotten how to do the job while he was France and taking the piss and teasing him about living near Paris. The truth was Aaron only set foot in Paris once and hadn't had to urge to ever go back there. France had been good for him at first, but he hadn't really felt like he belonged there. 

He belonged here though he thought as he looked the quiet streets and the cobbled houses. He breathed it and ended up looking at Dale Head. It looked different, almost like a different house and he found that didn't unsettle him at all. It was nice, to be able to breathe in the places where he'd lived with Jackson and not feel dragged under by the pain and grief of it all. He missed him and he always would, but the ache was gone and the guilt -- it'd always be there, the wishing it could've been different, but he could handle it now. It wasn't eating him alive. 

Unconsciously his hand fell to his stomach as he turned away from the place and tried to decide if he wanted to go to the cafe or back to the pub for lunch. He decided he wasn't in the mood for his mum, yet, she was still pinching him to make sure he was there, and he was afraid his cheeks were going to bruise. He started to head toward the cafe but had to stop to take in the car that was sitting on the road, parked near Sarah's Books. 

It was an Audi Quattro, sleek and white, and he felt the urge to touch it and kick its tires. He wondered who it belonged too because no way anyone around here drove a car like that -- he wanted to drive a car like that. He was sure it was one of the newer models and felt a pang of envy that he'd never own something that -- maybe someday if the owner lived nearby he'd get to tune it up. It was all he could hope for. 

He forced himself to walk away and not go closer, afraid with his luck he'd set off the alarm or something. As he headed toward the cafe, he saw Ross Barton out of the corner of his eye and that morning came back to him. Curiosity flew through him, and he turned around, ready to call for him before deciding better of it. He'd fobbed off Charity, he shouldn't start sticking his nose in now -- like Ross would listen to him about not scheming with her. Half turned he meant to pivot back only Ross was getting into the Audi...

Aaron froze and watched Ross turn the engine and take off down the road too fast and hard, making gravel fly everywhere and the engine roar too loudly. He was dumbfounded and blinked as it happened. His mind instantly knowing now what it was Charity and Ross were up to -- it wasn't one bit of good. But there wasn't much he could about it either, he couldn't call the police, and he told himself he was going to keep his nose out of things. 

So he turned back to the cafe and ended up doing a double take as he watched Robert Sugden walked out of it, with his son on his hip and talking to his mother. They seemed to be heading the two feet to the bookstore. Aaron told himself to duck his head down and just go get his bloody lunch, but he couldn't stop himself from looking at Sugden. 

He was bright. All blonde and freckled. He wore jeans that were fitting him almost too well and a blue shirt that was not hiding his arms. A bicep was full view due to the way he was holding Seb. Aaron rolled his eyes, there was so much wrong with this attraction but really what did hurt to look... 

Only now Robert's face looked pinched and recognized that spark of anger that was forming in his eyes from when he and Adam upset him the Sugden's kitchen. He ended turning again because they'd passed him by and heard Robert shouting. 

"Where's my car? Where is my bloody car?"

Shit. 

"Robert, you'll upset him," Sarah shushed him and took the baby. 

"Mum, where is my car? Did you move it?"

"How would I do that... Isn't it right... Well, oh." 

"Well, oh? Mum where is my car..." He yanked out his phone. 

"Are you calling the police."

"No, I'm activating my bloody tracker."

"You should call the police."

Aaron groaned inwardly as he watched the exchange. He should keep out of it. He should keep WELL out of it but... "I saw who took it."

Robert turned mouth parted and eyes dark. "You just let someone steal it?"

"Didn't know it was yours did I," Aaron snapped. 

"Who took it?" Sarah asked. 

"Ross Barton."

Sarah's eyes rolled to the back of her head. "Fine. You two go take care of this and get the car back..." She handed Robert a set of keys. "Just please don't get arrested. I've got Sebastian..." She smiled at the little boy. 

Robert grabbed her keys and motioned for Aaron to join in her car. Aaron wasn't quite sure why he'd gotten into the passenger seat, but he was sliding on the seat belt, and Robert was handing him his phone. "Tracker system is up." 

"He's not bright, but he's smart enough to turn off the manufacturer's tracking."

"I put in my own, can't be too safe." 

"Huh..."

"What, I'm not an idiot," Robert said. 

"All right all right... Yeah... I see... Crap."

"What?"

"I know where's going and it's not good. My mum's cousin Charity is involved in this, and she's making a right mess it looks like... We can't call the police."

"Why the hell not? I'm catching him with my car and calling 'em." 

"Cause its family isn't..."

"Not mine."

Aaron groaned. "Look we can get your car back, no harm and no foul...."

"Oh, I'm supposed to trust you? Are you in on it?" Robert looked him up and down. "All that grease from stripping someone's call."

"I work at the garage, I don't steal, I'm not an idiot either..."

"Yeah, right, Dingle."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "You're being real nice to the guy, helping ya... Take a left here."

Robert peeled left sharply, making Sarah Sugden's car squeal as it did so and they both winced. "Shit, Mum's brakes are going... "Robert muttered.

"I'll look at them after."

"I can do it myself."

Aaron scoffed. 

"I used to work at that garage too, Dingle."

"Yeah, right..." Aaron looked him up and down. "You get dirty. There, Butler's farm."

"Cain in on this?"

"No way, Moira neither... They're going to kill Charity."

Robert slowed as they past Butler's main farming structures. "Where..."

"Up more a ways more... They have a few barns up there they don't use much."

"Well, someone's using them...." Robert slowed to stop in front of the furthers structure from the road and hopped out of the car. They both hopped up, and Robert strode forward quickly and Aaron reached out and grabbed his arm. 

He felt his hand curl around the bicep he'd been looking at earlier and felt his face flush, but he tried to stay on track. "Look, we can't just go barging in."

"Sure we can. We go in catch him , and I take my car back."

"What if someone else is in there with him?

"He's not afraid to use his fists."

"I can hold my own."

Aaron scoffed.

"What and who are you, Rocky?"

"I've been in a scrape or two."

The door the barn opened, and Charity walked out. "What's going on..." She asked all smiles. 

Aaron groaned, and Robert strode toward her. "I want my car back."

"What car?" Charity asked. 

"Come off it, Charity. I saw Ross take it."

"Did you now? And you didn't call 999?"

Aaron rolled his eyes. "You know why."

Robert looked between them.

"But it's Sugden's car, so..."

"And I care about that why?" Charity asked. 

"Because I'll call..."

"We'll tell Cain," Aaron cut him and smirked a bit as Charity balked. 

"There is no need to do that..."

Aaron nodded. "Good, then we'll get Sugden's car."

"Fine," she threw up her hands and turned around. "Follow me."

~~~

Robert rushed straight to the Audi the minute they walked into the barn. Running his hand over over the hood and opening the door. "If you hurt my car..."

"Oh, relax, our mechanic isn't even here. Little Ross doesn't like to get his hands dirty."

"Yeah, stealing cars keeps them so clean..." Aaron Dingle's voice rang through the air. 

Robert slipped into the driver's seat and looked around. The truth was the car was full of his stuff still, bags of books, and papers that he needed to go through and miscellaneous things that belonged to Sebastian from his life with Rebecca. Things that were Rebecca's, that Robert was trying to decide what he should keep for him. He grabbed one of those bags, thinking there were his son's memories, and he felt himself start to get madder. 

"You're just letting them take it back," Ross Barton's voice filled the air. 

"What can I do... It's that, or they tell Cain."

"I do all the work here... I better still my share for this, Charity."

He heard them, and it was all just inane chatter to him. He could have lost Seb's memories, his mum, all the things he needed to make sure Sebastian knew he was loved by more than just useless father. He was out of his car and slamming Ross into the nearest surface. 

"You're lucky I'm not calling the police," he snapped, and he wasn't even sure if he wasn't. 

"Go ahead call them, you have the car now, what they going to do?"

Robert slammed him again.

"Boys, boys..."

"I should kill you," Robert hissed, making sure Ross saw his eyes. 

"Robert," Aaron's hands were on his arms, yanking him back. "He's not worth it."

"I'd feel good."

"Yeah, but it's not worth it." 

"I see you near my car again, I will tip the police off to this little operations here, you got me..."

"Aaron, handle him," Charity snapped.

Robert rolled his eyes. "Aaron might need to play by your stupid Dingle code, but I don't... Both of you should remember that..." He lunged toward Ross again, but arms were keeping him back and pulling. 

Suddenly he was the one pinned against something. His car and Aaron Dingle was right up there in space, hands still gripping Robert's arms. His eyes fell to Aaron's chest and watched it move as he breathed. 

"They're not worth it," Aaron muttered, and he sounded defeated. 

Robert sighed and looked up. Damn it, those blue eyes again, and he was staring right at him, and it was like. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"People tell me I'm too angry all the time."

Yeah. He'd been seen. He felt his face flush. "Whatever,' he said and pushed Aaron off of him, he needed space. He needed to breathe. 

He watched Aaron blink and take a measured step back. "Give me the keys to your mum's car."

"Yeah..." Robert handed them to him. 

Aaron nodded and turned around.

Robert shot Charity and Ross another glare. It was a warning, but he knew he wouldn't turn them in. Really what was the point, they wouldn't dare go near his car again. He was safe, and Sebastian's memories were too. He looked at the bags one more time as he slipped into the car. All there. He turned the engine on and drove out of the barn, coming around and spotted Aaron in his mum's car, idling and waiting for Robert before he drove off. 

Aaron Dingle. Robert shook his head. There was just something about him, and it made him itch. "Thank god, he's straight..." He mumbled and started following him out of Butler's farm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. 
> 
> raelee514 at tumblr and twitter too


	6. Chapter 6

Aaron couldn't concentrate, and he was barely tasting his pint as he drank it. Adam was droning on and on about them starting their own business again. It made something crawl uncomfortable in his gut, especially since Adam's idea was one his mum kept saying was useless. They wouldn't even break even, but once Adam had an idea in his head, he was hard to stop. But his chatter was going in one of Aaron's ears and out the other. 

Because Robert Sugden was sat in the corner of the pub, with Vic, Sarah, and his son. And Aaron kept staring at him, and he kept making himself look away only to look right back. He groaned inwardly as Robert started laughing about something, his deep chuckle carrying over the other voices of the pub, his head thrown back a bit. He was too bloody fit — Aaron sighed. He thought he'd gotten over getting crushes on straight lads right after that embarrassing time he tried to kiss Adam, confused and scared and overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings he thought he had to bury. 

Speaking of Adam he was walloped hard in the shoulder. He scowled over at him, Adam had a bunch of chips in his mouth as he said sharply. "You listening to me at all?"

"No," Aaron said and wondered how he ever thought he was attracted to that.

"Come on mate, we got to get serious, we need to make our way in this life… be our own bosses."

"Taxi idea won't work."

"It will, I know it, we can pull it off."

"Right," Aaron rolled his eyes. "I keep telling ya, Mum couldn't."

"She ain't us though, and it's a different time, things change. We should look into it at least…"

"Don't know…" Aaron bit his lip, and his eyes tracked back to the table in the corner. Robert was playing Seb's hand, and the baby was kicking his feet, his eyes seemed focused and entranced at his dad. Aaron swallowed and realized he needed to do something to nip this in the bud. 

"I gotta go…" he muttered and stood up.

"What, where?"

"Bar West."

Adam's eyes widened when he smirked. "Want a wingman?"

"As if," Aaron scoffed. 

"Come on, be fun, I'll grab Vic…" and Adam was on his feet, and Aaron was rolling his eyes. 

"Gonna change…" he shouted and headed up to his room.

~~~

"Hey, Babe… come one we're going to wingman for Aaron."

"Are we?" Vic laughed.

"Yeah…" Adam said. "Come on, he hasn't shown any interest in a thing since he got back, should give him some moral support."

"Sure, why not," Vic shrugged.

Robert wanted to be anywhere else. He felt something twist inside him at the idea of Aaron going out there and looking for a hookup. It was ridiculous. Just because he was attracted to the guy… He sighed and wondered if he should go out to hook up himself. It'd been awhile, a long time and he had a good reason. With Sebastian suddenly in his life and throwing him for all kinds of loops and now Jack was gone. And for some reason, he wanted to make Emmerdale home again…

"You should go with them," Sarah said. 

"Don't think it'd be his scene, Mum," Vic laughed. 

Robert shrugged. "Not in the mood anyway… watch him for a bit, mum?"

Sarah nodded. 

Robert got up and started to make his way towards the bogs when his phone went off. He glanced at the number and saw it was one of Lawrence's lawyers, which meant it was about the White's money and therefore about his son's future…. He made a quick turn and walked behind the bar in the back of the pub, ignoring Chas Dingle's shout where he thought he was going. "Need privacy," he snapped and waved the phone. 

~~~

Aaron took a quick look at himself in the mirror and figured he'd do, maybe he needed a bit of a shave, but he was in the mood right now. He sighed and wished Adam hadn't invited himself and Vic, but it was what it was — supposed he should be grateful his friends cared. 

Going down the stairs he told himself to forget blonde hair and freckles, but that was a lost cause as he walked into the backroom Robert Sugden stood there. He felt a jolt of irritation at the fact, he was trying to get away from him for one thing. Because it was a lost cause and the truth was he wasn't even sure if he liked the guy. He was about to ask him what he was doing back here when he noticed the look on his face. 

He was sitting on the back of the couch, cell phone still in his head, staring down at it. But Aaron was pretty sure he didn't see it all. He looked agitated, which wasn't really all the weird — Sugden always seemed unhappy in some way unless he was with his kid. 

"Uh…" come out of Aaron's mouth, all other words lost and he immediately felt stupid. 

Robert jolted and looked at him. "Oh.. Sorry, I just needed privacy," he waved the phone.

"Bad news?"

Robert blinked at him.

"You look…" Aaron stammered. 

"It's not really bad news… it's just complicated."

"How's that?"

"Just… got something I used to wish for, you know? And now I don't want it," Robert shook his head and laughed. 

"Isn't there a saying about that?"

"Yeah…" Robert nodded. "God, I need a drink."

"Bar just out there…" Aaron jutted his thumb toward the pub.

Robert laughed. "Not with my mum or my sister."

"Yeah…" Aaron muttered. "I know a few places."

Robert looked at him fully then and blinked.

"I mean, if you'd…" what was he doing?

"Thought you were going on the pull, with your wingman and woman…" Robert said.

"Yeah, well …didn't ask them, so…like I said."

"All right yeah… Let's go out this way though, I'll just text Mum about watching Seb, she won't mind."

Aaron nodded, cause he wasn't about to explain this to Adam. He'd just lie and tell him ditched him cause he wanted to be alone — wasn't a total lie anyway. He followed Robert out the door and wondered what the hell he was doing. 

"My car?" Robert asked.

"Ain't got my own," Aaron mumbled.

"Too bad… seems like you could use an escape route."

"Sometimes," Aaron laughed and climbed into Robert's passenger seat. 

"Where am I headed?"

~~~

This was a bad idea, Robert thought as he watched Aaron heading toward the bar to get them their first round of pints. His eyes fell on his arse, and he wondered if he'd those black jeans molded to him on purpose. He was definitely dressed to pull, so Robert was utterly confused why Aaron was having a drink with him. He'd taken them what was really a burger joint, but his stomach was gurgling a bit, so he wasn't about to complain as he looked over the menu, just give his eyes something else to do. 

He needed a breather. Things seemed to keep happening, and he wasn't sure what to do about any of it. The White situation with their deaths was so fouled up and he couldn't help thinking that year ago if he'd found himself in this money situation he'd be milking it for all it was worth — but a year ago he was still playing happy couple with Chrissie, despite sleeping around on her practically every chance he got. He'd planned to marry, he planned to get Lawrence to give more and more responsibility. 

He'd wanted his fingers tips at all the money, and prestige White Industries would get him and now… Now, it made him feel sick to his stomach. The way he used Chrissie, the way he'd used Bex even worse — that ate him because now she was his kid's mum and he'd barely liked her. He sighed and looked up, getting another eyeful of Aaron. This time his chest and the way even in the light of this bar and burger joint, his eyes shone bright and blue. He looked away quickly and prayed he wasn't blushing. 

"Here go, mate…" Aaron slid a pint over, and he nodded at the menu. "The classic cheeseburger's my go to."

"Is it?"

"Yeah, not posh enough?" Aaron laughed.

"I like a good burger," Robert rolled his eyes. "I did grow up here, you know."

"Yeah, but you don't dress like it. Your car doesn't make it look like it... What you do you can afford that?" Aaron shook his head. "Sorry, forget it…"

"Business... It's dead boring if you aren't into it."

"But you are? Into it?"

"Good at it," Robert shrugged, but he smiled. "I like it well enough."

"Huh…" Aaron frowned.

"What?"

"Ads…Adam wants us to go into business for ourselves and all. But his ideas all aren't good and not sure we've got the know how."

"Isn't that hard, just need the right business plan, and a lot of things will slot into themselves you know…" Robert said. 

"Maybe…"

"I don't even have a job right now — unless you count keeping the farm afloat. Dad… he uh, he was making a lot of mistakes, and Andy never seemed to notice. Not looking forward to that conversation." 

"So, gonna stay, run the farm?"

"Stay, yeah…" Robert sighed.

"Do you not want to stay?"

"No, I do," Robert met Aaron's gaze and cursed his eyes again. "Just surprised I do you know… bad memories are stronger." He grabbed his pint to shut himself up. 

"Why I went France…" Aaron said before grabbing his own.

"Yeah?"

Aaron shrugged and looked away. "Not worth getting into but needed to get away and a chance fell into my lap. Ruined that relationship though and got homesick — the last thing I expected, to miss the Dingles so much…"

"Enough to change your name," Robert laughed.

"Yeah."

"Dingle suits ya," Robert said. "You've got the Cain Dingle scowl."

Aaron blinked at him, and Robert worried he'd bantered too far for a second but then Aaron was laughing. "Why you want to stay if the memories are too much? No one will force ya?"

"It's Seb," he said, his voice low. "It's… I want him to have a mum, it's important and all. But he doesn't but Mum…" his voice cracked. "I missed her, missed Vic, missed them and all, I think Seb deserves them, probably more than me."

Aaron frowned. 

"I don't wanna mess him up…" Robert sighed, thinking about the mess inside of his own head.

"What you're supposed to want, yeah," Aaron said. "Not too, do right by him — seems like that's what you're doing, yeah."

"Gonna try…"

"All you can do, mate," Aaron said after a beat.

Robert opened his mouth, the words thank you on his lips when a waiter appeared at their table and made them swallow them. They both ordered the classic cheeseburger and two more pints. They fell into a comfortable silence afterward, and Robert ended up watching Aaron toy with his napkin a bit and wondered why this all felt so easy.


	7. Chapter 7

It took weeks, of negotiations and going over all his options but it was finally over. Robert sold off the shares that were Sebastian's White Legacy. It was the money he and his son needed, not a company that ended up the setting for some of the worst years of Robert's life — his own fault. He shook his a little, then nodded, it was why it was the decision to sever all ties and get rid of the shares. The other shareholders were easy pickings because none of them had wanted him to be the majority shareholder. In the end, it all worked really well and not he had a hefty bank account, and Sebastian's trust fund was secure. 

Then there was Sebastian's name… He changed it to Sugden. Sebastian White Sugden, because he would never take his mum away from him, but he was his son and wanted them to share a name. Robert poked Seb's belly and smiled when he blew a bubble of spit at him. He felt that yank and push of love and fear that he knew came with being a parent. Though, he wondered when he'd feel like a real one — secure in it and not terrified, he was going to mess him up. It was already harder than he liked, and it was all about sleep, food, pee, and poop. Things were only going to get harder, and it scared him. The future always did — and that was why he'd fallen into relationship after relationship, seeking some secure. Only to sabotage them at the first chance that presented itself. 

He walked over to the desk in his room and sat down. He picked up all the paperwork about the sale and Sebastian's name change and shoved them into the bottom door that had a lock and locked it up. Then he opened his laptop and pulled up the tab… 

The tab he'd kept open since his mother interrupted him, a month or more ago, now. He'd been home that long. It felt like forever and like he just arrived. Nothing felt stable, and he hoped his decisions about the money would help — but he knew one other thing. He had to face something. He looked at the word in the search box and held his breathe. 

He hit enter and felt ridiculous. The first thing it brought up was the definition of bisexual. He knew the meaning. What he didn't know was how to be it…really be it. It was ridiculous, really because most of his affairs over the years been with men. It was the way he made it okay. Women became relationships, and the men were affairs. Even the women he slept around with, he gave more promises too than any of the men he'd taken into his bed. Maybe he repeated a guy once or twice, but then if they started asking him personal questions, started hinting that maybe the didn't meet up at hotel bars he would lose their numbers and forget their names. If he kept it in the dark, if kept it away from the rest of his life, he could pretend it wasn't real, and he didn't need to think about why he never felt whole. 

Robert clenched his jaw and turned in his chair, looking the crib. Looking at his son and thought about his father. They were never whole, him and his dad — even the memories that were good, they always held a bit of sadness. Him wanting to read the books he got for Christmas, Jack wanting to play with the toy farmer tools or the remote control tractor. Him wanting to learn computers and Jack wanting him to rise with the sun and work with the lambs. It was always a struggle, some of his first memories were about wondering if he was born in the wrong family. Wondering what his birth mum was like and if that was why he felt all wrong around the Sugdens. 

He gravitated toward Sarah — his mum and her books. He chose her, and it was the best thing to happen to him. But she didn't know, she didn't know how bad it got between him and his father. Him and Andy. It was all a mess, and he doubted he and Andy would work it out — especially with Katie scowling every time he tried with Andy. And he was trying, but they were so different, and their priorities would never match. They kept fighting over the farm finances, Andy not wanting to change the way of runnings, saying it worked for generations and it would continue to work. 

Robert was close to just signing over his share and letting Andy ruin it. A part of him thought it'd be telling the real legacy of Jack Sugden, his son putting a farm that been in the family for generations right into debt. But he couldn't do it — he couldn't hate him. 

It wasn't the beating. It was what happened after it. It was the weeks of silence. It was the months of Jack Sugden never looking him in the eye. It was the little different verbal snipes about what real men were, whenever Robert so much as tried to step away from the farm, or brought over a male friend for years afterward. If something came up about homosexuality, there were the outright homophobic comments with a glance at him — which no one ever saw, his Mum snapping at Jack that he was wrong and Andy nodding along.

It was the second time Jack found him with a bloke. His name was John, he was out, and he worked at the Bartons. Robert befriended him, not really understanding why. Told himself it was to upset Jack, to get under his skin, but he wouldn't do anything… he was straight. He'd been in love with Katie, after all, though she'd ripped it away and then blamed him when he slept with someone else — it was all a mess, and he never did win against Andy. She'd gone right back to him, not looked back and it'd hurt. And John was kind, he listened, and Robert realized he saw Robert for what he was…

He caught Robert looking at his mouth. But Robert shoved him away, pushed him away, and threatened to beat him if he tried it on again and stalked back to the farm. He'd never know why John followed him home, he never got to hear what John was going to say… 

Because Jack found them in the barn, standing too close, John's hand on his face as he tried to get Robert to look at him. Jack found them, Andy on his heels and gone off. Andy standing there oblivious, John defiant and railing against Jack's homophobia…. 

And Jack disowned him. Said it was the affair with Katie, it was the skiving off and never taking the farm seriously. Said it was not listening to him about who he could and couldn't hang out with. It was all bunch of lies and stretches. But Andy nodded a long and Robert couldn't fight it… 

And he left his mum and Victoria behind. 

Maybe that was the thing he would never forgive Jack for.

And the fact he couldn't own up to what he was and always kept it hidden and pretended it was a habit he could break. Pretended it was something he chose instead of something that burned inside of him.

Sighing, he started typing in a new search. Emmerdale local bisexual clubs — it was slim pickings, but he wasn't surprised. He looked the first few links over and decided on a place Hotten. He could walk into one and look around. He could consider pulling with a man when he wasn't running from being tied down to a woman. He huffed out a laugh and wondered what outgrowing affairs said about him, but he was going to count as character growth. Maybe it wouldn't lead to dating, but he could find out their full names, he could give them his real number and not a burner phone. He could do this without being a deep dark secret…

Just a small secret. 

Because he couldn't tell anyone else… 

Not yet…never, no, not yet. He fought with himself and groaned. 

"Just go to the damn gay bar, Sugden," he muttered to himself. 

~~~

Aaron cringed as a bunch of women in matching dresses, save the one in white with a veil on her head, seemed to swamp him, all squealing and laughing. He swore under his breath and decided he hated Adam and Victoria for dragging out on the pull. He half wondered if there was anyone gay and male in the club because all he could see were women as tried to make his way to the bar — he needed alcohol in him. He was tired, Adam having kept him half the night talking about business plans. They figured out the taxi idea was a bust and Aaron run out ideas, his imagination was the best, but Adam kept going on one pie in the sky idea after another. 

He'd just wanted to shut him up, but apparently, that meant letting Vic and him drag him out to the bars to pull. Like he couldn't do it on his — and he wouldn't have chosen the trendiest club in the place. He leaned against the bar finally, surrounded by more women and frowned. 

"What can get ya?"

"Two pints and white wine spritzer."

"That spritzer for a lady?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"Half price off, ladies night tonight…"

Aaron groaned and realized that explained it, then he felt a poke on his arm. He turned, and a blonde was grinning at him. He looked away from it and got poked again. "What?"

"We were wondering if you were straight…" she smiled and looked toward her friends. 

"No…" Aaron said with relief. 

"Bi?"

"No," he muttered and felt thankful when the drinks were put in front of him. The bartender seemed exasperated as he did when he handed over the cash. 

"Ladies night always brings out the bachelorette parties…" he shrugged. 

Aaron shrugged and picked up the drinks and hoped he wouldn't spill them all trying to find Adam and Victoria. He glanced around, his eyes finally falling on a few men here and there. They all seemed to be keeping to edges, letting the drunk bachelorettes take over the dance floor — and while dancing wasn't really his thing, it all felt backward somehow. He cringed as some horrible trendy pop song started playing and decided he was never coming back here again. 

"This place sucks," he muttered, sitting down at the table with Vic and Adam.

"I like it," Vic said, bopping her head to the music. 

"Plenty of good looking guys about…"

Aaron rolled his eyes. "Not that I'm seeing, mate."

"Maybe we could open our own gay bar, in Emmerdale... Think about it?"

"In direct competition with my mum…" Aaron rolled his eyes and wished Adam give it up. They were never going to go into business together, it was pointless to even think they could. They didn't have money, or any know how — it was a stupid plan. 

"It's an untapped market in Emmerdale."

"Yeah, 'cause the village isn't mostly pensioners," Victoria laughed. 

"It's not…plenty of young folks our age or about it…." Adam started to list off a bunch of names. 

"And who of those names is gay or whatever?" Aaron asked. 

"Well…" Adam pointed to the squad of bachelorettes. "Doesn't stop them."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"Back to the drawing board, I think," Vic laughed.

Aaron sighed and slouched down in his seat. 

~~~

Robert scanned the crowd and wondered if he'd chosen the right place — there seemed an uneven amount of women to men. Had he walked into the right bar? He checked his phone and furrowed his brow. Apparently, he had, maybe it wasn't a good call to choose a hot spot… as his internet search had informed him. He felt a bit spacey, and his stomach was clenched. He decided he needed a drink, something hard, maybe that could relax him. So, far, the only good point seemed to be the music. 

He pushed his way to the bar and felt eyes on him as he walked. He glanced in the direction of the stares and rolled his eyes when it turned out to be women. Of course, it was women — he'd come here for the opposite, so why wouldn't he attract the attention of a gaggle of women. They flanked him when he reached the bar. 

"Do you dance?" one asked, and she was clearly drunk. 

"Not interested," he muttered. 

"How about me," a male voice said, and there was a hand on his bicep. 

Robert turned into and felt himself being pulled a bit away from the crowd. He looked the guy up and down. Tall, dark hair, a boring face… but could it do? He was just going to try to play this differently than in the past. This wasn't about a fast in and out. His heartfelt louder than the music in his ears and he looked at the hand still on his arm. 

"Sorry," the man dropped his hand. "I'm Roger."

"Robert," he said, and it felt monumental. 

Roger smiled. "Buy you a drink?"

"Sure," he nodded. "Why not?"

~~~

Aaron was nursing his second pint, slouched back down in the chair at a now empty table. Victoria having dragged Adam to the dancefloor to dance to the horrible music. A shadow appeared and looked up to see a blonde guy with a bit too wide of a mouth looking at him. 

"Could I sit…" he motioned around as if there weren't an abundance of empty chairs. 

He wasn't bad looking, really, and the truth was he was desperate for a conversation that wasn't peppered with Adam's ideas for a business. First, it'd been an ice cream shop. Then he'd been on about a pet store, connected to Paddy's vets when Victoria dragged him off to dance. So, he swallowed a crack about the lousy line and motioned to the guy to sit. 

"Chris," he offered.

"Aaron," he said. 

~~~

After getting their drinks, Roger led Robert to a table in a far off corner, far from the bar, far from anything except maybe the bogs and Robert felt the hair on the back of his neck rise and he tried not to think about every time he'd been the one dragging a man to a similar location. As they sat down, he found his eyes falling to Roger's left hand, but it was too dark to tell if there was a line where a ring probably belonged. 

Robert shook himself mentally, just because this was a move of his, didn't mean that was what was happening now. He looked around the place and hated how it just felt like a club, busy and crowded, a lot of women drinking half priced drinks and getting sloshed. This wasn't what he needed, or maybe he was just too picky. Wasn't like he was going to find a clear sign of how to become comfortably out… To help him say and act on his…He couldn't even think the word. 

He took a long gulp of the double whiskey he'd ordered and ended up catching Roger smirking at him and felt his hackles rise again. 

"New?" Roger asked. 

"What?"

"Don't come to places like this often?"

"Not exactly," Robert said. 

"Me either…" a hand slid on his thigh. 

Robert's heart sank. 

~~~

Aaron missed Adam and his talk about becoming the Ben and Jerry's of the United Kingdom, whatever that meant — because Chris was going on and on about his job — as a paper salesman. And one thing Aaron knew was he at least liked ice cream, and he seriously didn't care at all about paper — did people even use paper anymore. Maybe he and Adam should look into something more in line with modern technology — though he could barely work his phone. He looked at the dance floor and realized he lost complete sight of his so-called-friends and damn it. He needed to get away from this guy because he was about to start yawning right into his face.

He stuck his hand into his pocket, fiddled with his phone to make the screen light up and jumped a bit. "Oh, a call…" he muttered and stood up and faked answered it. "What? What? Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way…" he turned around and shoved the phone quickly into his pocket. "That was… a friend, they need me to give them a ride." 

"Oh," Chris looked crestfallen.

"Yeah…sorry," Aaron muttered and booked it into the crowd, looking for Adam and Vic. Was past time to get out this hellhole. 

~~~

Robert leaned against a pillar near the bar area and shuddered a bit at Roger's smarmy attempt to get them to a nearby motel — motel. At least his lines and places were classier. Though he wondered if was some omen he'd run into a man who was a bit of mirror of himself — how had he attracted his attention so easily. Did he scream closet case? Did he really seem so uncomfortable he looked new at this? 

He sighed and downed the rest of his whiskey. He looked around, and it felt too crowded. He felt like people were likely to trample his toes and barge into his space — he could leave, he didn't need to try to meet anyone. He could just , and there was no reason to view this as a failed attempt. But, no he needed to try to do this…

There had to be one decent guy in this place. He downed the rest of his drink and turned toward the bar. He would get a drink and take a good scan of the area and see if anyone caught his eyes. That wasn't so hard, it wasn't… 

He froze in place when he heard a familiar lilt of laughter, and his head swung in the direction of it, and the glass in his hand crashed to the floor. Causing the people near him to jump and laugh. Causing the crowd to swallow his sister out of his sight. What was she doing here? What the hell were she and Adam doing here? His heart pounded, and he spun around and tried to remember where the entrance was… 

No one could see him. 

~~~

Aaron stepped outside out into the street and sighed in relief… It was quiet, a late night kind of quiet that was nice. He felt like he could breathe a bit, and he pulled out his cellphone to text Adam. He looked for them as long as he could stand, but he didn't want to be there. He felt like the place was closing in on him, due to all the people. He wasn't much of a crowd person, that was the thing — it was why he liked smaller hole in the wall places to the trendy clubs. He sent a text to Adam and was relieved when it wasn't answered right away. 

He laughed a bit, in a way it had finally freed him from listening to Adam go and on about business idea. It was all doing his head in. This whole night down his head in. It wasn't like he really wanted to pull anyway. He still felt terrible about how things ended with Ed… 

He frowned and started walking, the smell of food from street vendors hitting his nose. His stomach rumbled, and he pulled out his wallet to see if he had enough for some food before called a taxi to take him home. 

~~~

Robert sat at a rickety table by the Thai food truck he'd grabbed a bit of food from, hoping it and some water would settle his nerves. It was early enough really he could find a different place and try again. But he felt sweaty and uncomfortable. He felt caught — which was ridiculous, but it was true all the same. What had Victoria been doing there? Why in hell were her and Adam in a gay club? He sighed, and his head fell into his hands. 

"Robert?"

He jumped at the voice and glanced at Aaron. He stood there with his takeaway between the full tables. Robert blinked, not processing him being there, and half-wondered if he'd been with his sister and panicked. He looked around, but they weren't all that close to the club, he'd made sure to run a fair distance away — half afraid Victoria would be on his heels and wondering what he was playing at. 

"Robert?" Aaron walked closer.

"Uh, yeah, hi…" he felt ridiculous. 

"You alright?"

"Uh… bad date," he fudged, after all, Roger been a bad attempt at something. 

"Me too… well, bad night."

"Oh," Robert said. 

"Can I?" Aaron pointed to the empty seat. 

"Oh, yeah, of course…" Robert nodded. 

Aaron sat down and started shoveling food into his mouth. 

"So the rumors are true…"

"What?" Aaron asked with his mouth full.

"All Dingles are raised by wolves." Robert snorted.

Aaron flipped him off… "At least I don't look a prat with a napkin on my lap."

"These jeans are expensive."

Aaron snorted. "Nothing but the best for.. Wait, where is this date again?" 

"Shut up… You're alone too."

"Thank god. Worst pull in history kept talking about paper."

"Paper?"

"They sell it."

"Oh, no, no…sales people who can't shut up about their product are a bane on the industry… You can't sell a thing like that, you gotta charm the person on a whole different level."

"That right is it?"

Robert leaned back in his chair and grinned. 

"Oh.. You think you could sell me paper?"

"Definitely."

"Go for it, mate."


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron stuck his feet up on the coffee table between two couches in the cafe and sipped coffee. He felt tired, he was running on little to no sleep lately, and he wasn’t really sure what was keeping him up. He was happy to be home, despite his mum still pinching his cheeks. He liked working at the garage and being able to spend time with Adam — though he was still doing his head on about them finding a business to go in on together. But that wasn’t why he felt restless. He didn’t know why he felt restless, he just knew that he did and he made him feel uncomfortable in his skin. 

He shifted a bit and went to grab his biscuit. There was no reason for this, he kept telling himself. No reason at all. Maybe Adam was right, and he needed to seriously consider going on the pull — he just really needed to manage to ditch Adam and Vic because they were a horrible wingman and it just wasn’t his style to do things with an audience. He needed to be on his own, he was best on his own. 

He looked up when the door to the cafe rang, idle curiosity, and felt himself a smile when he saw it was Robert. He immediately tampered that down and remind himself that Sugden was straight — usually, that was enough to nip any crush in the bud. But this time was proving hard, but it wasn’t as if he had much choice. Didn’t mean he couldn’t look though, he thought and tracked Robert until he disappeared behind him on the counter. 

“Americano, for here,” Robert said, and then he was back in Aaron’s sight and sitting down across from him. Aaron watched as he spread out to get comfortable and nodded a hello to him. Aaron scowled because really, there was one thing to glance and tell himself it wasn’t hurting much — but now he couldn’t look at, despite it all being laid out right there front of him like a bloody present. Robert knew what he was doing, he carried himself like someone who knew he was attracting attention. His ego got off on it, and Aaron scowled a bit and tried to use that to keep his eyes from traveling down to where they shouldn’t. 

“Andy’s doing my head in,” Robert muttered. 

“Is he?”

“He won’t listen to me — all of the newest farm contracts are bad, they need to be renegotiated, or the farm is going to be operating at a loss. Dad’s head wasn’t right, not for a while, I think he was sicker than they all thought. He was making bad business decisions, and Andy is refusing to see it — cause tradition, pride, loyalty, I don’t know… I don’t even care about the bloody farm.” 

Aaron raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t.”

“Then let Andy run it to ruin like you said the other night.”

Robert scowled and sat up straight when Brenda dropped off his drink. “Thanks,” he muttered. 

Aaron took another bite of his biscuit. 

“I should… just give Andy my share and keep out.”

“Sure.”

“But…” Robert sighed. 

“Family innit?” Aaron asked.

“I guess… but he and I stopped feeling like brothers a long time ago.”

“That before or after you and Katie?” Aaron teased.

Robert rolled his eyes. “I should be focusing on Seb and me… and mum’s bookstore.”

“How so?”

“I can’t live in that house much longer, I just can’t…”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah, could do with some space from me mum.”

“There’s that and… just it brings up memories I rather forget.”

Aaron frowned. 

Robert twisted his coffee cup around in his hand. “And, mum’s bookstore, it could make more money. I’m sure of it…” 

“Sudgen and Son Books?” Aaron laughed.

“Why not?” Robert shrugged. 

“If you like books, it works, I guess.”

“Not much of a reader?”

“Like car magazines… indie music…” Aaron shrugged.

“Yeah…” Robert smiled and looked so bloody gorgeous Aaron had to look away. “You look tired.”

Aaron’s eyes flew back to Robert.

“I’m not saying you look bad or anything… just tired.”

“Am a bit…” Aaron mumbled. “Adam’s doing my head in,” he lied. 

“What the business plan,” Robert laughed.

“Can’t have a plan with no business.”

“Still, if the two of you can find the right idea, might be able to make a go.”

“Nah…’ Aaron shook his head.

“Why not?” Robert asked.

“No clue how to run one for starters.”

“Well, Adam I have doubts about, but you’re smart.”

“Adam’s…” Aaron shook his head. “Adam’s not bad, you know.”

“Anyone with my sister isn’t good enough,” Robert said back.

Aaron couldn’t help but smile. “And he’s no smarter than I am.”

“Doubt that.”

Aaron shook his head, and his phone went off. He picked it up off the table and sighed. “That’s Cain, I’m late getting back.”

“Figure out your own business, and you don’t have to be at anyone’s beck and call.”

Aaron shrugged as he stood up. “Not all of us can be lazy prats, Sugden.”

“I think it’d look on you,” Robert said his voice low, and Aaron felt his cheeks heat, and it sounded like innuendo, but it couldn’t be, but it still made him blink then stare at Robert. But he was busy looking at his phone and sipping his coffee — because nothing had happened. 

“See ya,” Aaron mumbled. 

“Woolpack, later?” Robert asked.

Aaron nodded because it’d become a habit. 

~~~

 

Sebastian kicked his legs when he saw Robert come into sight, and Robert felt that smile that seemed just for his son appear on his face. He let Seb grab onto his finger and felt amazed at tiny and perfect his little hand was… he wondered if the awe would ever stop. 

“He’s been good as gold,” Sarah said from behind the counter as she dropped a pile of books down.

“He usually is…” Robert said.

“Don’t let it fool ya, you usually were too.”

Robert laughed. 

“Andy was by…” she said.

“What complaining about me wanting to save the farm?”

“He had some words. He thinks you're trying to stomp on Jack’s memory.”

Robert clenched his jaw. 

“The farm’s worked for quite a lot of years…”

“Mum, it’s also been in danger of going bankrupt before…” Robert snapped. “Am I the only one who remembers the mess Andy made?”

Sarah’s expression darkened, and her hand went to her left shoulder, where Robert knew she was scarred from the fire. He felt terrible for reminding her, he tried to tell himself it was worse for her than him. But he’d almost lost her, his only person, the only parent who loved him regardless. 

“He was a kid, Robert. Much like you were when you tried to ruin him and Katie.”

Robert nodded. 

“I know you and Jack…”

“Mum… Dad made a lot of bad choices in the last year. Stupid choices, I’ve looked things over and over. He got taken advantage of, things that never would’ve happened. I think he was sick, sicker than he let on to all of ya…”

Sarah’s face fell. 

“The farm’s in real trouble. Andy’s gotta let me try renegotiated the contracts I’m talking about, or we’re running at a loss, and the farm, the house, all of it will be lost for real. He’s also gotta let me put the money in, I’ve been offering… there is no other way.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Sarah said. 

“Thanks…” Robert turned back to Sebastian, whose eyes were drooping shut. “He’s been fed.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t move him. He can keep keeping me company, it’s his nap time.”

“Yeah…”

“I’m sure you have better things to do then sit around here.”

“I wanted to look at the books.”

“Robert, I know you think I can make more money here, but I like keeping this place small, having the tables outside. It’s for a tiny village, I like it that way.”

“I know, I don’t want to stop it from being a quiet place for people to come, Mum. I wouldn’t have survived with it…” he trailed off. “I just think it can be more lucrative. Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Money isn’t everything.”

“Maybe…” Robert trailed off. “But it’s comforting.”

“Robert… are you ever going to tell me about why you ran away?”

“It wasn’t about you, Mum. I always missed you and Vic, that’s why I wrote.”

“Not near enough.”

Robert clenched his jaw because it was true but not of the reasons she thought, because it was so hard, every time he thought about them, he felt tempted to rush back home. But then he’d remember his Dad and all the bad things and feel like he hated Emmerdale. It was odd wanting to stay now, it still felt foreign to him. He was realizing at least he’d never hated Emmerdale, he’d hated how his father made him feel unwanted 

“All right, maybe someday….”

“Someday, Mum… but not…”

“Ok. I just… I think you’d be happier if you carried less secrets.”

Robert stared at her, and his biggest secret rose right to mind. It found itself on the tip of his tongue. He wondered what she would do if he just blurted it out loud right now. _I’m b…_ He looked away and forced himself to think it. _Bisexual._ It felt easier than the time beforehand but why was it still so hard…Jack’s voice and his hard scowl filled Robert’s mind. He was dead, but he wasn’t free. He just wasn’t free and he wanted to be, he really wanted to be…

“I think you agree,” Sarah continued.

Robert nodded.

The bell to the door rang, and Katie’s voice rang out. “Sarah…. Oh, you,” she said on seeing him.

“Oh, you,” he sniped back.

Sarah sighed. 

“Here to make her take your side, make Andy go against what we know Jack would want…”

“I’m not asking him to do a thing against Jack’s wishes,” Robert snapped. “I want to save the farm.”

“More like the opposite, I bet,” Katie said. “I know you, you never have good intentions.”

“Katie,” Sarah yelled. “Stop it.”

Robert couldn’t help but smirk as Katie managed to look chagrinned. “I’m gonna go in back and look at the books,” he said. 

“Oh, wanna force her into doing things your way too…” it was like she couldn’t stop herself. 

“Katie, I meant it,” Sarah said.

Robert tapped Seb on the nose before walking away, he wasn’t in the mood for Katie. It was never going to change, and it was like he wanted it too. She was the last person he wanted to make a truce with — Andy, maybe, some days yes, but her — no. She was a hypocrite because she’d done more than her fair share of bad things when they were together. She’d made quite a few mistakes too, and he was fighting the urge to rub them all in her face. 

~~~

“I’ve got it…”

“What?”

“The idea.”

Aaron sighed. 

“Scrap.”

“What?”

“Mum, had me drive like an hour of town to drop off some scrap at the farm. It’s a right hassle, but you know what go to talking the workers and then the owner and it’s a right good market. And there is nowhere close by, and we’ve got how many farms, small business around, it could be a real maker, mate.” Adam leaned back with a confident smile.

“I don’t know…”

“We can do this…”

“With what money,” Aaron countered.

“I’ll invest.”

Aaron looked up and saw Robert standing there. “What?”

“Adam might be right, I can look into a few things, but I think it’s sound idea…” Robert put Sebastion on the table and slide into the booth next to Aaron. 

Aaron shifted and tried not to inhale the scent of him and his cologne. He focused in on Sebastian who was reaching up his hands. He gave him a finger to grab. “You think?”

“I don’t know…” Adam was saying. “Why’d you want to invest with us?”

“Because, my sister loves ya,” Robert said. “Don’t understand it, but why not help you succeed in being able to help support her. I know business, I can be silent, that’s fine with me… not really about to get my hands dirty with trash.”

Aaron snorted.

“Maybe…” Adam nodded. “Yeah, yeah, let’s look into and see what we need. Right, Aaron… come on you and me, partners, doing our own thing.”

“Yeah…but let’s just look into it first, no need to rush.”

“That’s settled,” Robert said. “Adam go get us pints.”

“Can’t gotta go get cleaned up, taking Vic into some new restaurant she wants to try tonight… You two want to come.”

“On a date with you and my sister, no.”

“Not one bit, mate,” Aaron laughed.

“Suit yourselves, be bored without my dazzling company…” Adam got up and Robert moved to his side of the booth, and Aaron ignored the small pang of disappointment. 

“Sorry about Seb, but Mum had him all day and…”

“What, he’s better company than you, aren’t ya, Buddy?”

Robert laughed. 

~~~

He wished was he was buzzed, but he’d been ordering tea because his son was on the table. He felt like a right idiot because he couldn’t keep his eyes off Aaron. Why was he so bloody gorgeous, those eyes, his mouth, those cheeks, that chest and his arse… 

Robert leaned back in the booth and pulled his eyes away from Aaron, who was standing at the bar, getting himself another pint and Robert some chips. He focused on Sebastian, who was sleeping lightly and checked the time. He should probably get him and get himself away from Aaron. Put some distance between them, because he was becoming a real mate and he didn’t want to do anything stupid to jeopardize it. 

But he kept flirting, it was light and easily dismissive, for now, but what he really slipped up and it wasn’t something they could laugh off or pretend wasn’t banter. Aaron probably deck him one, maybe, he wasn’t sure. He seemed like a good bloke, but the village wasn’t exactly known for its modern views of the world — even if Aaron lived abroad for a while it didn’t mean his eyes been open to things — Robert knew his issues and his inability to ever really embrace things were etched onto from his father’s archaic views. 

It was easier to stay in the dark. He sighed and wondered if he could tell Aaron? Would that be a good test run? Could he trust him? He sighed and shook his head… Besides, no, if he was ever going to say it out loud, it should be to his mum or Victoria. One of them. No one else, they were the only two who wouldn’t think he was lying… 

Everyone thought he was lying. 

“What’s with the face,” Aaron asked, sitting down and sliding a plate of chips to him. 

“Nothing,” Robert shrugged and forced himself to look away from Aaron’s eyes. “Just hoping Mum can get Andy to listen to reason.”

Aaron nodded. “If he’ll listen to anyone be her, wouldn’t it?”

“I guess,” Robert muttered. “Katie still sees me as evil incarnate.”

“Almost sounds like you care.”

Robert scoffed. 

“Maybe she should pay better attention about how you are around him… right, Seb?” Aaron grinned as Seb blinked sleepily at him. 

Robert felt himself blushing. “What?”

“You’re great with him, is all…” Aaron kept his eyes on Sebastian.

“I’m trying…” Robert spoke over a lump in his throat, then focused on his chips. “You know, speaking that, it’s late, I should get home…” 

“Yeah…sure….”

“Tomorrow?” Robert asked.

“Oh, uh… gonna try to ditch your sister and Adam and go out on the pull… they are terrible wingmen.”

“Oh,” Robert hated himself for feeling jealous. “Yeah, you have fun.”

“What about you?”

“Me what?”

“Don’t know, mate, some…you know…” Aaron stammered. “Might lighten you up a bit.”

Robert looked at Sebastian. “He’s my priority, really and…” he sighed and thought about how complicated the idea of dating felt to him. “Well, he’s my priority.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah…see ya.”

Robert nodded, gathered his stuff and his son. He almost made it out of the bar before turning back, he told himself not too, but he didn’t it anyway. Aaron was stuffing what was left of his chips in his face. It made him laughed. _Raised by wolves._


	9. Chapter 9

Seb gurgled happily as Robert attempted to give him his bottle. Seb kept batting it away and giving him look, and Robert was between amused and frustrated by it all. He rolled his eyes a bit and tried again and muttered to his son that he must be hungry.  

Sarah chuckled as she walked into the kitchen. "Vic used to do that."

"Yeah," Robert asked.

"Must be a Sugden trait," Sarah smiled and opened the refrigerator. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry," Robert muttered, but he grinned as Seb finally started to drink out of his bottle. 

"Don't be as bad as him," Sarah said. "You've been skipping breakfast all week, and it's not good for you. I am making you something. Fry up?"

Robert sighed and glanced at her. She was smiling at him, them really, and she looked beautiful and perfect — but he saw the worry in her eyes, and it made him feel both uncomfortable and good. And he must have made a face.

"What is it?" she asked, and suddenly she was closer to him, hand on his arm. 

"I just…" he fought hard to keep his voice even. "I don't know."

Sarah sighed and ran her hand through his hair.

"Mum…" he groaned, it wasn't easy getting his hair styled.  

"I like it flat," she laughed.  

"I don't," he muttered and tried to fix whatever damage she may have done unseen.  

"Well, at least you don't look like a puppy died, anymore."

"I didn't…"

"You did, and I've seen that look far too often since you've gotten home," she sighed and turned back to the refrigerator. "Now, I am making you breakfast, understood. And maybe we could have a real chat?" 

"What do you mean?" he asked and hoped she wasn't going to press about his weird moods around her. He wasn't sure he could ever explain how much he missed her or needed her — even seeing her every day didn't feel enough, the lost time felt like it could never be made up for. 

"Andy called."

Robert rolled his eyes. "What I do wrong now?"

"Nothing," Sarah said and gave him a look. "He said, you sent some man over to explain the finances to him and Katie."

"Oh…" he nodded. "Yeah, I did."

"He also said he realized he's been wrong-headed and you were just trying to tell him the farm was in trouble."

Robert nodded. "Yeah."

Sarah sighed. "So, a third party was needed to help you two get sorted."

Robert shrugged. "It was the only way I could think of to make him see sense, Mum. Especially with Katie always trying to murder me with her eyes whenever I go near them. It was for the best."

Sarah sighed. 

"Mum," Robert looked away from her and focused on Seb.  

"I just want my kids to get along, maybe it's a bit mum of me but..." She sighed. "I know he's not making it easy for you, Robert. I just don't want you to give up on him. Or Katie. You two cared about each other once..."

"Me and Katie are never going to get along, Mum..." Robert shook his head. 

"Maybe not... Do you and Andy have hope?"

Robert shrugged. 

"What are your plans now that you've got Andy to realize the truth about the farm?"

Robert clenched his jaw because he was worried. He was worried about what they would all think about his plans regarding the farm. But he knew what wanted to do and what he needed to do -- and he really thought it was best for everyone involved.  

"Robert?"

"I want to give Andy my shares."

"Have him buy you out?"

"No," Robert said. "I want to just sign them over to him."

"But, Robert, this is your farm as much as his...Jack..."

"Mum..." He sighed. "Please don't. I have never wanted to be a farmer, ever, I don't think I even wanted it when I was little kid and enjoyed seeing the animals.  This isn't me. It was never me..."

Sarah nodded and moved closer to him again, leaving bacon to fry on the stove. "You're right, you are, and I've always wanted you to find your own way -- I'm just worried you haven't."

"Not yet," he admitted. "But it's not the farm. I've made a business plan, though, Andy can follow it, or not. That's his choice. But I want to sign everything over to him and be done with it..." 

"I sense a but?"

"I've looked over things, and this house and the farm are all tied together."

"So?"

"So...maybe I don't trust Andy, all that much with the farm finances. I've looked into things, and well, I want to make this place outright yours, just yours Mum."

"Robert..."

"Please?" Robert asked her. "You shouldn't have to worry about losing this house if the farm fails."

"Your brother..." Sarah trailed off and sighed. "You know what, alright." 

"Really?"

She nodded. "I'll tell Andy, it's what I want... And honestly, it'd be nice not worry about it. Though the mortgage."

"I can pay that off."

"What?" Sarah stared at him. "Honey, no, there is no way you can afford..."

Robert grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually..."

"Robert Jacob Sugden, what don't I know?"

"It's complicated and has to do with the White's and Sebastian's inheritance... But well, I ended up with shares in the business, quite a lot of them, the majority. So, I sold them, all of them. Cut my ties with it completely because... It's just best for Seb and me to have our own thing. Most of the money is going into a trust for him but... I'm left with more than enough, more than that really."

Sarah stared at him.

Robert sighed.

"I would think you'd look happier about it," Sarah said. 

"Careful what you wish for, Mum."

"All right, do what you need to do for the house."

Robert nodded. 

Sarah watched him and glanced at Seb, she smiled. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You get yourself out of the farm, you set me up here, what are you doing for you, Robert?" 

Robert shrugged. 

She shook her head and grabbed his hand. "You need to figure out what you need that will take that sadness out of your eyes, Robert. I mean it, I hate seeing you so... Lost. I hate watching you look so adrift..." She looked away. "I don't want to lose you again. You were gone for so long, too long, and I need my little boy."

"Mum..."

"No. You will always be my little boy, Robert. When you smile you look just like the kid I met all those years ago that stole my heart, even more than your father ever did..." She smiled. "You made me a mother, and it wasn't something I thought I needed or wanted. But it turned out wonderful... So promise me, you will figure out whatever is going on in your head."

It was hard to look at her and see it, all that unconditional love that he wasn't at all sure he deserved but he felt it and it impossible not to ignore that he needed her, he needed it, and it'd been missing from his life. "Mum, I..." His voice broke.

She smiled at him and leaned forward and kissed his forehead, then Seb's and ran her hand through his hair again and over Seb's bald head. "I better get to that bacon before it burns."

Robert nodded and tried to get the stinging in his eyes under control. "Thanks..." He said softly and hoped she heard it cause he couldn't say it any louder. 

~~~

"You look like thunder."

Aaron looked up and saw Robert sliding into the seat opposite him in the cafe, and he shrugged.  

Robert shrugged back. "So, don't want to talk about it?"

"Why would I?" Aaron barked back.

Robert shook his head and took a drink of his coffee. 

Aaron looked at the table between them at his undrunk and probably cold coffee. "You should take back the money."

"What? No."

Aaron sighed. "I don't think I can do it, run a scrapyard."

"Sure you can."

"What do we know about business."

"I told ya, I'd help you two get things set up."

"We need to match your money, though and not sure we can..." Aaron sighed. 

"It's not an issue... Look, I've researched alright, I don't go investments blind even for my family. It's a lucrative, especially in a rural setting like this. You and Adam could really make a go of it."

"And if we don't, what about your money then?"

Robert shrugged.

Aaron stared at him and wondered if he was mad, and he shook his head. He wasn't sure about this at all. It felt too big and like if it fell apart it wouldn't be pretty at all -- he was more worried why failure might do to Adam, though. He seemed set on being his own boss and making a living for him and Vic. Aaron wasn't at all sure Adam was really seeing the reality of everything. Which meant he had too, and he wasn't sure at all. "You won't care about the money?"

"Not really..." Robert said, and then he laughed. 

"What?"

"Just..." He sighed. "I used to only care about money. I thought it was all that mattered and I part of me still finds knowing I have money comforting in a way -- maybe it was all the times growing up the family didn't have any, and then I was alone in London for..." He trailed off. "I've been dead broke, and it's not fun, and I put all my focus on money, I was a right gold digger too..." He shook his head.  

"What are you on about?" Aaron asked. 

"Remember me telling you how I'd gotten something I used to want, but now that I have it I realized I didn't?"

"Yeah," Aaron admitted and tried not to think about the fact he remembered every little tidbit of information Robert dropped about himself because they were few and far between. And he wanted to know Robert -- he wanted to know him too much. He sighed and wondered if that was another reason he wanted him to have nothing to do with the business. Being around him was frustrating, and he'd been going out on the pull more and more, to try to help himself get over this frustrating crush.  

"Yeah, well it was money."

Aaron sat up straighter.

"I have all the money I could ever need -- I just need to figure out what I want to do with it all... But one thing I do know I want to do with it is help my family. I'm not doing this for you or Adam. It's for Vic, and I'll be in it or out of it as much as you want, alright? But you're bright, so I don't get what you're so worried about?"

"Don't feel bright, what do we know about running things..."

"Take a seminar or something."

"What?"

"A business course, the both of ya. Not a bad idea, maybe."

"I guess."

Robert grinned. 

Aaron felt blinded. 

"Still... What is it your really worried about?"

"Failing, I guess..." Aaron muttered and tried to think of anything he'd succeeded at in his life.  

"It's a risk, but the numbers are in your favor."

"Yeah, but I don't know that."

"I can go over my research with ya?"

Aaron nodded. 

"Alright, come by the house later, yeah. Bring Adam."

"Yeah, sure..." Aaron nodded, but he still felt unsettled. 

"You still look like thunder."

"Maybe it's just my face."

Robert shook his head. "The scowl sure but that's usually just a front..." He looked away from Aaron.

Aaron stared at him and felt like he was missing something.  

Robert sighed and slumped a bit in his seat, and Aaron noticed for the first time that his face wasn't exactly sunshine. "What is it? You look shattered."

"Thanks."

"Oh, you can insult me but can't take it?"

Robert snorted. "Just, settling a lot of money stuff today, I guess...and well, Mum and I had a chat, and it's just..."

"What?"

"It's hard being here."

"In Emmerdale?" Aaron asked and nodded. They'd spoken about it before, and he saw it in Robert's face a lot, but it'd been a while yet, so he wasn't sure why Robert hadn't settled. "You're not... You're not thinking of leaving are ya?" Aaron felt thrown by the thought and wished he didn't hate the idea -- why should he care if Robert stayed? They were mates. All they were ever going to be was mates...

He looked away from Robert and wondered when his attraction would start to subside, it was getting ridiculous now.  

"No, no...I...won't lie...not to you," Robert said his voice falling into a soft tone. He leaned forward. "I think maybe a part of me will always feel like I don't belong here but...but I want to belong and I need to be near my mum..." He smiled. "We had a good talk today, her and me, and I just realized how much I've missed her over the years. I still kind of do... That doesn't make sense."

"No, it does, I get it..." Aaron tried to ignore the relief he felt. "When I left for France, I really thought I'd never come back here. But I missed it, you know, I missed my mum -- even though she drives me bonkers on a good day," he laughed. "I missed the Dingles as maddening as they all are... I never realized how important the family was to me until it was gone."

"Yeah, guess that is how it works."

"Guess so," Aaron said. 

 

"Yeah, I'm staying... It's just not easy," Robert muttered and chuckled. "Why do I always end up telling you these things?"

"Must be the scowl," Aaron chuckled.  

Robert laughed, and they fell into silence until there was a shadow on the coffee table between them. Aaron glanced over and frowned, seeing the guy he'd pulled with last night. All tall and blonde and he felt a strange panic, Robert might notice that -- even though all of last night he'd told himself the guy didn't resemble him at all. And he didn't really, especially standing next to Robert... 

"Uh...Quinn?" Aaron mumbled, thankful he remembered his name. "What are ya?"

Quinn grinned at him and pulled a wallet out of his jacket. Aaron's wallet. "You left this on the floor in my bedroom...guess it fell out of your pants when..."

Aaron blushed, stood up and grabbed it. "Yeah, uh, thanks."

Quinn nodded. "I thought since I came all this way... How about we meet up tonight? Make another night of it?"

Aaron panicked and looked toward Robert for help, only Robert's face made him feel more panicked because his eyes were wide, and he looked pale. And then he wasn't looking at Aaron at all -- shit no, he needed a lifeline. "Uh, I've got plans with Robert, here... We're uh, it's a business meeting, with Adam, right... The seminar?" Aaron stammered.

Robert looked back at him, and his eyes were shuddered, for some reason, but the rest of him looked normal again, and he was nodding. He stood up, and Aaron felt his full height as he got closer to both him and... Quinn, right and nodded. He put his hand on Aaron's shoulder, and his grip felt too hard for a split second. "Yeah, Aaron and I have plans," he said his voice loud and formal.

Aaron tried to ignore how much he liked the sound of that.

Quinn frowned and looked between them. "Yeah, I bet..." He muttered and turned around

Aaron stared at him a bit confused, but mostly relieved until he was gone.  

"Awkward," Robert muttered.

Aaron sighed. "Not like I expecting a one night stand to show up...ugh, he probably went to the bar first and met my mum..." He ran his hands over his face. 

Robert was looking at him oddly again, and Aaron was sure now he was pale. "You feeling alright?"

Robert shook his head, but then he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, of course, I'm fine... I just remembered, mum's expecting at the bookstore. Finally talked her into discussing it, as a business...with me, uh, you know...I gotta..."

Aaron nodded.

Robert turned but managed to stumble over his own feet, but recovered quickly and seemed to race of out of the cafe. Aaron watched him and felt confused, panicked, embarrassed, and he like really missed something. 


	10. Chapter 10

Aaron's insecurity bothered him, and Robert was trying to shake it. It was none of his business really -- well beyond investing in Aaron's actual business. He didn't see a reason for it, though. Aaron was witty, and he kept him on his toes -- he had to be smart for that. Robert was well aware he was clever, maybe too aware. At least that was what he was always being told. He'd do what he could get Aaron past his cold feet -- mostly because he did think the scrapyard plan was solid and would be successful. And it was for Victoria more than anyone else -- she deserved a husband who had a future. Even if it was Adam Barton, who reminded me of a cartoon than a real person. 

He was about to suggest a time when there was suddenly someone standing, expectantly by them and looking at Aaron -- with way more than a friendly expression. In fact, it was a downright hungry expression, and Robert told himself he must be misreading the intent -- he had to be reading the guy wrong.  

"Uh...Quinn?" Aaron looked embarrassed and wasn't quite looking the guy in the eyes. "What are ya..." 

The man, Quinn, interrupted Aaron's question by brandishing a wallet. "You left this on the floor in my bedroom, guess it fell out of your pants when..."

 _What?_ Robert watched as Aaron turned beet red, jumped to his feet, and grabbed the wallet. The words made it clear, he wasn't misinterpreting Quinn's gaze -- the man wanted Aaron. The man had had Aaron. Jealousy spiked hard in his chest, it almost hurt and it was odd and made no sense. Robert couldn't think about it now, there was no reason too, the real problem here was that Aaron was gay. 

Aaron was gay. 

 _Or bi -- don't jump to the conclusions you hate._  He rolled his eyes as he chastised himself and his fell on Aaron, who was still talking with the guy, looking like he wanted a hole to form and swallow him whole... Robert felt for him, but he was far more distracted by how good Aaron look. How good Aaron always looked -- and he'd managed to shove his attraction to him to side, left on a back burner and one he would never turn on. Because it was moot. Aaron was a mate. Aaron wasn't into blokes...

Only.

He felt clammy, and a familiar voice in his head was screaming at him to run. Run. Run now and get away from this... Because this could ruin things, this information could ruin things.  _Your being dramatic_.... That voice sounded like his mother.  

"Uh, I've got plans with Robert, here..." Robert forced himself to look at Aaron at the sound of his name. He wished he hadn't because there was no getting past how much he liked his face. "We're uh, it's a business meeting, with Adam, right... The seminar?"

Aaron's panic cut through his own. He was still red and stammering. It was clear he just wanted the other man to leave, and Robert glanced at the guy again. He was somewhat fit. Out of Aaron's league, Robert thought and was still looking at Aaron with that hungry expression. He wanted more than one night, and that jealousy spiked again with a weird surge of protectiveness, and suddenly he was standing. 

He made sure to go to his full height, straight spine, and moved as close to Aaron as he dared. He even put a hand on his shoulder the grip possessive for a bit too long but it took him that long to process it and he forced himself to lessen it.

"Yeah, Aaron and I have plans," he cringed inward at how stiff his voice sounded. 

Quinn wasn't happy to hear it, and he glanced between the two of them, and Robert shoved away another stab of possession. Right now he was just being a mate, Aaron wanted help getting rid of the guy. And it wasn't like they were lying they'd made plans. But Quinn was adding together facts that weren't on the table, that was obvious, and for the first time in his life, Robert didn't have the words _I'm not gay_ on his tongue.  

"Yeah, I bet..." Quinn muttered darkly. "Yeah, bye, Aaron."

"Awkward," Robert muttered and thought it didn't cover anything about how he was feeling right now. He felt thrown off the planet. He was wondering how he was standing. Aaron couldn't be into guys, that couldn't be an option -- he really needed that not to be an option.  

"Not like I expecting a one night stand to show up..." Aaron muttered, but his face was slowly turning back to its normal shade. But then his eyes widened, and he groaned. "Ugh, he probably went to the bar first and met my mum..." 

It hit Robert then that Aaron thought he knew he was gay, or bi, or whatever he was. Aaron was clueless at the turmoil flying through Robert's brain right now. He was out, and that was a fact -- the whole damn village probably knew, and somehow Robert was meant to know too?  

He felt angry suddenly that no one told him about Aaron. All he'd been told was that he had dated Victoria once but that it was over before it started. That it was a mess -- but that they were good friends now. Robert frowned as everything he'd been told sounded totally different in his head now. How had he missed this? How could he have not seen it? 

He thought he was good at spotting it, after all, he avoided gay clubs and bars only going a few times and never staying long. But he never had much trouble finding interested men. How could he have missed it with Aaron? Well, one thing was sure, he probably wasn't attracted to him... Disappointment rushed him, and instantly, he slammed it back. That was a good thing, it was good. Aaron wasn't attracted to him. Because this was dangerous and bad and he didn't want it ruining anything...

And it could ruin so much. 

"You feeling alright?" Aaron's voice cut into his thoughts. 

He looked at him again and somehow managed not to sigh in his face, or ask him what exactly his sexual orientation was -- after all, he was supposed to know. Somehow, mind-reading? He felt annoyed suddenly by that, by being kept in the dark because no one thought it was anything to tell -- when the mere thought of thinking about his own sexuality made him panic.  

Which was churning in his gut now? "Yeah, yeah, of course, I'm fine... I just remembered that mum's expecting me at the bookstore. Finally talked her into discussing it, as a business...with me, uh, you know...I gotta..."

Aaron nodded, but his expression was showing confusion and concern. Robert needed to get away from it, fast, he gave into the voice screaming at him to run... And tripped over his feet and wished the world would just disappear around him. But he kept moving, and soon he was out of the cafe and away from Aaron's bloody blue eyes. 

He stalked into the bookstore, straight down the main aisle and into the backroom. He felt more than saw his mother turn and follow him with her eyes. He wondered if he looked as wild as he felt inside at the moment. In the backroom he found his son by the baby monitor they'd set up in the place, sleeping soundly without a bother in a world. He envied him and resisted the urge to start to play with his little hand. 

He just stared instead and tried to calm down.  

"Robert?"

He closed his eyes. 

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

He shook his head. 

"Well, something happened."

"Aaron Dingle?" he said and turned toward her. 

"Did you two get in a fight?"

"No," Robert shook his head. 

"Good... I like you having a mate."

Robert felt his insides sink. Because Aaron was a mate, wasn't he? He wasn't great at the mate thing, never had been but Aaron, Aaron was one, or becoming one even in such a short time. He nodded. "I just.. Is he gay?" he finally asked because he at least wanted clarification on what he was meant to already know. 

"Yes..." Sarah said, but it wasn't the confirmation that caught Robert's attention. It was the sad look in his mother eyes, and he wasn't sure what to do about that? Why was she sad someone was gay? It made his panic rise up again because if it meant she had at a problem with it.  

"But?" he asked. 

"But nothing... I just feel for him, losing Jackson like he did and seems like that bloke... Anyway, I'm gossiping, and that's not my concern. Why are you asking?"

"Cause this man just walked up to him saying he left his wallet in his bedroom and I was blindsided."

"Oh...well," she laughed. "Guess, I just took everyone knowing for granted. It is a small village." 

Robert watched her. "Yeah...it is." 

She eyed him. "You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

"Of course not," he said, far too quickly, at least he thought it was too quickly.

Sarah sighed in relief. "It was bad enough getting your brother and Jack to calm down...but I should've known you wouldn't."

Robert went heavy again. "Dad..."

"Was from his generation and you know Andy, following his lead. But that was a long time ago."

"Right..." He turned back to Sebastian, still sleeping, still innocent. He wondered how long he could keep him that way and safe, protected. All his promises to not make the mistakes his father did were roaring in his head again.  

"Robert?"

"Who's Jackson?" he asked, curiosity catching up with him and turned back toward her.

Sarah sighed, and once again, sadness filled her eyes.  "Aaron's first boyfriend, first love, I suppose. There was an accident, he lost his ability to walk and Aaron..." Sarah shook her head. "Aaron was there for him, until the end, which well, Jackson's mum and Aaron helped him end his life.' 

"What?"

"It's a sad story, Aaron went off the rails for a while but seemed to get it together, then met Ed and went to France -- I think he needed away from the village for a while. Don't see how he could have stayed here, I am surprised he came back, but the Dingles are a close lot in their own way."

Robert wondered how many times a person could be stunned in one day and still stand. He shook his head and felt like he wasn't getting the depth of what he'd been just told at all. He almost felt wrong about hearing about from his mum, like he should have waited for Aaron for share... 

But maybe it was another thing he was meant to know. 

"Are you alright?"

"I was just, surprised is all..." Robert muttered.  

"I hope it won't change anything between you two."

"What...no," Robert said but wasn't sure he believed it because now when caught himself staring at Aaron -- the fear he'd be caught by Aaron doubled. Because what if Aaron saw who he really was underneath... 

He wasn't ready. 

~~~

"So, did tall, blonde and handsome find you?" Chas grinned at him from behind the bar.

Aaron groaned and waved his wallet. 

"Seeing him again?" she pressed.

"No," he muttered and sat down. "Pint, will ya."

"And why not, he came all this way because you forgot your wallet."

Aaron glared at her because he wasn't having this conversation with his mother. 

"You're better than..."

"I'm in my twenties mum."

"But Aaron..."

"Mum," he sighed and shook his head. "I'm not interested in anything past...that..." He waved his hands around, feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable. 

"You just haven't met the right bloke yet, you'll see. Someone will show up, and you won't be able to stop thinking about them."

Aaron instantly thought about Robert, and hurriedly grabbed his pint as it hit the bar. He wanted to chase that thought away because it could never happen. Robert 'Womanizer" Sugden was off-limits. And he'd known that since day one -- the only problem was he still hadn't managed to stomp out the attraction. Usually sticking a man in the straight column was enough, but it wasn't happening, and he wished he could figure out why...

Why Robert?

Maybe then he could temper it down to just appreciating a great jawline.

"What's that face?" Chas asked. 

"Nothing..." He lied, and his mind went back to the cafe and how weird Robert was acting when he left. He'd been dead odd, and it was starting to nag at Aaron.  What set that off? Everything had been fine, and then Quinn blindsided him and...

Shit. 

Shit.

Did Robert know about him? Was it a problem? If it was that was it, wasn't it? That should do it? Right? No more Robert Sugden in his head -- or his life. He hated that thought and groaned. Shit, shit... He had to know. Now. If Robert had a problem with him being gay if he was some homophobic dickwad.

He got up and barged out of the Woolpack, toward the bookstore, assuming that was where Sugden had gone. 


	11. Chapter 11

Robert slumped into the seat at his mum's desk and stared at his sleeping son.  His mind was spinning and wondered really if it would ever stop. Maybe if he ever made a decision about himself -- about who and what he was? He wanted to make it black and white -- yet it terrified him.  

And now Aaron was gay. It made his insides flip in a way that was simultaneously pleasant and awful. He ran his hands down his face and sighed. He wasn't sure what to do, he wasn't sure what he wanted at all. Part of him told himself it changed nothing. Of course, it changed nothing. He and Aaron were mates -- he hoped. He liked him, maybe more than he should -- but that wasn't the point. He liked what they were, whatever it was, and the idea of changing it was impossible to fathom. He didn't want to change it, despite the attraction -- because of the attraction? 

Robert groaned and slumped further down and felt envious Sebastion sleeping away and felt another surge of wishing he could keep him this innocent for all of his life. Terror filled him he'd let him down, that be an awful father who couldn't protect him or help navigate whatever trials he was sure to face -- it was inevitable. "I promise I'll do my best," he whispered and reached out to touch Seb's little hand... 

When the door to his mother's office flung open, and Aaron burst through it, looking like thunder. "What the fuck was that, Sugden?"

Robert felt his insides spin again, awful and pleasant and his gut churned with it, but he was totally baffled by what Aaron was talking about -- wasn't it him who should be asking that question. His brows furrowed and he just stared at Aaron -- and wished he had an uglier face.  

"Don't just sit there," Aaron hissed. "Tell me what the hell that was about!"

"What?" Robert asked.   
"In the cafe, you all squirrelly..." Aaron said.

Robert frowned. "What you mean when your one night stand awkwardly ruined our...." _your what Robert...it wasn't a fucking date._  

"Yeah, you have a problem with it."

"With what your pathetic sex life?" Robert cringed inwardly and wondered if he could sound more jealous. 

"So there it is.. You are aren't ya?"

"What?"

"A homophobic prick!" Aaron's voice boomed off the office walls. 

And Seb started crying, and Robert jumped to his feet and put his hand on his son's stomach. His mind was reeling, he felt lost, confused, jealous and baffled -- but his focus was on his son's red little face and a low anger someone had upset him was burning under his skin. "Shh, Seb... It's alright, shh.." He sighed and picked him up because his stomach trick wasn't working.  He lifted him up and pulled him toward his chest, then glared over his head at Aaron.  

Aaron looked torn between guilty and staying angry, Robert thought maybe it was leaning toward guilt -- but what did he know? He kept glaring at him as he tried to rock Seb in the way he liked. He was still trying to get the hang of this and more often than not it was his mum and Vic who calmed Seb down -- Mum telling him Seb kept picking up on his nerves.  

"I..." Aaron stuttered.

"You what? Didn't mean to burst in here like some idiot and upset him?"

"No..." Aaron muttered. 

"I'm not homophobic," Robert hissed.  

"Really?" Aaron asked, looking unconvinced. 

Robert swore and turned away from him and tried to calm down his son. But he was feeling the nerves again and the certainty he was just going screw him up -- like he was screwed up right now because he could easily tell Aaron right now. He could have told his mother too. The subject was up and in view. But he wasn't going to say it, because he could still barely think it without panicking.  

And now he was panicking about Seb crying and how bad he always was about calming him down. "Fuck," he muttered again and tried to make soothing sounds as he attempted to ignore Aaron. Though he could feel him staring at him and that wasn't helping at all.  

"Hey, hey, Seb..." Aaron said, and he was closer, and Robert turned. 

Aaron was waving Seb's toy giraffe in the air. "Hey, hey, uh...Mr. Girrafe says it's all okay, the idiot guy didn't mean to be so loud."

"Yeah, you did," Robert said.

Aaron's eyes shot to him, and he looked frustrated and guilty. He kept waving the giraffe. "It's okay, Seb, Buddy." 

It wasn't working, and Robert sighed because a part of him hoped it would. As irritated as he was at Aaron at the moment. Seb started hiccuping, and Robert sighed, afraid he was going to make himself sick. He started to hum, it'd worked before, it wasn't even a song, it was just noise really. He'd tried it once out of desperation, and it'd worked. And he was desperate now because too much was going on at once, but his son would be his main focus. Always. 

"Shh..." He whispered and hummed and rocked him his arms and slowly, slowly, Seb started to calm down, and his face got less scrunched up, and after a while the only sound was the hiccups, and Robert patted his back, softly and let out a sigh of relief.  

He turned to put Seb back down in his seat and startled a bit when Aaron was still standing there. He was chewing on his bottom lip and looked like he didn't know what to do with his body -- he was near the door like maybe he'd been planning to leave, but he hadn't. Robert stared at him, unsure if he was happy or frustrated he hadn't left.  He settled Seb down and tickled his stomach a bit, and Seb started to babble...

All happy now and Robert felt a wave of happiness and love and beamed down at him. "There you are, being good as gold like usual."  

"He's cute," Aaron said.

Robert looked up at him again. "Yeah, don't know where he got that from."

Aaron shook his head. "I didn't mean to upset him."

Robert shrugged. 

"You're good with him."

"No, I'm not," Robert sighed. 

"Got him to stop didn't ya?"

"It was luck, more than anything..." Robert shrugged.  

"Look, I just... You were acting off, and I got it in my head."

"I don't care who you sleep with," Robert muttered. "I'm not homophobic."

Aaron stared at him. "Just..."

Robert sighed. "I was just surprised, alright... I thought you dated my sister."

"Yeah, for cover."

"So you used her," Robert shook his head.

"No, yes...she was using me too?" Aaron sighed. "It wasn't my best look mate, but I was a kid, and I didn't... I was afraid of being gay."

That landed and hit Robert in the chest, and he nodded. Because he knew that, he knew that fear, he'd been living it for decades now, and he wondered if he could get past it. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Aaron how he got through to the other side, but he couldn't ask it. He couldn't ask it without opening a big can of worms.  

"Yeah, alright..." He said instead. 

"So, um, erm..." Aaron said and rolled his eyes. "We good?"

Robert snorted. 

"I'm really sorry I upset him," Aaron said again and waved the giraffe he was still holding in front of Seb. Seb kicked his legs this time his hands reaching out, and Aaron gave him the toy.  

"His name is Bob."

"What?"

Robert sighed. "Vic, she named the giraffe Bob."

Aaron snorted. "I prefer Mr. Girrafe."

Robert laughed and sighed. "Sorry, I looked like I was an arse or something about you being gay."

Aaron shrugged. "Guess, I shouldn't have jumped to the worst conclusion it's just..."

"What?"

"Your dad... He was never good with it, he was never a jerk or nothing. But he never looked at me once he knew."

Robert felt his throat go dry as he remembered the same thing -- the same avoidance in his father's gaze and his body language. How if they did meet each other's eyes Jack's expression was disappointment. Or anger. Robert closed his eyes for a second and sighed. "Yeah, well..." He muttered unsure what to say.

"Andy's gotten better, but I can tell it trips him up."

"He's just copying Dad..." Robert muttered. 

"Sorry," Aaron shook his head. "He just died, and I'm being... It must be hard?"

"What?"

"Jack..."

"It really isn't," Robert let slip.

Aaron's eyes widened.

"We didn't get along..." Robert looked at Seb. "I wanted to try, you know, after Seb showed up, it felt like I should try to fix us...but Jack took away the chance. It was typical, really...." The disappointment made his eyes sting because he was pretty sure it wouldn't have happened anyway. 

"Yeah...sorry..." Aaron sighed. 

"Dads, right?" Robert asked, trying to lighten the mood. 

Aaron's whole face went dark.  

"Aaron?"

He coughed and looked toward the door. "So, uh, I'll see ya later for that business talk?"

"Yeah, find Adam, and you two let me know when? At the house?"

Aaron nodded and turned away but looked back. "Really sorry I upset him... And you are good with him, really."

Robert nodded and wished that was true. 

~~~  
 

 

Aaron took the bottle of beer. Adam handed him from the Sugden's fridge, but his eyes were on Robert. He was at the dining room table and feeding Seb his bottle. They'd gone through his research, and Aaron found he did feel better about the scrapyard idea. It did seem like it was something that could make money and that he and Adam could pull off -- they'd just have to work hard and learn a few things. But he felt better about it all.  

And he knew it was all because of Robert...which was a problem. Though, as far as he could tell, it was a problem without a solution. Because he'd been afraid when he thought he was homophobic. Been afraid he was going to lose him and it really made no sense because he didn't have him.

You didn't have mates. 

Especially straight mates. 

Aaron frowned.

"You more on board now?" Adam asked. 

He turned toward him and nodded. "Yeah, I'm getting it now."

"Finally... Maate, thought was gonna have to drag you with me. So, I was talking to your Uncle Zak, and I think I've found us a place for the business. You and I go look at it tomorrow?"

"Uncle Zak?"

"Yeah, it's up by Wishing Well."

Aaron nodded. "Yeah, sure, why not?"

"First thing, I'll call ya..."  

He nodded.

"What's going on?"

"Huh?"

"Don't know, you seem off."

"Not off," Aaron shook his head.

"Alright..." Adam said, but Aaron could tell he wasn't buying it. "Heard some tall blond and handsome was looking for ya at the Woolie."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "You talk to my mum too much."

Adam laughed and slapped his shoulder. "It's good to see you back on."

"Yeah?"

"Been a bit worried."

"Why?"

"Don't know... You still haven't told me what went down with Ed."

Aaron winced. "I messed up, but it wasn't working..."

"He's a nice guy?"

"Yeah, he is..." Aaron sighed. "And I liked him and all, but..."

"Something was missing."

"Yeah."

"Wasn't like it was with Jackson?" Adam asked, lowing his voice a bit to soften the blow by mentioning Jackson.

Aaron shook his head. "It wasn't that, never compared them really..." He wondered if that was weird. "Jackson..." He frowned. It hurt, and he knew always would, and guilt might always churn under his skin when he thought about him. But he remembered the good things more even if they felt small in comparison to the tragedy. "I'm moving on, you know... It's hard but...it was past time."

Adam nodded. "Well, glad you're back, bro...just in time too," he looked over Aaron's shoulder. 

Aaron turned and saw that Vic was standing with Robert.  

"Going to ask her about setting a date, I think it's time. Getting the business going and she's got her classes and working at the Woolie. We're ready, I'm ready -- want to start my life with her."

Aaron smiled. "That's great."

"Speaking off, gonna go save her from her boring brother..." Adam slapped his shoulder and walked toward the dining room. 

Aaron watched and rolled his eyes.

Robert walked into the kitchen as soon as he saw Adam coming, and Aaron nearly laughed at the fake polite smiles they gave each other. He figured they'd grow on each other, over time, for Vic's sake anyway. He shook his head a bit though as Robert walked in, holding Seb in his seat and put him on the kitchen table and started to clean up the bottle, he just fed him. 

Aaron nursed his beer and realized he should really get going. Which mean he should stop drinking the beer, but he found himself dawdling and taking another swallow to hide the fact he was looking at Robert's forearms.  

Robert glanced at him from where he stood at the sink. "Long day, huh?" he said.

Aaron nodded. 

"You're feeling better about my investment?"

He nodded.

Robert nodded. 

"Look..." Robert sighed. "I just... I'm really fine with...It." 

Aaron laughed at how stilted it sounded, but despite that, he believed him.  

"I mean it," Robert sighed.

"It's fine...talking about it isn't really my thing, either."

Robert nodded. "Are you alright?" he asked after a beat.

"Yeah...we just covered that, feeling more secure about the scrap being a success."

"No, no... Just you seemed off when you left the bookstore.'

"Oh..." Aaron frowned and tried to push thoughts of Gordon away. It was why his mood plummetted. Talking about fathers always did that for him if it went on too long and if it turned onto him. He felt himself tense and turned away from Robert. His eyes landed on Seb, and he smiled. 

"Aaron?"

"Just..." He sighed. "You're not the only one who didn't get along with their dad."

"Oh..." Robert nodded. 

Aaron watched Seb for a bit and remembered watching Robert protectively hold him while humming somewhat off-pitch. So focused on him and clearly in love with him. He'd been entranced by the whole thing, his eyes unable to tear away even when he thought he should leave. He swallowed over a lump that formed in his throat and looked away from Seb. And right into green-blue eyes that he thought he could drown in.  

He needed to get over this crush, he thought, but Robert's gaze shifted to his kid, and he got that look again, the one that said he loved him more than anything. And it was bloody beautiful, and Aaron shook his head himself.  

"He's lucky," he said out loud.

Robert snorted.

"No, he is."

Robert looked at him. "Wish I saw whatever it is you see."

Aaron shrugged. "He'll see it, that's what matters right?"

"Hope so."


	12. Chapter 12

It was midweek and an afternoon, which meant it was the wrong time of day to be walking into a gay bar and Robert knew it. He was doing it on purpose muttering things about small steps in his head. He felt sweaty though and rubbed his palms on his thighs — as discretely as possible as he made his way up to the bar. He ordered a brandy which got him a look from the man behind the counter for being pretentious probably. Maybe he was, but a pint wasn't going to do it, and the truth was he a finite time to be here. 

If he stayed. 

Robert turned on his stool and looked around. Everyone in the place seemed already paired up, which made sense. This was the time where people might meet up for a quiet chat in a familiar place. The place he'd chosen was a small place known for specialty beers and wasn't easy to find. He researched it and a few other places. Stared at the directions to them on his laptop a million times before getting his car and finally driving here.  

He heard his brandy being set down on the counter and turned to grab it. Held in his hands and looked down at the liquid and knew he wouldn't find courage there. Robert sighed, shook his head, and took a drink. He was being ridiculous. It wasn't as if he was new to the idea of meeting a man — it's just he wasn't doing it in the shadows. He wasn't here to find some quick hook up that he would try to justify as meaning nothing before he went back to some woman he was lying too about himself and an about a future. 

Chrissie sprang to mind, and there was this odd pang of loss that hit him. He groaned because thinking about the White's just made him feel terrible. He'd been terrible. A bad person, for a long time, hiding and angry and avoiding all the things that might make him happy. Because there was a voice that sounded too much like his dad telling him it was sick.  

He couldn't listen to him anymore, and he grabbed his phone and pulled up a picture of Seb. To remind him why he was trying to make different and better choices now. Why he needed to face this part of him… Why he needed to start being open about his sexuality.  He grinned as Seb's face popped up, wide eyes and somewhat grinning. It looked like he had dimples and Robert really wondered how he'd helped make something so… innocent.  

"Cute kid," a voice behind startled him.

He cringed before he remembered he wanted to be noticed. Just maybe not when he was looking at a picture of Seb for strength and a reminder to be better. He darkened the screen and turned to look at the man. He was average height with glasses, nice looking really but not really Robert's type — maybe? He sighed and told himself to have a more open mind. He'd always looked for men who looked like they had secrets or didn't want to be in the gay clubs anymore than he did… 

That wasn't his modus operandi any longer. 

"How old?"

"Uh, little under six months, I guess by now…" Robert felt like an idiot. "It's new."

"Ah, your first," the man sat down next to him. "I have two myself."  

"Oh…"

"Yeah," the man grinned and pulled out his cell phone and showed Robert his home screen. Him and another man, with baby and a toddler. A happy family and Robert felt the hole that was always inside of his widen with envy. "Ivy, Ben and that's my husband, Rex… I like to brag."

"I get it," Robert said and pulled up Seb's picture again. "Sebastian, Seb… uh, didn't know about him until a few months ago."

"Huh?" the man studied him. "You look half out the door."

Robert sighed at being so obvious.  

"But no ring, so no wife? Not with the mother?"

"Uh…" Robert wasn't sure how to broach it. "It's complicated, but there is no woman currently in the picture."

"So…first time?"

"No, not exactly," Robert said and looked around. "I just usually don't do this in daylight."

"Is an odd time if you want to meet someone. Rex is running late…oh and I'm Paul, by the way."

"Robert."

Paul nodded. "Not new and no woman…"

"I'm not looking for an affair," Robert said.

Paul laughed and looked at his phone. "I wouldn't ruin this for a billion."

"Envy that… I might if I had it… I'm not that nice of a person."

"Just have one foot still in the closet? I've been there."

Robert nodded, but he kept thinking his story was his, and he wasn't sure he wanted to compare coming out stories with a stranger. But he wasn't sure he wanted to shove the guy away either — he seemed nice, and he wasn't interested. It'd been the only reason he'd mentioned an affair.  

"I've been with men," Robert said. "It's not that."

"Then what is that has you looking like a fish out of water?"

"Did you…" Robert looked at Paul's phone. "When your first was born, did it… make you reassess."

"Definitely."

"Yeah, well, I… wasn't a good person. I cared about money, status, the trophy woman…and that was already rocky when suddenly I had my son. He just showed up one day, needing a family, needing a parent, and I never saw it coming. I never knew… how easy it was to fall to in love."  

Paul nodded. 

"And suddenly I hated my life and everything about it… And I knew, I needed to stop running."

"From being gay?"

"No," Robert sighed and shook his head. "From being…" he hated the hesitation and how it stuck in his throat.  He swallowed a sip of the brandy and took a breath. "From being bisexual." 

"Oh," Paul said and nodded.

Robert watched him. 

"Closet is still the closet, though."

Robert shrugged. 

"What is it you want for… Seb was it?"

"Everything I wasn't given…" Robert muttered. "Already can't give him a mum…not like he deserves anyway." 

"Love her? The mum?"

"No…" Robert sighed. "I used her like I used every one." 

"Why she leave?"

"No… she died." 

"Shit, sorry."

"Not your fault. Like I said, I want him to have what I didn't… but he and I are starting life the exact same way. A mum who dies in a car crash… I didn't know non-biological things could be genetic."

"That's bad, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

"What else do you want to give him?"

"Safety… love. No expectations he can't leave up too…" Robert shook his head. "I don't want to be my father."

"Bad dad?"

"No. Well, yeah. To me, not my brother or sister, though." 

"Black sheep? Rex has that… his family never got him, so he found a new family."

"My mum — step mum, and sister are great but…" Robert sighed. "I'd like to try with my brother, but his wife is an ex and…"

"Your life isn't simple, is it?"

Robert laughed. "No."

"There is Rex," Paul said and slapped Robert on the shoulder. "Look, you said it today, don't rush yourself and just focus on that cute kid, yeah?"

Robert nodded and brought up the picture of Seb again and wished he'd felt relief at saying it out loud to Paul. But Paul was a stranger, and he wasn't someone who's phone number he was going to get — and maybe he should count it as a step, but he wasn't sure he could…

Could he?

He sighed and drank a long gulp of his brandy. He wasn't ready to meet anyone, to consider putting their number in his phone, to consider a date — a real date and not some random anonymous hook up in a hotel. He knew it, and it's why he was in a quiet bar where the likelihood was low…

At least he had met a friendly face. He looked around and found Paul sitting at a table with Rex. They were holding hands over it, leaned toward each other, both grinning as they seemed to talk over each other. They radiated happiness, and considering they had two kids at home, Robert hoped it stayed it that way. He felt empty and ached for it — for a connection. A real one. He never really found one with anyone… Chrissie was maybe the closest, but there was always walls between them. They were never friends, really and somehow he knew that was the problem and he wondered if he could do that? 

Could he?

He'd never managed it before, and he wasn't ready for a real relationship. Not before he figured out what it was he really wanted and faced up to who he really was — to himself and to the people that mattered. The thought of telling anyone he knew felt terrifying. He couldn't do it, he couldn't… 

But he needed to be it, somehow, so he'd sit and finish the brandy in his hand.  And talk to anyone else that might walk up to him. Though, he found himself hoping no one else would. He sighed at that and took a sip and shoved his phone in his pocket.  

He was far from figuring this out, but at least this time he hadn't found a mirror of his old self or had to run and hide from sister. He sighed, remembering seeing Adam and Vic in the club…. "Oh." He laughed and realized that Aaron been there too…

That night Aaron had been at the same club, and he shook his head. Thankful they hadn't seen each other until they were both out of it. Robert frowned and told himself for the millionth time, knowing Aaron was gay changed nothing. They were mates, and they would stay mates. Yes, he was attracted to Aaron but so what? He was attracted to a lot of people, it didn't mean he had to start telling them his secrets and share things that were of no consequence. They were mates, he hoped they were anyway, and yeah he liked Aaron. A lot.  

The truth was he liked what he and Aaron were — he wanted the friendship. Because it was another new and different thing for him… Making connections with someone with no ulterior motive. Finding a real friend. There was no way he could jeopardize it — not that he wanted too. Robert already promised himself he'd tell his mum and Vic first. They deserved to know before anyone else…  

They were family.

Plus, Aaron thought he was straight — and the lie bothered him but not enough to fix it. Not yet. It was bothering him with everyone that mattered — but he felt too uncomfortable every time he even thought about telling the truth. 

"Small steps, Sugden…" he muttered. 

~~~

Aaron frowned when he saw the boxes for him with his old address from France in the corner…. It told him all he needed to know, Ed had sent him stuff he'd left behind. Because he'd left in a hurry. Because Ed had thrown him out with nothing but a hastily packed suitcase. Aaron wasn't really missing anything, the truth was he didn't own much, but he bought a few things here and there. And he had been a France a year. He guessed things added up. 

He touched the boxes and cringed though, remembering how bad the end had been with Ed. He'd regret it, not keeping Ed as a friend — he'd been a good guy. Steadfast, funny, easy to talk with. Loyal. Unlike him and Aaron sighed again and felt uncomfortable in his skin. Cheating wasn't who he was, and he wasn't sure he'd ever shake the guilt at doing it…

He knew why it happened and even how it happened, but none of the reasons justified it. But the truth was he, and Ed would've been better off as just mates — but they weren't, and Aaron felt trapped. Ed had helped him pull himself out of one the darkest times in his life and Aaron been grateful, and it'd kept him quiet about his real feelings for too long. He kept bottling up breaking things up with Ed because he felt grateful to him… It'd been stupid, and the end result had been him feeling trapped and bored.  

It was no wonder he messed it up. He liked to hope he hadn't really done it on purpose, that he hadn't wanted to hurt Ed on any level. He didn't think so, but he knew he'd hurt himself in the process too… and he didn't like that, it felt dangerous. He wondered if he could call Ed? Try to apologize again. Ed hadn't wanted to hear it after Aaron had come clean. He'd blindsided him, Ed had thought they were settled and happy.  He wouldn't make excuses, but a part of him really did want to apologize.

He thought about trying to call him, but instead, he just grabbed a knife from the kitchen and opened the biggest box. It was clothes mostly, but he grinned at the sight of his purple hoodie. He had missed that one, it was the softest inside and he poked around to see if Ed left a note or anything. But there was nothing, he was just returning Aaron's things. 

Getting rid.

Aaron didn't blame him.  

"Chas?" A voice rang out, and Aaron looked up to see Sarah Sugden walking in, carrying Seb on one hip and all the bags that came with a baby dangling from her other hand. "Is your mum around?"

"No, sorry, she and Katie went off somewhere…" Aaron said, knowing they'd told him where but he hadn't been listening. 

"Hmm…you might be the better option anyway," she said with a coy smile.

Aaron stared at her.  

"He trusts you, and lord knows that's a miracle."

"What are you getting me into?"

"Jack's lawyer's called, and I can't find Robert. I need to go to Leeds, and I don't have the car seat, and I shouldn't take him anyway."

"You want me to babysit?"

"Just for a bit…" Sarah said. "Please?"

Aaron sighed and nodded.

Sarah grinned, and Aaron found himself with Seb in his hands. He had a bit of deja vu to the day he'd met both Robert and his son, and hoped it ended up better than last time. Especially since he was being left alone with him. "Uh? You're gonna tell him, right?"

"I'll leave that up to you, I'm already running late," Sarah said, and she vanished. 

Aaron sighed and looked at Seb. "Guess, we should warn your dad you're with me, huh?" he muttered and pulled out his phone, angled it to get him and Seb in the pic. He rolled his eyes at himself, but it was the shortest way to explain, really. And if he was cheeky enough maybe Robert wouldn't get mad at him or his mum. Aaron knew he was protective of Seb and Sarah probably had a point, he's not sure Robert would've been okay with his mum watching him.  He quickly tapped out a message and told Robert they'd be in the back room of the pub whenever he stopped being busy.  


	13. Chapter 13

Robert pulled into the spot behind the bookstore and turned off his car. He leaned back in the seat and shook his head. He kept hearing himself saying he was bisexual to Paul. It felt both monumental and like nothing at all if he was being honest, and it was hard to process it. Paul taken it in stride, he hadn't even blinked, and it'd made it feel almost normal. If having an oddly private conversation with a stranger was normal. Though what was normal? Robert shook his head. Paul had been kind and even walked up before he and husband left and introduced Rex to him and let it drop they were met up for lunch at the bar every Wednesday and Thursday's for lunch. He'd nodded and was still wondering if he would take them up on the hint, the small offer of friendship? Or was it guidance?

It made his spin. A lot like how saying it out loud had felt anti-climatic despite all his breathe being held in his lungs right after saying it. How could it be both? Maybe it feeling mundane was the point and the reason to except it. But he'd said to a gay stranger, in a gay bar and he'd needed to the safe space, he realized. And laughed a bit because in all his life he'd never considered a gay bar a safe space. 

Until now. 

"Huh..." He let it sink into his bones a bit and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He'd turned it off, despite constantly looking at pictures of Seb to keep him grounded and remind him why he was trying to find more sure footing in his life. He smiled at his son and closed the phone to open it again and turn on sound. There was a message from Aaron, and he didn't notice his smile as he pressed it with his index finger to open it. 

A picture of Aaron and Seb's faces filled the screen. He blinked at it in confusion and closed it without thinking to reopen it and find the real message. Only the picture remained there, and his throat went a bit dry as he stared at them. His son was peering at Aaron and Aaron looked like he was rolling his eyes a bit -- probably about taking a selfie with a baby, Robert thought. It was Aaron though, so Aaron and he felt a bit strange at knowing that. They hadn't been mates that long. He stared at it a bit longer without realizing he was smiling and then made sure to save it to his ongoing collection of pictures of Seb.  

It was his fatherly duty. That was what he told himself. It wasn't until after that he read the message, and it made him wonder why he hadn't once questioned why Seb was with Aaron. Which was disconcerting, to say the least. He also wondered what it was his dad's lawyer needed with Sarah -- everything been taken care of as far as he knew.  

He got out of the car and walked around the bookstore, past the cafe, and toward the Woolpack. From the time on the message poor Aaron been stuck on babysitting duty for hours now. It was kind of him and all, but he really shouldn't have been put on it. Though, maybe his mother already had Seb back? He opened his phone, blinked at the picture again and sent a quick text to Aaron.  

Robert: _Do you still have him?_

Another text came in, this time a picture of Sebastian chewing on what looked like weasel stuffed toy with his legs kicked up in the air. He grinned at it but wondered where that'd toy had been. He told Aaron he was just outside and walked into the Woolpack. He headed straight for behind the bar...

"Oi, where you going?" Katie's voice was obnoxious in his ear.

It instantly deflated his mood. "None of your business, Katie."

"Seb's back there with Aaron," Chas said to Katie. 

"What? Why? You're shoving your kid off at strangers?" Katie rolled her eyes. 

"Aaron's a mate, and mum asked him to watch him."

Katie made a face.

Robert wondered why he was giving her any kind of attention. He shook his head and walked behind the bar, thankful Chas didn't even look twice at him. When he walked into the backroom of the pub, Aaron was groaning as he took things out of one of Seb's bags and tried putting them back in again.  

"How do you fit all this shit in here, Sugden?" Aaron asked.

"It's a skill," Robert laughed and walked passed him to check on Seb.  

He kicked his legs and dropped the toy weasel when he saw him his hands reaching up. Robert felt that tug of love and wonderment his son recognized him and wanted to see him. It was a strange feeling, he wondered if he would ever get used to it. He tickled his tummy and picked up the toy. He looked it over, it seemed pretty clean -- well if he didn't count his kids drool. All his toys were covered with drool these days. "What is this?"

"Oh, uh... Yeah, it's just a toy of my exes team's mascot. Not sure why it's a weasel, neither was Ed. I just thought he might like it..." Aaron trailed off. 

"No, it's fine... it's soggy..." Robert laughed. "He's starting to get his teeth I think... I need to look at the books." He shook his head. 

"He's fine. He was happy and gurgly as always."

"Thanks for helping mum...me...us out." Robert stammered. 

Aaron shrugged. "Like I said no big deal. He's my favorite person in the village..." Aaron tickled his stomach too.  

Robert laughed. 

"Kept me company when I went through all this shite..." He waved at the boxes around.

"What is it all?"

"Stuff I left in France. Ed sent it, surprised he didn't ask for his money back..." Aaron shook his head.

"The ex?"

"Yeah," Aaron sighed.

Robert went to Seb's bags and looked inside and shook his head. "Aaron, what the hell did you do, empty them all out on the floor?"

Aaron shrugged. "I couldn't find things."

"They all..." Robert sighed and started to re-organize the bags in the right way, so all of Seb's stuff had its correct place. He supposed maybe how he didn't wasn't obvious to people. But he'd found a way to shove everything in a somewhat organized way.  

"Not my thing, mate..." Aaron muttered.

"It'll fix easy," Robert said. "Mum, mention why she was heading to the lawyer?"

"No, why would she?"

"Good point..." Robert made a face. 

"Why?"

"Just there shouldn't be a reason... I thought we got everything all done up."

"There is always something," Aaron said.

Robert nodded.

"Where were you?" Aaron asked. 

Robert froze his brain, uncharacteristically empty of lies.

"You don't have to tell me," Aaron muttered.

"No, it's not... I just went for a drink. Just needed to be alone for a bit. Hear myself think."

"Oh..." Aaron looked at him. "On the pull?"

"It's was Wednesday afternoon," Robert muttered because he specifically was no on the pull -- not really.

"Hey, sometimes it's gotta be when you feel it... Now and again I go weird hours just so Adam doesn't tag along. He is not the decent wingman he thinks he is."

Robert laughed. 

"I appreciate his support but..." Aaron shook his head.

Feeling a bit of jealously, Robert tried to remember the guy from the cafe's name. "What about that Quint, guy going to see him again?"

"Who..oh Quinn? Nah..." Aaron shuddered. "He was alright, definitely never wanted to see him again, though."

"He probably thought you forgot your wallet on purpose."

"My mum did..." Aaron shook his head. "Trust me from no on I double-check the wallet situation."  

They both laughed.  

"But are you..." Aaron stammered a bit. "You know, looking?"

Robert looked at Seb and shook his head. "No, not really... I mean I might but definitely nothing serious.  Not until he's older, I think? You know?"

Aaron nodded. "Don't know he might be a draw."

Robert stared at him and swore Aaron's cheeks went pink. "What?"

"Just... Uh, heard some of them talking in the pub. Your apparently a DILF..." Aaron shuddered. "Can't believe I just said that."

"A DILF?"

"Never mind," Aaron shook his head.  

Robert stared at him and then looked at Seb. "Truth is I wanna try to stop using people, so definitely won't be using my son to date."

"Don't know the protective dad thing is hot..." 

He turned and stared at Aaron again and saw that his cheeks had turned pink.

"I didn't say that..." Aaron mumbled, and Robert wasn't sure he was meant to hear it.  

No, no, no. Robert shook his head and told himself there was no way Aaron was attracted to him. None at all. He didn't seem the type to waste his time on a straight man and Aaron thankfully thought he was straight. There was no way Aaron was on any level attracted to him... That just couldn't be true. He needed it not to be true. 

"So, uh, Adam called, and we're getting that portacabin up at the site tomorrow if you want to stop by and check it out. Scrap's starting to get delivered too, we might actually make some money," Aaron said. 

"Yeah, I told you it would be all good," Robert said, thankful for the subject change. "What time?"

"Late morning, I think."

"Yeah, all right. I'll stop by, but like I promised, I'll stay silent."

Aaron nodded. 

"It's all yours and his."

"Vic was making noise about a dinner to celebrate it. I think she just wants to cook something she's learned at that course."

"Yeah," Robert grinned. "She really loves it."

"Don't why she needs it, she's always been a pretty good cook."

"Wants to get better at it, though. I get it..." Robert sighed. "I really gotta figure out what I want to do for work?"

"Thought you wanted to focus on the bookstore."

"I am, I am... But really it's still mum's. Not going to take it from her, just want her to get some more money in, especially now she's more separate from the farm."

"What do you do exactly?"

"Investments. Helping people invest. I've worked in farm equipment sales, pretty high up for a bit. But well I sold that."

"Sold that? What a farm equipment business?"

"Oh, yeah... It was Seb's grandfathers. I just..." Robert sighed. "I couldn't keep the shares I somehow ended up with when all his family died. It wasn't fair, to just get all handed to me that way. Seb still gets the money either way, whether we own it or not. I've got more than I need too.." He sighed.

"What?"

"Just... Used to think money and status was all that mattered. And now..."

"Now, you don't?"

"Now I'm wondering if that was ever really me?" Robert admitted.

"Think I get that."

"Yeah?"

Aaron shrugged. "Thought a lot about myself in France. I mean why I ran off to another country with a guy I barely knew... I was pretty lost and wasn't sure who I was or wanted to be. Got a few things figured out, like the Dingles. Crazy and annoying as they are... Their the family want and well... I figured out Ed wasn't my type. The hard way, I guess..."

"What, what do you mean?"

"Ugh..." Aaron sighed. "I cheated on him. I felt stifled and bored and one of the worst decisions of my life. Even if it made me realize he and I weren't ever going to work. I thought I had to make it work for a while... And don't know, it was tied into Jackson."

"He's the boyfriend who died," Robert asked, trying for softly.

Aaron nodded. "I... Jackson's complicated but..." He sighed. "I try to just remember the good things."

"Best way," Robert said. 

"Yeah...." Aaron muttered both nodding and shaking his head.  

Everything went quiet, and Robert put the last few things into Seb's bags and looked at his son. His eyes were dropping, and the weasel was just sort of against his mouth now. He smiled a bit and pulled the toy away and threw it in one of the bags. "I better get him home."

"Oh, yeah."

Robert pulled out his wallet. 

"What're you doing?"

"Paying you for babysitting," Robert said.

"No," Aaron shook his head. "It was a favor."

"Aaron it was hours out of your day."

"I wanted to," Aaron said. "It's fine."

Robert sighed and put his wallet away. "Fine. But I owe you, alright?"

"I don't think so... Investment in my business and all."

"That doesn't count, that was for Vic."

Aaron laughed. 

Robert smiled. 

"Ah, good you're here," Sarah smiled as she walked into the room. "Was he good," she asked Aaron.

Aaron nodded. 

"He's sweet baby, we'll have to look when he's older. This one just the same," she kissed Robert on his cheek. 

"Mum, what did the lawyer want?"

"I'll tell you at home, I've called Vic to come over."

Robert felt dread hit him. "Mum?"

"It's nothing bad, Robert."

He frowned but grabbed the bags and Seb. That was until his mother stole him from him. "I'll get him in your car."

"She wants to steal him, I think," Robert laughed.

"Grandmums," Aaron shrugged.

"I guess... Haven't seen mine in ages."

"Never met mine," Aaron laughed. 

Robert smiled, but it faded wondering what it was Sarah had called Vic over for... What had the lawyer said?  

"Robert..." Aaron was closer to him. "She said it wasn't bad."

"Yeah, but it's about my dad..." He felt unsettled. 

"It'll be okay," Aaron said.

Robert nodded. "Guess so. Thanks for watching him."

Aaron nodded. "Like I said, he's my favorite person in the village."

"Mine, too," Robert nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

'Yeah. Portacabin, remember."

He smiled and took off.  Mind whirring about a million things. It'd been easy just talking with Aaron, but now everything else was piling onto his shoulders again -- including Aaron possibly implying he found him hot. The embarrassment on his face pointed it that way, but it just couldn't be true. Aaron wouldn't waste his time for one. Robert shook his head and nearly stumbled when it hit him again he'd told Paul he was bisexual. He'd just said it and nothing happened -- and that was good wasn't it? What had he wanted dramatic music? He laughed at himself but frowned as he spotted his mum at the car. 

Why had the lawyer called her? Why had she called up Vic to meet them at the house? Anything that had to do with Jack Sugden and all he could do was feel dread.

She turned as he got near and made a face. "I promise it's nothing bad," she said again. "But you do have to wait for your sister..." she paused. "And Andy."

"What?"

"I know, but it's how it has to be."

"Great," he muttered and felt like he wasn't going to like what it was at all. 


	14. Chapter 14

A chip hit his face. Aaron scowled at it as it fell to his lap and picked it up and chucked it back at Adam. "What the?"

"Oh, you are here."

Aaron scowled more and looked around. "No, I'm elsewhere." 

"Mate," Adam laughed. "You've been scowling at that burger for over an hour. Marlon's feelings are gonna get hurt."

"Guess, just not hungry," he muttered. 

"Yeah, right… we need to discuss the scrapyard, was kinda the whole point of this meeting."

"Thought it was to eat," Aaron muttered. 

"Where are you?"

"Right here."

"Yeah, no, you're not."

Aaron sighed and shook his head. He couldn't really tell Adam he felt like he put his foot in with Robert today. He kept going over and over their last conversation and wondering what the hell happened to his tight-lipped reputation. He kept babbling at Robert, things he shouldn't even be thinking let alone saying out loud. He knew Robert noticed though he'd been classy enough to ignore it. But it was bothering him, a lot like his continued… interest in Robert was bugging him. He should have pushed it away by now, it was a no-go, there was no chance with him. 

"Mate, Aaron? You're off in space in again."

"Whatever…." Aaron picked up his pint, finished it, and stood up. "Want another?"

"Yeah," Adam said, but he was looking at him weirdly. 

Aaron wandered over to the bar, and a girl smiled at him. He quickly looked away, but he smelled perfume up his nostrils suddenly, and there was a nudge against his arm. He sighed and looked at her. 

"I'm Mary."

"I'm gay," he said. 

"If you're not interested, you just need to say so," she snapped.

"I figure the reason I'm not is getting straight to the point," he muttered. 

"Aaron," his mum was there behind the bar. "I'm sorry, I let the wolves of the family raise him. White wine is on me," she handed the woman two glasses. 

Wolves, he laughed and heard Robert saying the same thing, somehow the accusation was better from him… Aaron groaned and put his empty pint glass down. "More," he said. 

"Proving my point," she said and gave him a look. "What has you so upset.'

"It's nothing," he muttered.

"Is it the business, I thought you were rid of you cold feet?"

"I am, it's not that…" Aaron sighed. 

"Aaron?" she had that mum face on.

"It's nothing," he muttered. "The pints."

"Pints?"

"Adam?"

"Oh, of course," Chas rolled her eyes and poured two pints. "You can talk to me."

"Not about this," he muttered and grabbed the pints and wandered back to the table. 

Adam reached for his and raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

"Attracting the ladies, they love the gay catnip."

"Shut up," Aaron scowled. 

"Yeah, yeah… what is with you tonight, you snapped her like you were taken."

"Did not."

"Yeah, man, you're usually….well not nice, but nicer about it."

"Not in the mood, I guess." 

"Maate."

Aaron sighed. "Will drop it."

"No, cause we're starting up full-on tomorrow, and I need to know your head is in this, Aaron."

"It is," he mumbled.

"You sure? Something is up, man, I don't need you… all mardy."

"I just…" Aaron groaned.

"What?"

"I have this… not crush, or something."

"You like someone?" Adam asked. "That's great."

"No."

"What he married?"

"No."

"Engaged?"

"No."

"What's wrong, then?"

"He's straight."

"MAAATE…." Adam shook his head and frowned. "Hey, I'm supposed to the only one."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"I thought you always shut that down."

"I do, I shut it right down."

"Then shut it down."

"Been trying…." Aaron shook his head. "I right out told him I found him attractive today to…" he scowled and wished he hadn't said it, but there it was again the Robert Effect. He made him babble.

"He freak out?"

"No," Aaron said and shook his head. "He noticed, I saw a look but then he…just went on like it didn't happen."

"Huh?" Adam said.

"Huh?"

"He must be really secure, cause he just let it drop?"

"Yeah?" Aaron nodded. "I mean he's pretty confident."

"Wait, who is this?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Sure, it does… who is it? Do I know him, how did you meet some straight guy? Cause, man if you met him out on the pull some night, you might have a closet case? Maybe you should make a move."

"It's no one, Adam."

"Well, no, it's a straight guy you're crushing on."

"Forget it, it's not a big deal… it'll pass."

"It's got you in this mood, and you think it's gonna pass. I mean you're telling me, mate…" Adam nodded at himself. "It's big."

Aaron scowled at him. 

"He must be fit, he real fit?" 

Aaron frowned. 

"He's ugly?" 

"No, he's fucking fit, alright…" Aaron sighed. 

"Maybe it's just lust then… I mean a guy is fit, he's fit, and you wanna do…whatever to him. Maybe you know, take care of it on your own and get it out your system."

"I'm eating."

"Uh, no, you are still ignoring that burger and hurting Marlon's feelings, mate."

"I'm not gonna…"

"I would, did, have…" Adam grinned at him. 

Aaron screwed up his face in disgust. 

"It's natural."

"For you, maybe." 

"Oh wait, phone…" he pulled his cell out of his pocket. "It's Vic."

Aaron felt himself sit up straight and wondered if he'd get a clue about why Sarah wanted all her kids to meet up that farm. Robert looked dead, worried about whatever it was the lawyer wanted. He got a bit weird whenever his dad was mentioned. Something went dark behind his eyes, and it made Aaron worry, he tried to tell himself not to put his own biases on it, but it was hard not. And it was Robert… 

It was Robert. He sighed, why did he have the guy in his own category. He was going mad, that was the only answer. 

"Shit…" Adam muttered.

"What?"

"Don't know, …really. Was hoping she was gonna tell me why Sarah wanted to see her up at the house. Figured she'd know by now, but apparently, Andy, Katie, and Robert got into it before Sarah could say anything. And now she's stuck trying to calm down Andy, while Sarah deals with Robert… I mean Vic's got the better deal I think."

Aaron bit his lip so he wouldn't ask if Robert was alright. 

"I mean, they are kind of oil and water just looking at them, right? Andy, right down to earth, I mean I know he's got a temper and all, but… he's like us, right. And Robert, he's all posh and trying to look he's better than Emmerdale."

"No, he doesn't," Aaron said before his brain caught up.

"What?"

"He doesn't think eh's better than Emmerdale. He came home, didn't he?"

"Kid, though right. Pawn it off on Sarah whenever he feels like it."

"He doesn't pawn Seb off," Aaron said. "He loves that kid."

"Seems like he's always with Sarah."

"He needs to live a life, right and Sarah wants to do it."

"Yeah, well… I don't think he came home cause he wanted to, mate. He'll take off I bet, once he's gotten what he wants… Vic's dead worried about it, she doesn't want him to go but doesn't trust he'll stay."

"What he wants?" 

"Money or something?"

"I don't think he's worried about money, mate," Aaron said, remembered their conversation today. "And if he is back 'cause of Seb, it's to give him a home and family, mate." 

Adam stared at him.

"What?"

"Since when are you Robert Sugden's cheerleader, I mean I know you two been a bit matey but…"

"But what? He's not that bad, really. Maybe you should get to know him."

"Look, I'm fine taking money from him and all. I know it was for Vic, not us, and all… but yeah, don't see him and me having much in common."

Aaron shrugged. "I talk to him, alright."

Adam stared at him.

"What?" Aaron pressed, trying to act like he wasn't petrified Adam was about to put two and two together. He should have kept his trap shut, but instead, he'd kept opening it up to defend him. 

"Aaron…" Adam stared at him.

"What?"

"No…nah, nah…" Adam laughed and shook his head. "Nevermind, it was daft…hah."

"You going mad?"

"Might be for thinking that," Adam laughed. "Anyway, Vic thinks she'll be at the house tonight instead of my flat. Stuck there late an all… maybe I should go up there?"

"Don't know, Sarah wanted them all up there, just them… So."

"How do you know that?"

"I watched Seb today for her and Robert."

"You what?"

"Right place and all, Robert was out, and Sarah got that call from the lawyer."

"He bite your head off when he found out?"

"No," Aaron shook his head. "He's alright, mate."

"If you say so, you're nicer than me." 

"Whatever…" Aaron bit into his burger and made a face. "This is disgusting."

"That's because it's cold."

~~~

"I forgot how far from the house this rock was…" Sarah said, letting out a breath. "That or I'm just getting old."

"You're not," Robert mumbled. 

Sarah sat down next to him on the rock and looked out at the same field, he was staring at but not seeing. 

"Who is watching, Seb?"

"Vic has the monitor, though she is talking to Andy."

Robert sniffed and looked away. 

"I wish you boys would try."

"I have. I did. It was Katie…" Robert snapped and looked at her. "She comes in and makes it worse."

"Oh, just her?" Sarah asked with a look.

"Mum…" he sighed. "I'd apologize to her if I thought she'd listen. She won't, so why should I be sorry. It's not like it was just me, you know?"

"I know… And I don't think they've ever really worked on the reasons for that…" she sighed. "Andy and Katie are who they are, and you are you are…."

"And it'll never mix."

"Maybe not, but I need all of you to get better at trying. I'm not going to a mother who can't have her two boys in the same room."

Robert sighed. 

She hooked their arms. "I've missed you enough as it is, I don't want you missing from family dinners, or meetings, or whatever else comes up. Andy has two kids you barely know, those are your niece and nephew."

"Yeah, creatively named to."

"Shut up," Sarah laughed. "Seb should know his cousins."

"Yeah," Robert muttered. "I want him to." 

"Good. Now what the hell set off that shouting match."

"He mentioned Dad being upset, how I just gave up on the farm."

"Oh."

"He doesn't get it, just like dad never did…"

"Jack might've surprised you?" she said.

Robert felt his heart sink, and he bit back telling her Jack might surprise her. He'd never tell her, it'd break her heart. "I doubt it."

"Well…." Sarah sighed. "I wanted to do this with all of you together. But since you and your brother are two the stubbornest idiots in the world."

"Do what?"

"The reason the lawyer called is he forgot something rather important."

"What is it? More bills?"

"No, no, nothing bad. Jack, he wrote us all letters…." Sarah sniffled. "I think, I think what you've been saying might've true. Something was wrong with him for longer than we knew. He might have known though… old fool, keeping it to himself and blindsiding us all."

"Mum…" He pulled her into half hug.

"Here is yours," she said and handed it to him.

He stared at it.

"It's the thickest envelope… I guess since you haven't been around, he had the most to say." 

He just stared at it. 

"It won't bite, Honey."

"I don't want it." 

"What?"

"I don't want it…" Robert said again and shook his head. "I just don't."

"Robert?"

"Please, mum…just burn it or something."

"I will do no such thing," she said. "I'll just hold on it. Until you're ready. I know things with you and Jack were… well horrible and I know it drove you away from us. I don't think I've ever forgiven Jack for it, either and now I can't. And maybe you have things you can never forgive him for, Robert. But whatevr he said in here… It must've been important to him, and maybe it could give you some closure."

Robert shook his head. 

"I'll keep it," she said again. "You gonna stay out here and brood?"

He nodded. 

Sarah kissed his cheek. "Don't stay out here too late."

"I won't."

"I love you."

He smiled. "I love you too…" he sighed. "I'll keep trying with Andy."

"And Katie."

"I'll try."

She held out the letter one more time.

He shook his head. Sarah sighed and headed back to the house. Robert clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. Jack was gone, and he was still finding ways under his skin. He didn't want to know what was in that letter, there was nothing between them that could be unsaid. He knew what his father thought of him, of the real him — and he almost destroyed his life trying to be what Jack wanted, thinking he deserved it. He couldn't go back there, he couldn't read Jack's drivel and possible empty apologies. Or worse no apology at all — that was the truth. The letter was probably nothing but Jack asserting his own damn position and angry at Robert for not playing by his rules. 

He wanted to forget it, as much as he could being Emmerdale anyway — he was here for his mum and Vic. Maybe to try to fix his relationship with Andy. If that met finding a way to find peace with Katie too… so be it. But not his father. No his father was staying buried. 

He looked up at the sky and back at the house. He couldn't go back in there. He dug his phone out of his pocket and texted Aaron, asking if he wanted to go a drink in Hotten. He needed a friendly face, and Aaron's was the only one he wasn't related too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, was focusing on big bang and had stupid headaches.


	15. Chapter 15

“An hour.” 

“Huh?”

Aaron put down the two pints he was holding and sat back down across from Robert. “We’ve been sitting here an hour, and you’ve only grunted a yes to this pint…” he slid one of the glasses closer to Robert.

“Oh…” Robert frowned and wrapped his hand around the glass. He was being terrible company, lost in his own head — he never should have called Aaron, but he hadn’t wanted to be alone, being alone felt dangerous and Aaron was the only person he trusted. And his only mate. He sighed. 

“It’s alright,” Aaron shrugged. “Not much for small chitchat but…” he eyed Robert.

“It’s nothing,” Robert mumbled and tried to tell himself, again, that it really was — he’d gone most of his life not understanding Jack Sugden, he doubted an unread letter would suddenly give him clarity into his father’s mind. It’d likely just raise questions and hurt — the letter would hurt, and he wasn’t sure if he could take it. 

“Robert?”

He looked up and fell into Aaron’s eyes — shining with concern and kindness. Was Aaron real? He shook his head. “I can’t.”

Aaron nodded after a beat. “Well, then you owe me for the pints, mate. I charge for comfortable silence.”

He laughed.

“Alright then,” Aaron smiled at him. 

“Is it?”

“What?”

“Comfortable?”

“Don’t know what’s in your head, but us…we’re good,” Aaron said and took a drink. “Place is getting near closing hours, but we can wait until then — guessing you’re not in a rush to get back.”

“Miss Seb…” Robert sighed and made his phone light up, his son’s face staring up at him on the home screen. “But that’s about it… Mum’s acting like she’s alright but…”

“This about whatever the lawyer wanted?”

“Yeah…it wasn’t bad, well not for the rest of them.”

“Meaning?”

Robert tensed. 

“Sorry…I didn’t mean to push. Hate it when people push me to talk, just makes me want to smash their noses in.”

Robert laughed again, and it felt good. It felt comfortable and real and grounded him down. If only it could erase the memory of the letter in the back of his mind. It was going to loom there, not boxed up and tucked away. He frowned because he was supposed to be unboxing things, facing things and trying to figure himself out — for Seb’s sake and here he wished to box up Jack again…

Though he would never open his biggest Jack box. He took a drink of his pint. “Thanks,” he said.

“For what?”

“Getting it.” Robert flashed Aaron a grin. “Me not wanting to talk.”

“Trust me, I get it…” Aaron nodded.

“Yeah,” Robert nodded and made his screen light up again to see Seb. “Sometimes he’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”

“Good, way it should be right?”

“I hope so.”

“People get it wrong,” Aaron muttered, making Robert look up at him. Aaron’s focus was on Robert’s phone, on Seb, and his expression looked strained. Something nagged at the back of Robert’s mind, something about him and Seb and Aaron. Little things Aaron always said, and he frowned. 

“Meaning?”

Aaron glanced at him. “Parents, don’t put the kid first, get things messed up…”

Robert nodded. 

“It’s good, though, right. You’re not doing that.”

Fear rushed Robert and glanced at Seb’s face again. “Truth is, I’m terrified I will mess it up. Mess him up… screw up, be selfish, not be who I should be for him… My Dad, he….” Robert trailed off and clenched his jaw. 

“Hey, sorry…”

Robert shook his head and looked at Aaron, catching thoughts and feelings in his expression seconds before Aaron shove them away. 

“I just…think you’re doing good.”

“And that matters to you?” Robert asked before he could stop it.

Aaron bit his bottom lip and nodded. 

Robert nodded with him and felt the fear of screwing up threaten to shake him. “Maybe…” he trailed off.

“What?”

“Maybe if you ever think I’m not doing good, you tell me?” 

Aaron stared at him. 

“Please?” Robert asked. “Think that’d you’d see it, wouldn’t ya?” 

Aaron nodded.

Robert bit back the questions that flew to his mind about why and if Aaron met Chas, or his father was — there was a story there, and his curiosity was clawing to get at it, but he wouldn’t push, not when Aaron was being there for him. “Thanks.”

Aaron shrugged. 

He opened his mouth to suggest they maybe take off since it was pretty late and he had to face the house again at some point, but suddenly someone was standing by their table. 

“Aaron Livesy?”

Aaron tensed up and glanced at the man. 

Robert bit the inside of his cheek and looked the man over and told himself he had no right to jealousy. 

“Dingle now but, yeah…” Aaron looked like he was trying to place the guy. 

The man hit his lower left leg, and Robert jolted a bit in surprise when it was apparent he’d hit a prosthetic and not flesh. “John, from the support group, how is Jackson getting on?”

Aaron’s body went rigid, and eyes went wet, and he shook his head a bit. “He uh…” his voice seemed to break into nothing. 

“Passed away,” Robert heard himself say because he knew, it was all he knew, but it was enough for the moment. ‘Couple of years back.”

“Aww, man Aaron, I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“Know,” Aaron managed to bite out. “Yeah, so…”

“What happened?” John persisted.

Robert glared at him, Aaron was trying to fade away into nothing in his seat and wasn’t looking anyone in the eye. His eyes looked full of tears, and anyone with a half a brain could see he was upset. Anger curled inside of him, and it was familiar and sharp, and he stood up and stepped into John’s body space, making the man step back a step. 

“None of your business, don’t you think? Get out of here,” Robert snapped. 

“I just…”

“The conversation is over.”

John nodded and shot Aaron a guilty look. “I’m sorry,” he muttered and walked away. 

Robert glared after him, but it vanished into nothing when he glanced back at Aaron. He bent over, rubbing at his eyes and looked like he was shaking. Robert moved closer, and his hand gripped Aaron’s shoulder. Aaron startled, and Robert was about to take his hand away, assuming the touch was unwanted when Aaron’s hand fell over his and kept him there. Robert squeezed his shoulder instead and wished he knew what to say. 

“Thanks,” Aaron muttered. 

“Bloke needed a clue,” Robert muttered. “Was nothing.”

Aaron shuddered, and tears spilled out his eyes. 

“Hey,” Robert whispered. 

“I think I’m okay, that it doesn’t stab at me anymore and all it takes is…”

Robert nodded.

“And it’s…” Aaron chewed on his bottom lip. “It’s my fault.”

“What? How?”

“Helped him didn’t I?” Aaron looked at him. 

“What?”

Aaron sighed. “Forget it.”

“Aaron?”

Aaron shot to his feet, knocking Robert’s hand off him and pushed past him. “Let’s go, alright?”

Robert was left standing, Aaron shot off so fast, and he shook his head. He wanted to push and press but he wouldn’t. It was a hard impulse to curb though, and it meant he stayed silent to afraid to risk speaking. He would ask questions otherwise, and he knew Aaron wasn’t going to answer them — maybe it was growth, he wasn’t going to be a hypocrite. After all, he’d given Aaron no hints toward his foul mood. 

He found Aaron on the street waiting to flag them down a taxi and just fell into place next to him. They stood there in silence for a good few minutes, Aaron sniffling now and again and Robert’s brain was scrambling trying to find a way other than silence to offer support. But nothing came to him, and after a few more minutes they were sitting in the back of a car, carrying on the supportive silence…

Robert hoped it was enough.  
~~~

Aaron bent over and wiped some dirt off Jackson’s name, the gravestone rougher than he expected under his fingers. He shook his head and wondered why he was even here — there was no more to say. All things between them were done and over. Aaron thought he’d let go of the guilt — it wasn’t a lie. The urge to hurt himself wasn’t minimal, it wasn’t the only thought in his head, and he wasn’t fighting to ignore it. It was there, and he wouldn’t say bearable because it hurt, but he could stand it. He wasn’t shattered anymore, he’d glued together a lot of the pieces. 

And it wasn’t all about Jackson, anyway — it never had been. 

He sighed and stared at Jackson’s name and wished he had something to say, or some prayer to think, but the truth was all he had was grief and the knowledge it would never fully fade. It stuck with you, like scars — always a piece of you. 

“I never did place the guy,” Aaron muttered out loud. “He remembered us, but I don’t remember him. We didn’t go to support group much, though did we… you didn’t like it. He ruined my night, and I have no clue who he was…” Aaron laughed. “Robert…I thought he might punch him.”

Aaron paused. 

“You’d hate him, Robert… too fussy and uptight. You’d think to look at him he’d never held a hammer or something like that, but he must’ve growing up on a farm. He was right… perfect last night.” 

Aaron shook his head at himself. 

“I know, I know he’s straight… and, this is awful to say to you, but… no one’s ever gotten under my skin like him. I don’t know how to push it away. I don’t even think I want too… wondered if I’ve really tried. It’s fucked up, messed up — but that’s me ain’t it Jackson?” 

He laughed bitterly. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I miss ya, talking with ya, you could always get me out of my own way…couldn’t ya? What would you say now?”

Aaron closed his eyes and heard nothing but the wind. He sniffled and put down the flowers he was holding by the gravestone and read Jackson’s name one more time. Idly wondered where the world Hazel might be and who she might be driving crazy. He missed her, and he didn’t — he couldn’t look at her, and he figured she couldn’t look at him. There were some things you couldn’t move on from without space and distance. It just was. 

“Bye,” he muttered as he turned around and left the cemetery. 

~~~

“Morning,” Vic said, walking into the kitchen.

Robert looked up from the paper he was reading. 

“Did you sleep?” she asked. “I couldn’t sleep, kept rereading it… got it all spotty with tears. But… it was nice too, you know, one last piece of him.”

He closed his eyes. 

“It’s not made things easier, but… feel a bit closer to like I’ve gotten to say goodbye, you know?” Vic sat down across with him a muffin in her hand. “Rob?”

“I haven’t read mine.”

“What? Why?”

“Why would I?” Robert asked. 

“Because it’s a letter from Dad, Rob. He’s saying goodbye.”

“He said goodbye to me a decade ago…” Robert muttered.

“Rob… don’t, please? You should read it, and you’ll see, I promise. You’ll see what I said, he was thinking about ya, he missed ya.”

He shook his head. “Mum has it, I don’t want it… I can’t Vic, so stop, alright?” 

“No…” Vic started. 

“Victoria, it’s your brother’s choice, alright. It’s not about us,” Sarah said as she walked in holding Seb. “It’s personal for all of us.”

Vic nodded.

Robert smiled at his mother in gratitude. 

“Fine,” Vic said. “I’m supposed to meet Adam and Aaron, something about the portacabin…” 

“It’s arriving today…” Robert muttered and swore, it felt longer than that since Aaron told him. Too much had happened. “I might stop by later and check it out.”

“Yeah, cause those are so exciting.”

“It’s the start of their business, Vic,” Robert said. “It is a big deal.”

She smiled. “You only care cause Adam’s half of the income is mine too after marriage, don’t think I don’t get your ulterior motives, Robert Jacob Sugden.”

He rolled his eyes. 

“I’m off,” she said, hopping up and kissing Seb on the top of his head before she disappeared. 

Sarah warmed up Seb’s bottle and sat down to feed him, but her eyes were on him. “Did you get your head clearer.”

“Mum, I thought…”

“I’m not going to push about the letter, I just want to know you’re alright.”

“Yeah, I went out for a late drink with Aaron.”

Sarah smiled. “I think he’s good for you.”

Robert felt that slide down his spine and tried to push away how much he liked the thought, but it terrified him too, and he didn’t know where to go with it. “It was just a drink.”

“Did he have any advice?” Sarah asked. 

He eyed her. 

“I’m just wondering.”

“We didn’t talk about it.”

“Oh… well, what did you two talk about? The scrapyard?”

“Nothing, really,” Robert shrugged, though worry spiked through him, and not for the first time that morning. Aaron looked shellshocked when they’d parted ways last night. The man asking about his late boyfriend, really gotten under his skin and Robert couldn’t help but worry. 

“Robert?”

“What can you tell me about Jackson?” he asked her.


	16. Chapter 16

"What can you tell me about Jackson?" Robert asked.

Sarah frowned. 

"Mum?" Robert pressed.

Sarah shifted Sebastian in her arms and focused on his bottle, for a moment. But kept her eyes on her son. He looked upset, really, to a startling degree and it was about Aaron Liv -- no, Aaron Dingle. She frowned and realized it wasn't the first time Robert asked her about Jackson. And she purposely told him very little, because it wasn't really her business at all. It was no one's but... 

"Mum, please?" Robert's voice was wheedling, verging on going full charming if needed. He had that look in his eyes he got when he wanted something and wasn't about to let it slip through his fingers. 

"Why?" She asked, meeting his eyes fully. 

"Cause..." He mumbled. 

"Robert?"

"There was this guy... He knew them, Aaron and Jackson. Apparently, didn't know Jackson was dead..."

"Oh," she gasped out, concern for Aaron filling her up. "Oh, poor Aaron." 

"Yeah, well, I told him to back off, he wouldn't let up, and Aaron wasn't...." Robert shook his head. "He just sank into himself, Mum."

Sarah stared at her son, stunned by the level of worry in his eyes and in his voice -- it nearly sounded like he was worried about his son, her or Vic. She blinked at him.

"What?"

"I just..." She smiled. "It's nice to see you caring about someone outside of the family."

Robert looked at her blankly, or at least he was trying too -- she knew her son. He was faking it, putting on a poker face most people would fall for. But she saw the spike of fear in his eyes, and she watched him try to shut off the concern that was ebbing off of him as he looked away from her. 

"I just... What is it, I don't know?" He mumbled, unable to stop himself from pushing for the information. 

"Oh, Robert..." She sighed. "It's...well...take Seb," she said, standing up. 

He followed suit, and soon, he was the one holding his son and the bottle. Sarah made sure they were settled before she walked into the living room to find one of Jack's old scrapbooks. He insisted on always tracking the news of the village, every little bit of it -- good, bad, comedic and tragic. She found the book she needed and flipped through the pages, waiting to find the first entry of articles they needed. 

"Mum?"

"Here," she said and made a motion with her hands that should switch off. 

Robert settled Seb in her arms and booped his son's nose before he took the scrapbook. Sarah felt something warm settle through her at the sight of her son with his own child. It reminded her of herself back when she met Jack and Robert -- never thought she'd be a parent until the blonde little angel wrapped her around his wicked little fingers. He was both. Angelic and wicked. And hers, always hers. 

"What's this..."

"The article about the train crash," she said, and she sat down on the couch, to get a bitter grip on the squirming baby in her arms and to get his bottle back in his mouth. Once that was settled, she watched Robert read, watches his brow furrow more and more as it happened. 

"Paraplegic?" he muttered, and he looked up at her. "Mum?"

"I don't know the details, but well... Aaron blamed himself for the accident, for a long time, too long. It couldn't have been his fault, of course, but he blamed himself for it all the same."

Robert frowned and his eyes fell back onto the article. Sarah watched him reread, watched the deep concern etch into his features, and felt a bit upended by it. It looked like far too much worry and care over a mate he'd just made a minute ago... It looked? She stared at her son. 

"This isn't..." He shook his head. "How did he die?"

Sarah sighed.

"Stop sighing and tell me."

"Flip the pages, it's near the end of that book," she said. 

Robert crashed himself down into Jack's old recliner and started furiously flipping through the pages. Untl he stoppped short, his eyes went wide and his face blanched. She shook her head remembereding the sordid headline, how sensationalized the local paper and media made the whole thing. She supposed it wasn't often a boyfriend and mother helped someone kill themselves... But she wished it'd all been handled with more care. 

Maybe Aaron wouldn't have gone so off the rails. 

"Shit...." Robert murmured as he read. 

"It didn't deal with it well... And there was a court case, the father blamed Aaron... But it was what Jackson wanted, it was quite clear, and he was cleared of any wrong doing legally. If he ever cleared himself, though, I really don't know... He left Emmerdale, I was suprised to see him back, to be honest. Thought this place might hold too many bad memories."

"It does..." Robert murmured and Sarah knew it was a slip, and she forced herself to bite her tongue and not pounce on it and try to get the real reasons she's lost her son for a decade. It wouldn't work, not when he was focused on Aaron. 

And he was focused on Aaron. Intensely. She watched him flip pages, probably looking for articles about the court case. He looked angry and worried and like his brain was whirring at a million miles per hour -- which was worrisome, to say the least. 

"Robert, this is gossip... This can't tell you the truth and really if Aaron wants you to know..."

Robert slammed the book shut and looked at her. A look in his eyes she didn't recognize at all, but something about it floored her. She stared, curiosity filling her, and she leaned forward. 

"Sweetheart?" she asked. 

"I just... Explains it now," he muttered.

"What?"

"Why he looked so... How he fell right into himself and the anger...." Robert shook his head, and Sarah realized he was talking more to himself than to her. "Shit..."

"I don't know Aaron well, Robert, but I do he's intensely private. I feel guilty having told you, all we know are the facts outsiders can be given on big things... What losing Jackson, with how he did, I don't know what really happened, no one could."

Robert nodded. "Yeah... I just...I was worried."

"I see that," Sarah said and in return she got panicked eyes looking right at her. "Robert?" she couldn't stop the concern.

"Nothing, whatever, forget it," Robert mumbled and averted his gaze. Instead, he got down on his knees, scooched up to the couch and started to play with Sebastian's feet. "I better get started on my day -- our day, huh Little Man?" he said, and he started to pull the baby out of her arms. 

Sarah let him and watched him stand up and turn away. She opened her mouth, but she wasn't certain what she wanted to say. Because she wasn't certain what she just witnessed at all. It felt dramatic, and something had panicked Robert. 

Though it wasn't the first time, she glimpsed that panic from him since he showed up on the doorstep with her perfect grandson on his hip. He was hiding something. There was a secret she didn't know -- it was something important, and she was attempting to be patient. Only because Robert needed it. But patience wasn't her strong suit but... She watched Robert disappear upstairs and thought that she'd just been given clues. Real clues. She was positive about it, she'd been given a glimpse of something...

It was just, she had no idea what it was, and she felt more lost than ever. She frowned and slumped in her seat. She wanted her son back, the whole of him, his sunshine smile and his brilliant mind. She wanted the dorky child she showed comics too and horror movies. He was still in Robert, she was sure of it, but something was keeping all of him hidden. 

~~~

Aaron rolled his eyes at Adam and Paddy as they argue over where the two cheap desks they'd found should go in the portacabin. Aaron didn't much care where they shoved them, really. He was still trying to get his mind around him and Adam owning a business. He looked out the window of it at the pile scrap metal already on the ground outside and the two cars they were being paid to destroy. It was weird to him, and he knew they were starting, but it felt real, and it was unsettling. 

Didn't help he hadn't slept a wink last night. His mind was full of Jackson and Robert. Robert, he groaned inwardly and refused to admit he's eyes moved toward the bit of the road he could see from the window hoping to see the Audi pull up. He said he might show, or he said he would show -- Aaron wasn't sure, but he was expecting him. And he wished he wasn't disappointed he hadn't thus far, it was getting to midday and all. He and Adam really should be destroying the cars -- but they were focused on their office. He guessed. 

"Aaron, Aaron, mate...." Adam was shouting at him.

He turned and saw where the desks had been shoved by Paddy and Adam. He shrugged his approval and looked at the old dented file cabinets they'd found. He saw the right place to put them, so he started to shove it over. It was heavier than he expected, but the weight of it felt good. Something to push against that wasn't unwelcome and unwanted feelings. 

Or painful memories. 

He shoved Jackson out of his mind and breathed in a bit of relief that he could. The time in France had given him that, at least, he didn't feel like the guilt would tear him apart. He'd forgiven himself, maybe not completely, never completely but he knew deep down. He'd done what Jackson wanted, what Jackson needed -- and that was what mattered really. He sighed and looked out the window again because Robert just appeared in his mind again. 

Last night he'd protected Aaron and Aaron couldn't stop thinking about it. How weird it'd been to watch someone do that, someone who barely knew him, someone who didn't have the first clue about what had happened between him and Jackson. But he'd protected Aaron, fiercely, without question and it'd been...

Amazing. It'd made Aaron feel taken care of -- which was strange to him, coming from sone other than his mum or Paddy. Adam had a time or two, but it didn't feel like it had coming from Robert. Robert had looked... Fit as fuck. He sighed and closed his eyes. 

What the hell was he going to about this? He wasn't a crush. He couldn't call this a crush. A crush faded. This was... Getting stronger. Aaron sighed and jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

"Hey, sorry mate..." Adam laughed. "Paddy's leaving."

Aaron looked up at Paddy and saw concern etched on his face. Of course, he was concerned, Aaron kept spacing out. He knew he was spacing out. He felt overwhelmed. But he was alright, he wasn't going to go off the rails. He gave Paddy a smile mean to reassure. "I'm fine," he muttered.

"Are ya?"

"Just....taking it all in."

Paddy beamed at him. "I'm proud of ya, and so is your mum."

"Yeah, yeah," Aaron muttered.

Paddy hugged him. "You two get working, no shirking duties, you got to earn a profit..." Paddy laughed. "Aaron Dingle business professional."

Aaron rolled his eyes.

Paddy grinned and opened the door to portacabin to leave. And the sound of a car engine filled the air. Aaron looked outisde the door, and Robert was driving up, gravel spraying from the back of his tires. 

"Was hoping he didn't mean he'd be stopping by," Adam muttered.

Aaron shrugged and tried to tear his eyes away from Robert. But it impossible, until he heard Paddy honk his horn as he drove away. He looked over at the other car and rolled his eyes as Paddy waved from the window. It made him feel like a kid on his first day of school or something. He didn't like it but then heard Robert's voice.

"This is nice..." He said, walking up the stairs. "Not bad...you sure you want the desks there?"

"Yeah, we're sure," Adam said. "You're a silent partner, remember?"

Robert held up his hands. "Fine, fine, was just going to make a suggestion."

"We're good, I'm going to go get started on the cars...." Adam pulled on his thick work gloves. "Coming soon?" he hinted at Aaron.

"Yeah," Aaron said and watched him leave and realized Robert was considered there for him. Robert was there for him. He looked at Robert and bit the inside of his cheek. 

"You alright?" Robert asked. 

"Just... A lot going through my head."

"You're not still nervous about all this?"

"First day and all, shouldn't I be?"

"Suppose so..." Robert trailed off. "I... I wanted to check you were alright after last night -- but no pressure, I don't want to pry."

There it was again, feeling like Robert was watching out for him and it shouldn't feel right, he shouldn't want that... "I'm fine."

"Good, good..." Robert muttered, and he walked around Aaron, taking the length of the portacabin with long strides. "How about we have a first-day celebratory drink at the pub?"

 _Say no._ Aaron thought. 

Robert turned to face him when he didn't answer. "Aaron?"

"Don't know... Uh, Adam might want too..." Aaron hedged. 

"Oh." Robert's face fell. 

"But...yeah, I mean we'll be at the Woolie most likely so..." Aaron bit his lip and hated himself for taking it back so easily. 

"Right, yeah...but I won't pry, alright, silent partner."

Aaron nodded.

"See ya..." Robert muttered and turned to leave.

Aaron swallowed hard, to keep from trying to keep him there, and watched him leave. He roughly slammed on his own work gloves and put on the hi-vis vest over his jacket and stomped out of the portacabin toward the car Adam started to strip. He let out a sigh of relief at the thought of the hard work, it would quite his mind up, let him stop thinking so much. 

He needed a break from thinking. 

He needed a break from Robert Sugden being practically the only thing in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait


	17. Chapter 17

Wednesdays it'd become a habit to hang out with Paul and Rex, at the bar he met them at, The Raven. It was a small, comfortable place, with comfort food and good beer. Robert fiddled with his phone, they were both running late, Paul sent a text to explain, along with a winking emoji following a suggest Robert spread his wings a little. He breathed a sigh of relief though when a glance around showed him a few couples at tables and no one of interest at the bar at all. Instead, he fiddled with his phone as he waited for his new mates — they were becoming mates of a sort. It was different than with Aaron, he thought because, with Aaron, there was a level of ease. 

One he really couldn't explain, and it was always there, even when things were weird between them. And lately, things had felt weird. He frowned and fiddled with his phone some more, or he told himself it was fiddling. Instead, he pulled up his last text exchange with Aaron and frowned at it. They texted a fair bit, inane conversations, Robert sent him pictures of Seb, or Aaron ranted a bit about the scrapyard — as he found his footing as a business owner. Robert offering guidance. It was all well and good except…

Whenever Robert suggested, they get together for a pint. Aaron had an excuse as to why he couldn't — and it felt more and more like he was being avoided. If they did end up at the Woolie together, it was always with Adam and Vic, or Chas, Paddy, and even his own mother. They were never alone, and Robert couldn't figure it out. 

"What's with the sad face?" 

Robert looked up to see Rex, sitting down in his usual chair, already holding his usual pint and bowl of chips. "Sorry, I'm late and that Paul's later…"

Robert shrugged.

"Every alright?"

"Yeah, yeah…" he muttered. 

"It Seb?"

"No, he's perfect," Robert grinned and brought up his newest picture of him. He was wearing a Teddy Bear onesie. 

Rex smiled. "Ivy, had that I think, or one close to it, let me see…" he started going through his phone. "So, if it's not that why the long face?" 

"Ever felt like you're being ignored?"

"Often when I'm in the doghouse with Paul," Rex laughed. "Ah-ha, not quite the same but here she is…'

Robert grinned at the cute picture of Ivy in her own teddy bear onesie and kept his opinion that Seb was far cuter to himself. "Just, a mate, feel like he's avoiding me."

"Talk to him about it?"

"Hard to do when I can't get alone," Robert shook his head. "It's nothing, really."

"If it's bothering you not nothing…." Rex studied him. “You _like_ him?”

"What, no, no…" he shook his head. "No, no… he's off-limits, anyway."

"Straight?"

Robert made a vague sound that could be taken as agreement, the lie easy to do because the last thing he needed was Rex and Paul pushing him to tell Aaron the truth. Aaron was off-limits, he was a mate and far too important to muddy anything with — especially when he still felt gun shy about his sexuality, it just wouldn't do.

"I had this thing for a straight friend once, felt like torture… it that?" 

"No," Robert scoffed, for effect. 

"Good, good…" Rex studied him. "You do need to get out there more."

He sighed. 

"Look, we just want to help, Rob," Rex said. 

"I know…I just…" he sighed. "I just don't know how."

"Well… what about letting me and Paul, set you up?"

Robert blanched. 

"No, we're serious about this, we've been talking. We knew a few people, we think you might hit it off with."

"Yeah?" he sighed, but he looked around the bar. Thought about how impossible walking up to a stranger felt, here and other places he'd made himself go — where he always ended up drinking alone. He nodded slowly. "Yeah, you know, why not?"

 

~~~

Aaron yawned as he stood in line at some random shop in Hotten. He tried to make the full scrap run from Liverpool and back the village with no stops but his brain and body noped out on him, despite that he was almost home. He hated scrap runs he was learning, the romance disappeared pretty quickly when you spent most of the boring drive stuck in traffic. It didn't help he was running on barely any sleep, he just couldn't seem to sleep well — at all. 

He heard his phone buzz in his pocket as he stepped forward a bit in the queue and tried to balance this soda and junk food, so he could pull out his phone, but instead, it tumbled to the floor. He sighed and bent to pick it up, to find someone else bent down to help. They stood at the same time, the man holding out a can of soda and Aaron found himself laughing. 

"Paul?"

"Aaron?"

Aaron snorted and took the can. "Thanks."

"I didn't know you were back? How's Ed?"

Aaron winced. "Uh…"

"Oh, no, don't tell me you two…"

"Yeah," Aaron shrugged. 

"He still in France then?"

"Far as I know," Aaron sighed and looked away. 

"Didn't end well?"

"My fault, really," Aaron admitted.

"Hey, it happens… not everyone finds that one, you know…" but Paul was grinning.

"So, you and Rex, still?"

"Yeah, yeah, Ivy's almost four."

"Shit…" Aaron's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah, yeah, and we have a little boy… I'd love to really catch up, but Rex and a friend are waiting on me, right now."

"Oh, yeah…" Aaron shrugged.

"But…" Paul nodded to himself and pulled out his phone. "Give me your number, and we can have you over for dinner, yeah?"

"Uh…" Aaron found himself nodding, though he wasn't totally sure he'd take them up on it. He'd met them through Ed after all, but he'd always liked them. They drank beer, talked cars and weren't pretentious at all. It wasn't like he had to act a certain way around them — and might do him good to have people other than Adam and Robert around. Because Adam could get on his nerves, and there were things they just couldn't really talk about. And Robert… 

Robert was an issue he was trying to deal with but was sure he was failing. He looked at Paul again and remembered how down to earth he and Rex were and found himself nodding. It'd be good to have other mates.   
"Sure."

"Alright then," Paul said after the exchange. "I'll give you a call."

"Yeah…" Aaron said, and he looked down at his phone. He frowned when he saw the messages were only from Adam and his mum, which meant Robert wasn't going to try to talk him into that pint — like he'd been doing, for over a week now. Aaron frowned and told himself it was a good thing, it was what he wanted. He just needed more distance from Robert, to get his head cleared of him and excise him out from under his skin. Just a bit more time and it'd all be fine, and he wouldn't feel so out of sorts. 

Maybe he'd start sleeping better at night. 

~~~

Robert groaned as his car stuttered to a stop at a lay by a few miles from the village. He frowned and tapped the glass, but the gages all stayed as they were — he had petrol in the tank. He tried restarting the car, but nothing happened, though were some noises that meant nothing to him. He'd once worked as a mechanic, but nothing that was happening now was ringing any bells for him. 

He slumped down in his seat and groaned. He pulled out his phone and flipped through his contacts. Did he have Cain Dingle's number? Or the garage? Nope. He flipped up the contact list and landed on Aaron's number. He bit his lip and wondered if he should bother. The way he'd been acting lately, he'd probably say no…

But he wouldn't, would he?

No, he should call his mum and ask for Cain's number. Or Debbie's… though he cringed thinking about her — and decided that them pretending they had no past and being politely friendly was really the best way to stay. But that went right back to taking away his options of what to do right now. 

He pressed the call button on Aaron's number. 

"Yeah?" Aaron's voice was a bark. 

"Lovely way to answer the phone."

"What?" Aaron muttered. 

"I uh… the Audi stalled out on me, I'm stuck on some lay by…"

"Oh, where?" Aaron's voice went softer. 

"Um…that lay by, by Tricket road?"

"Alright, I'll come get ya… I'm all the way up at Holey Scrap, gotta get the tow truck from Cain, be a bit though…"

"I'll be fine."

"Alright…" Aaron hung up. 

Robert slumped more into his seat and fiddled with his phone. That conversation could have gone better, it felt like they were strangers or something. Though he'd never called Aaron before, maybe he was just bad at phone calls — it was Aaron, conversation wasn't really his forte. Not that it'd ever been an issue for them, or bothered Robert that he was more quiet than talkative. It was just they hadn't really talked in a while, and it was bothering him. More and more. 

He liked having Aaron as a mate. He'd enjoyed his friendships with Paul and Rex, but that wasn't the same, not really. Even if they knew something about him, no one else did — yet. Aaron knew him, really knew him, in such a sort time. Maybe he didn't Robert's big secret, but there was an ease between them, they connected in a way Robert never really had to anyone before. It was why Aaron felt important and why he had to ignore his attraction to him. 

It was why they needed to deal with whatever was going on — he needed to figure out why Aaron was avoiding him. Maybe his car breaking down was a blessing. 

~~~

Aaron wiped his palms against his jeans before he opened the door to Cain's truck. His was staring right at Robert through the windshield. He'd gotten out of the car as Aaron drove up. All long legs and tousled blonde hair in the wind, and it made Aaron feel like he hadn't seen him in weeks. And that wasn't true, he'd seen him last night for about an hour, him, Vic and Adam at a booth at the Woolie, but he'd focused on Adam and chatting about the scrapyard. Done his best not to stare at Robert — he'd probably failed. Like he was now, he sighed and wiped his palms again and hopped out of the truck. 

"What's wrong with it?" he asked, deciding to focus on the reason he was helping Robert out. He couldn't very well leave him stranded after all, and his uncle hated him — like too many people in the village for Aaron's liking, so he hadn't even thought to send Cain in his stead. 

"I don't know, would've had a look at it myself if I did — I'm not out of petrol."

"I'll look before we hook it up, might be able to fix it."

"Yeah, alright…" Robert shrugged. "Left the keys in the ignition."

Aaron nodded and walked past him brusquely. He heard Robert let out a sigh, but he ignored it and his guilt… He knew his actions were probably confusing Robert, but he didn't know what else to do… 

So, he focused on the moment. He sat down in the car and tried to start it and made a face as the car struggled to get going. He looked at the gages and tried again and sighed. He opened the boot and walked around the back of the car to check the engine. But he felt Robert moving with him, this large presence to his left as he looked down in the engine and checked the connections. He felt eyes on him, and this unspoken want to speak…

It made his skin itch. 

"Aaron," Robert's voice was soft. 

Aaron closed his eyes. 

"Did I do something?"

"Nah, don't think it's your fault the car's stalled…" 

"That's not…"

Aaron closed the boot. 

"Aaron?"

"No, alright, you didn't…" Aaron snapped and looked at him and wished he hadn't. Robert was staring at him looking confused and lost, and it hurt Aaron, he realized, and he knew he caused it. 

"Then why have you been ignoring seeing me?"

Aaron sighed.

"Aaron?"

His name sounded too good in his mouth. But he couldn't tell him that he couldn't tell Robert he was attracted to him and it was driving him mad because Robert was off-limits and not even a possibility. He couldn't tell him that cause it might end their friendship, and being Robert's mate was something he liked. A lot — and maybe over time, the attraction would fade into something controllable. It really had to, he thought, there was just no choice. 

"Will you talk to me," Robert snapped. 

"I'm sorry," Aaron muttered.

"For what?"

"I don't know," Aaron snapped. 

Robert scoffed at him. 

"It's been the scrapyard," he lied. 

"Everything is going well, innit?"

"Yeah, yeah, but it's all new, and it's a lot of work, and not been sleeping great…" he trailed off because the scrapyard wasn't why he wasn't sleeping.

"Alright… I mean, I can help out more if…"

"No, no….Ads wouldn't like it."

Robert snorted and laughed. "Yeah, our mutual dislike is how we like it."

Aaron couldn't help smiling. 

"I just… I miss ya, and I think… I think Seb misses ya, too."

"He does?"

"I think so…" Robert muttered. "I mean, he likes you, you know."

Aaron nodded. 

"So… pint, when we get back to the village?"

"Yeah, yeah," Aaron nodded. 

Robert smiled.

He felt blinded by it, and inwardly sighed. "So, where were you?" he heard himself ask.

"Meet up with some mates in Hotten every Wednesday."

"You have mates?" Aaron cracked. 

"Yeah, not just the one like you," Robert cracked back.

"Ads is pretty high maintenance." 

Robert snorted. 

"These mates, they from when you lived here before?"

"No, nah… I met them about a month ago."

"So, not from London either?"

"No, no… don't think anyone I knew in London counted," Robert muttered his face falling.

Aaron frowned. 

Robert shrugged it off and grinned at him. "But, you know, I do like them, they've been good to me, helpful…"

Aaron felt a rush of guilt about shoving Robert away. 

"And, well, there's…" Robert trailed off.

"What?"

"You," he said. 

"Shit," Aaron cursed and shook his head. "Don't.."

"What?"

"Been pushing you away."

"Oh, I thought we were gonna pretend that wasn't what was happening?"

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Robert laughed. "Why?"

Aaron shrugged. "Dumb reason…but I'm sorry."

"Hey, nah, things happen, right?"

Aaron nodded. "Ran into an old friend myself today, knew him through Ed but got along, even agreed to catch up with him and husband."

"Good, good…" Robert said. 

"Rather just get a pint though," Aaron muttered looking at Robert.

Robert nodded and met his eyes. 

Aaron hoped he wasn't blushing. "Alright, let's get this car towed, so Cain and figure out the issue."

"Yeah, he better be able too, I need this car."


	18. Chapter 18

On his runs, Aaron looped around the whole of Main street and nearly out of the village, and back again. He liked the sound of his feet on the ground and the rush of air in his face. When he ran, his head was empty of thoughts, and it was just his heartbeat, his breath, and a carefully chosen playlist of music. He barely saw his surroundings when he ran — as all the people he'd run into could attest, though he did miss them more than he didn't. So, it threw him when he caught sight of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye and stumbled to a stop, his body double-taking before his brain caught up…

To the fact it was Robert. Aaron hung in suspension for a brief moment, part of him wanting to run on, not break his pace, and the rest of him curious and distracted by the other man's presence. Robert was clueless that Aaron was there because his back was turned to him. It was just where Robert was standing was odd, and Aaron couldn't help his smile at the fact Seb was strapped to his chest, kicking his little feet and laughing. Aaron knew Robert was talking to him in low tones, he'd seen Robert do it enough — in fact, he wasn't sure how aware Robert even was of the habit. 

Aaron sighed and looked ahead at his path and back toward Robert and stopped pretending he wasn't going to talk to him. He pulled his earbuds out of his ears and walked toward Robert. As he approached, his feet crunched on some loose rocks on the road, and Robert glanced toward him. Aaron smiled as a way to say hello, Robert smiled back, and Seb made some sort of BAH noise that Aaron took as a hello. 

As he stepped closer, he booped Seb on the nose and looked around their location. "Just why are you staring at a burnt out building?" 

"It's up for sale," Robert said with a furrow between his brows. 

"Is it?" Aaron asked and looked at The Mill. It'd been a husk of its former self for ages now and become just sort of village character and background. He hadn't thought about it in ages, despite passing it every day. 

"Yeah," Robert nodded and stared at it. 

"You thinking of buying it?"

"Yeah…" Robert said, but he frowned. "Mum won't like it." 

Aaron nodded, thinking about the hell his mum would raise if he wanted to move out. He had nowhere to go, though. His mother could sleep well — he wished he could afford something else, but there wasn't really anywhere else to go. 

"Could set up two places, you know…" Robert said. 

"Guess so…"

"I just…" Robert sighed. "I hate the house… Mum wouldn't understand."

Aaron looked at the building and back at Robert. "You'll still be in the village."

"Yeah... And have my own space," he nodded. 

"Take it you can afford it easy?"

"Yeah…" Robert laughed. "Already talked to someone, all I have to do is give a final go ahead."

"What are you waiting for?"

"Guilt," Robert sighed. "I don't know how to tell her."

Aaron shrugged. "Sarah seems like a reasonable person."

Robert snorted. "Yeah, she's reasonable, but she's always going on about how great it is to have me back and to have Seb around…"

"She still will."

"I want to think she'd be happy to not have a baby waking her up three times a night… but she always seems so happy whenever I find her in his room. She gets there before me half the time." 

"Or you don't want to give up the free childcare?"

Robert snorted. 

"I don't know what to tell ya. Though, if I could move out, I would." 

"Could soon enough, will have the money for it?"

"Where though, not a lot of vacancies around here."

Robert looked back. "Well, I'll have an extra flat if I do this…" 

Aaron laughed.

"I'm serious, first chance, Aaron."

Aaron looked away from him and shook his head. "Shouldn't you offer that to Adam and Vic?"

"Yeah, well, I like you more," Robert laughed. 

"Yeah, right."

"Getting away from my sister and Adam is one of the pros on my list for doing this…" Robert sighed. "I don't need to know about my sister's love life, you know?"

"Yeah, guess not."

"And Katie and Andy just walked right in, all the time and …" Robert sighed. "I want to do this more than I don't… Just don't know how to tell mum." 

"Straight out of with it?"

"Guess so…" Robert looked over at him, and Aaron felt his gaze, and he looked away. "Were you running?"

"Uh, yeah… my route takes me right by here."

"You needn't have stopped?"

"Well, you got me curious, not often you find a man with a baby staring at a building."

Robert snorted. "He likes it, don't you, Seb?" 

"BAH," Seb said again and kicked his legs. 

Aaron grabbed his foot and smiled at him. 

"BAH."

"Pretty sure his first word might be sheep...." Robert laughed. 

"Be bloody brilliant, though, won't he?" Aaron said. 

"Of course, he's mine, innit he?" 

"Coffee?" Aaron asked and cocked his head toward the cafe. 

"Don't you want to finish your run?"

"Nah, I'll just run a bit longer tomorrow."

Robert smiled at him and nodded. "Yeah, all right, let me just…" he pulled out his phone. 

"Sure," Aaron said. 

Robert turned and walked away a few paces but not out of earshot. "Yeah, John, go ahead and give them my offer for the Mill. Yeah, thank you."

Aaron smiled when he turned back to him. Robert nodded, but his brow furrowed. "Now, I just got to find a way to tell mum."

"She'll come around to it," Aaron said.

"Hope so," Robert muttered and started to walk away, though Aaron noticed he was heading for his parked car and not the cafe. He fell into step with him, realizing quickly, Seb's bag of stuff was probably in the car. As they got up to it, he could see it all behind the driver's seat, and he patted the roof of the car.

"Cain fixed her up?"

"Yeah, even gave me a discount on parts…" Robert said.

"What?" 

"Yeah, said it was for helping you and Adam out."

"Really?" Aaron felt surprised.

"Yeah, shocked me too… rumors must be right, Moira's softened him up."

"Not by much," Aaron said. 

"Still, whatever, I took it," Robert laughed as he picked up the bag and started toward the cafe. Aaron fell into step behind him and tried not to look at him, tried to simply be with him as his mate. It was easier when they were talking, he could focus on his words and keeping up the conversation. But when they fell into spells of quiet, Aaron couldn't help but look at him. And it was like he got fitter and fitter… which seemed impossible to him. He wished he knew how to turn an attraction off — he used to think a guy being straight was all it took, but that'd turned out to be a lie. 

Aaron was so busy trying not to look at him, he walked right into Robert when he stopped to hold the door the cafe open for him. Aaron cringed as Seb started to cry from the jolt. "Sorry."

"It happens," Robert muttered, and he swung toward Aaron. "Take him out, he won't settle in there."

Aaron nodded and pulled Seb out and into his arms and blinked when he immediately fell quiet. He bounced him a bit and muttered he was sorry to him. When he looked up, Robert had the oddest expression on his face, his eyes seemed unbelievably green, and Aaron couldn't look away — but he felt confused. "What?"

"Nothing, just… he likes you."

"I like him," Aaron said and turned away from Robert, it felt too intense and odd, and he felt like if they stayed in that second, they might have to talk about something. And whatever that something was, Aaron wasn't sure he could… 

So he walked away from it and inside the cafe. 

~~~

Robert swallowed as he watched Aaron and his son disappear into the cafe. There was no reason at all to be attracted to Aaron, he was sweaty, and his hair was a mess. And holding a baby wasn't something a person should be attracted too…

Only it was his son, in the arms of someone his son liked, who happened to be a person he liked. A lot. More and more, as the days went on, and Robert felt this prickling under his skin every time he was reminded he was attracted to Aaron Dingle. And he didn't want to be, because every time he was reminded of the attraction, he was reminded how important he found Aaron's presence in his life. And he didn't want to change it, he didn't want risk anything… 

He was a coward. 

He sighed and looked across the street at the bookstore… He should tell her right away but knew he would put it off, probably until he had the contract signed. Where there could be no backing out, no take backs, where he wouldn't let his mum guilt him with her soft brown eyes. He was a coward, he would always take the easy out and never really told anyone anything important. 

He stepped in behind Aaron and tried to push it all out of his head. But the universe was mocking him because his phone rang and he looked down and saw it was Paul calling….

And he'd been putting off the call for three days out of fear and inability to commit. Suddenly, it felt like too much. He felt too small and frightened, and he watched Aaron bounce Seb on his leg, his all focus falling onto his son. His perfect son with an entire life ahead of him…

And Robert never wanted him to feel small and scared. 

"Aaron, order for me… I've got to?"

Aaron nodded. 

Robert dropped Seb's baby bag on the couch next to Aaron and walked back outside and picked up the call just before it was about to go to his voicemail. "Hi, ya…"

"Rob…" Paul laughed. "Really thought I'd be leaving yet another message."

"Uh, yeah… sorry about that."

"I get it, you're dragging your feet… I swear Chris doesn't bite."

"That's his name?"

"Yeah… look, he's bisexual too. We thought that might be a good start point? We've told him you're still feeling things out…"

"What is he like training wheels date? That's not pathetic…" Robert sighed. 

"It's not pathetic… just, we're not trying to throw into the deep end here, Robert."

"No, no…. I… you've been great, Paul, I mean it. I don't think I'd be close to considering this without your support…."

"So, you will?"

"Yeah, alright, yeah, I'll meet him."

"Great, great. I'll give him your number, you two can come to the arrangements."

Robert felt shaky. "Alright yeah."

"We won't be angry if you back out… but you've gotta start sometime."

"You're right, you are…" Robert nodded. 

"Alright, see you on Wednesday."

"Yeah… Thanks," Robert said before ending the call, wondering if that was really the right word. He took a few deep breaths and told himself he was making the right decision. He needed to be braver, and he needed to stop running from who he really was… 

He wished it didn't feel like being thrown into the deep end of the ocean. 

One more breathe and he walked into the cafe, and Seb immediately tried to fling himself out of Aaron's grasp at the sight of him. Robert couldn't help but smile at it, at his son, or at the man who rolled with it and swooped Seb in the air like he could fly — and Seb immediately loving it and forgetting Robert was even there. 

It was a perfect moment, he thought.


	19. Chapter 19

Sarah hopped into her shoes as soon as she got to the bottom of the stairs, cursing herself for running late. It was a Friday, and she had a string of regulars who were probably loitering outside of her bookshop. She rushed into the kitchen to grab the lunch she'd made herself, realizing she would have to get some sort of snack at the cafe since she had no time for breakfast. But she ended up teetering on her heels in the doorway of the kitchen as she spotted Robert sitting at the kitchen table staring at his phone with a pained expression. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of it. 

"What's wrong?" flew out of her throat, and she was by the table in a flash. 

Robert whipped his phone onto his lap and stared up at her with big eyes, now looking like he'd gotten caught doing something wrong, and now she was confused. 

"Robert?"

"What, what are you doing home?"

"I stayed up too late reading… What've you done?" 

"Nothing."

"You're lying."

"Am not…" his mouth twitched. It was a minuscule movement, so tiny that Sarah knew all his life people never noticed it. But she did, she knew her son, she knew his face, and it's every twitch. "Robert Jacob Sugden."

"Really," he said, his voice going up in pitch. "I haven't."

She stared him down, and he mouth twitched again. 

"Mum…" he tried to stand up.

She put a hand on his shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

"It's nothing," he said, but she shook her head as she saw panic rise up behind his eyes. She reached out and grabbed his phone, just snatched out of his hands, turned around, and looked at the screen. 

"MUM!" he sounded afraid. 

But she stared at the screen in complete confusion. "You've made a date with someone…named Chris?" she turned and looked at him. 

He looked panicked. 

Sarah sighed. "Robert, who is she, and what is the problem? She isn't someone Andy's dated, is she? I really hoped you'd outgrown that…"

"Uh… no, no, it's not about Andy," he snapped and grabbed his phone. 

"Well, then why are you looking like someone died."

"I wasn't…"

"You were, I thought something awful had happened. And then you looked all guilty… it's a date, isn't that a good thing?" 

Robert stared at her. 

"Robert?" she sighed. "What is this? You look terrified." 

"Mum…." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It's just that, Chris…"

"Have you not told her about Seb?"

"No, I mean, I didn't… I don't know if they told…"

"They?"

"A friend set us up… I'm not even sure about going, at all, it's…"

"So, this is about Seb."

"Everything is about Seb," Robert muttered before he sat down again and bent his head down, and Sarah stared at him. He looked far to dejected to her liking. 

"So, she could know about him, and it's a blind date… and you're freaking out about it."

"Yeah."

"I don't understand."

Robert groaned. 

"Sweetheart," Sarah grabbed a chair and sat down, then she took his hands. Pulling them away from his face and looking right at him. "I think it's a good thing you want to date, you shouldn't hole yourself up in the house all the time with your only company being a baby." 

"He's not my only company."

"I do not count, and neither does Aaron Dingle… though, I'm thrilled you've found such a good mate. I think Adam's jealous…." She laughed. "But you need more in life, and a relationship could be a good thing. What does Aaron think?"

"Aaron?"

"About the date, you have told him?"

"No…" Robert stared at her, weirdly. "I wasn't going to tell anyone."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated…" his mouth twitched. 

"Robert."

"Mum… it just is."

"Being a father doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold… You know your father did that, and he wasn't happy until he stopped."

Robert's face twisted, and she sighed as he got his 'sad Jack face' as she thought about it, and she wanted to kick herself for thinking bring up Jack might help. It worked on Andy and Victoria. It never worked on Robert, even when his father was alive and they weren't at each other's throats all the time…

"I'm sorry," she sighed. 

"Dad's best decision was dating you… this, Chris, isn't going to be that for me," Robert muttered.

"You never know," she smiled. "She could surprise you."

Robert looked away. 

Sarah sighed. 

Robert squeezed her hands and smiled at her, and she smiled back because it was genuine, but she couldn't help but notice it wasn't reaching his eyes. She squeezed his hands back and shook her head. 

"Alright, how about you talk out what is worrying you to Aaron."

"I can't…" Robert muttered.

"Why?"

"I just…. Can't."

"There must be someone."

"No…" Robert sighed. "I should cancel."

"You should do no such thing. You need to go out on this date and realize it won't be half as scary as you're making it out to be in your head."

"I…"

"No. Fine, don't tell me, hold it all in and whatever. But you decided to make the date for a reason, and you're going to follow through Robert Jacob Sugden. You are going out on that blind date with that…what was her name?"

"Chris."

"Yes, go out with Chris and realize that a simple date can't be that scary. Even for an unexpectant father… maybe you can start to figure a few things out and not be so lost, Robert." 

"I'm figuring things out."

"Well, keep figuring it out," Sarah sighed. "Now, I am unprofessionally late at getting the store open." She kissed his forehead. "No back out of that date, you here me…" she said, as she got up and got her lunch and turned around. "Robert?" she said, looking back.

"I'll go on the date," he said. 

"And breathe honey…" she shook her head. "I love you, bye." 

"Love you, bye," Robert called after her. 

~~~

"Aaron!" 

Aaron looked up from the car engine he was meant to tune up and watched as Sarah Sugden came toward him. He smiled at her but felt confused as to what in the world she might want. "Something wrong with your car?"

"No, no, since Robert tuned it up, it's been running a dream…But well…" she sighed and looked around. "I shouldn't be doing this, but… I think he might need more of a push."

"Who needs a push?" Aaron asked. 

"Robert."

"What he do now?" Aaron laughed. 

Sarah smiled. "I'm not sure, but he did look guilty, but he won't talk about why? It was a very confusing conversation, which often happens with him. He keeps too many secrets…" she sighed. "Anyway. He's made a date with someone for tonight. Friends set them up, I think, and I can tell he's seconds from back out. And really, he deserves a life, he's been doing nothing but doting on Seb and driving me a bit crazy with bookstore business. I think he needs to get out there despite whatever it is holding him back."

"Okay…" Aaron muttered, suddenly wanting to walk away from the conversation. He felt like his insides were sinking at the thought of Robert dating — and it was ridiculous and stupid. Of course, he would date, he should date, he's fit and young, and it shouldn't make Aaron want to rip the hair off whoever the woman was…

He didn't even have a face or hair color to picture. 

"Aaron?" Sarah was staring at him now with an odd tilt to her face.

"Sorry, uh… I don't know, he hasn't mentioned it, and I shouldn't butt my nose in."

"I know I'm overstepping — Mum's prerogative."

"I know it well," Aaron muttered.

"Please, just nudge him. I just, he wouldn't talk, but I have this feeling, I can't shake it, that if he doesn't go on this date, he's going to hide himself away instead of trying to find what he needs. He's so… I just worry."

Aaron sighed. 

"You will," Sarah smiled. 

"I dunno, but I mean if I see an opening…" 

"You're a good boy, Aaron," Sarah smiled. 

Aaron shook his head. 

Sarah smiled and left. 

Aaron let out a long sigh. 

~~~

"No Seb?" 

Robert looked up from the pint he was drinking to see Aaron slip into the chair across from him, his own pint in hand. "Vic's watching him…"

"Why's that?" Aaron asked in a weird tone.

"You're being weird," Robert said as he took in Aaron's appearance. His cheeks seemed pink, and he wasn't quite looking Robert in the eye… Aaron wasn't big on eye contact he'd noticed, but they tended to make it. But now, those blue eyes he liked too much were avoiding him. "Aaron?"

"Alright, you're mum cornered me."

"What?" Robert sighed. "She what?"

"She really wants you to go on that blind date… I mean, that is why you're all…" Aaron waved his hands around, indicating Robert's state of dress. 

"Uh…" Robert suddenly felt overdressed in his fancy white dress shirt and black jeans. "I uh…" he groaned and wasn't sure if he wanted to just die or find his mother first and murder her. 

"And well, you look about ready to bottle it… so I realized I had to try to do what she asked…" Aaron sighed. 

"You what?" 

"You are bottling it?" Aaron asked. 

"Yeah… she asked you to what?"

"Make sure you don't bottle it."

Robert groaned and slumped in his seat.

"I mean…do you what you want, but I don't know… your reputation implies you aren't bad at the whole dating thing."

"Not sure my reputation is really something I should live up too…" Robert muttered.

Aaron laughed, and their eyes met. 

Robert smiled. 

"She seemed to think if you didn't go on this date, you'd I don't know, stay in a rut or something. She had some mother's intuition…"

Robert sighed. 

Aaron looked more thoughtful. "What is it? Is it about Seb?"

"Everything is about Seb…" Robert muttered like he complained earlier in the day to his mother. When she'd found him panicking about everything right after sending Chris the text. He'd felt like he couldn't breathe, all he could think about was he just made a date with a man. A real date with a man and not some out of sight hook up. A real date, where he would be in public and expected to act normal…

Like it was normal.

It was going to be at The Raven.

A gay bar.

He felt his heartbeat speed up again. 

"Robert?" Aaron's voice somehow broke through the sound of his heartbeat. 

"Yeah?" he stared at Aaron. 

"She's right …something's up?"

Robert sighed. 

"Tell me?"

Robert closed his eyes. "I want to be a good father, Aaron."

Aaron nodded because he heard it before. 

"I mean it, it's all I want right now. To be a good father."

"Alright? And this date?"

"I'm a mess at relationships…destroyed every single one I've had…because I get bored, or I'm angry, but most of all with lies… lots of lies." 

"Alright?"

"I don't… I've never been myself on a date, EVER…" he ran his hands down his face.

"Is that it?"

"What?"

"You're afraid of being yourself? Being honest?"

Robert snorted. "Honesty is not a strong point."

"Not bad at it with me," Aaron smiled.

Robert felt worse. "You don't know what I'm not saying…"

"Not saying things to you either," Aaron said. 

Somehow that made Robert smile.

"Tell them about Seb," Aaron said. "That's the quickest route to the real you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Aaron nodded. "You are a good dad… and you deserve some fun now and again, right? I mean, you aren't planning to marry her, right?"

He shook his head. 

"And you need the practice, or being the real you, right?"

Robert nodded. 

"So, first time for anything. You real first date, no wonder you're nervous," Aaron chuckled. 

"You think I can…"

"I know it," Aaron said. 

Robert smiled. 

"Cab ride for Sugden?" a man shouted from the door.

Robert tensed, but hand hit his shoulder, and Aaron's face was pure reassurance. He nodded and felt himself stand up, he put the glass on the table. "Yeah, that's me…" he said and started walking toward the door of the pub and tried to remember how to breathe. He felt panicked, and he looked back.

"Go," Aaron mouthed with a grin.

Robert nodded and went.


	20. Chapter 20

Aaron frowned the second Robert’s back was turned, and he felt a churning in his gut and an urge to run after him and stop him. He shook his head at himself, what was he going to say, date me instead? To a straight guy? He sighed and wished he’d stop feeling like this about him and wished he’d stuck to his plan to avoid him for a while. But that’d ended up impossible, and he’d felt lonely — like he was missing something. It was strange how fast a person could become a fixture in your life, he thought, and he turned toward the bar, intent on pushing thoughts of Robert out of his mind. 

“Where is he off too?” Charity asked as she poured him a pint.

“Somewhere, that’s none of your business,” Aaron snapped at her.

“Alright, eesh… looked like an intense conversation.”

“When did you and Pearl switch bodies?” 

Charity rolled her eyes and turned around. 

Aaron grabbed his pint and found an empty table, he sat down and stared at the foam as it slowly dissipated. He sighed and wondered if there was something he should be doing? He did own a business now. He needed to make arrangements to stop working for Cain… Or rather just tell Cain and stop working for him. It’d take three seconds. That wouldn’t keep his mind off anything, would it…

“What’s with you?” Adam’s voice was loud as he slipped into the seat across from him. 

“Huh?”Aaron asked.

“You look like your best mate just died, and since I’m alive and very well…”

“Don’t…” he argued. 

“Alright, thought maybe you fell out with Sugden again.”

“Again?” Aaron stared at him, confused.

“Was a week or so there where you were ignoring him.”

“That wasn’t…”

“What is it with you and him?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t ya… spend all your bloody time with him.” 

_I think Adam’s jealous._ Sarah Sugden’s voice was in his head, and he hadn’t thought a thing of it at the time, but now he was staring at Adam like he’d grown an extra head. 

“What?” Adam muttered suddenly on the defense.

“We’re mates, that’s all.”

“Don’t know… something seems off with it.”

Aaron shook his head. 

“Where is he now? He about to come through the door with the baby?” 

“No,” Aaron muttered. “Where he is is none of your business.”

Adam raised an eyebrow.

“What? He’s a right to his privacy.”

“Fine… all I know is Vic, and I were meant to have a date night, but Sarah had a friend have an emergency, and Vic is with the bloody kid. But hey, we haven’t chatted about anything but scrap in forever so bright side.” 

“We have.”

“Haven’t mate… Vic’s doing my head in with the wedding planning.”

“You guys set a date?”

“Not yet, she’s doing my head in about it. She says this date, I say sure, then she goes or this date maybe… and before I know it, she’s made me for not being more decisive when she’s the one throwing dates at me willy-nilly.”

Aaron snorted. 

“It’s not funny. Tonight I was gonna try to seduce her a bit and not let wedding talk or scrapyard talk dissolve us into some dumb argument. But the kid…”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Seb’s a good kid. He’ll probably sleep most the time, go over there.”

“Vic won’t not when she’s watching him.”

Aaron frowned. 

“So, come on, what’re you up too?”

“Nothing.”

“At all?”

“Nope. Just the scrapyard, you know, keeping mum off my case a bit… going out now and again.”

“No luck, there, huh?”

Aaron shrugged.

“You don’t still have that crush on the straight guy, do ya?”

Aaron tried to shake his head, but Adam’s eyes already widened. “Seriously, mate? You’re smarter than that.”

Aaron shrugged again and tried to find the words. “It’s not like I’m picking it.”

“Alright, tell me about him, maybe we can figure out the appeal and don’t know work around it?” Adam leaned forward.

Aaron stared at him like he had two heads again. “That’s not gonna work, you git.”

“Never know… figured out a few times I liked someone for all the wrong reasons and managed to get them out of my system.”

“Yeah, two seconds after seeing another pretty girl.”

‘Then go pulling.”

“I have.”

Adam groaned. “Give me something, I’m curious.”

Aaron screwed up his face and rolled his eyes.

“Just go with me… how about word association.”

Aaron glared at him.

“Best physical attribute?”

 _Smile and eyes._. “His arse,” Aaron snapped.

“Ah, I KNEW it, you’re arseman.”

“Do one, you muppet…” Aaron groaned at the idea of Adam giving that any thought. 

Adam cackled. “Best personality trait?”

 _Great dad and snarky bastard._ “I don’t know…” he lied. 

“Aaron, come on.”

“He’s witty, alright.”

“You like them smart?”

“Probably, why he’s never seriously gone for you,” Vic’s voice alerted them to her presence, and she was laughing at her joke. 

“Haha, thanks, what a great fiancee I have,” Adam laughed. 

Vic sat down with Seb in her lap. “I couldn’t get him to settle at all, I think he misses Robert. Thought car ride might help, but he’s still all fussy.” 

On cue, Seb let out a series of unhappy cries and sounds. 

“He looks tired,” Adam said.

“He is, his eyes keep drooping, but he keeps fighting it,” Vic sighed. 

Aaron held out his hands. “Let me try.”

Vic shrugged. “He does like you.”

Aaron pulled him out of Vic’s arms and made a face at him, and it worked for a bit as Aaron settled him on his lap. But then he seemed to look around and let out another whine. It was obvious he was looking for Robert. 

“Should I call him?” Vic asked.

“Thought he went out on a date?” Adam said. “Doubt he’d want interrupting.”

Aaron focused on trying to distract Seb so he wouldn’t pipe up and tell Vic to interrupt the date — it was too important. He hated it, which was absurd, but it was all the more reason to ensure it went all right. Robert had been dead worried, he wanted an excuse to get out of it. He would jump on this, and Aaron was pretty sure he shouldn’t let that happen…

Something Sarah said when she asked him to intervene stuck in his head, along with a million things Robert mentioned and skirted around himself. He needed to find himself and find some confidence in it. 

“Don’t,” he said as Vic kept waffling about it. “He was dead nervous, I think he needs to get through it to get back out there for real…”

Vic sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Aaron nodded and went back to making faces at Seb. He seemed quieter now, at least. 

“He likes you more than me,” Vic laughed. 

Aaron shrugged.

“Could ya…” Vic started.

Aaron stared up at her.

“Take him?” she asked and glanced at Adam, hopefully.

“I…”

“Please?” She said, and Adam piped in with a please of his own. Vic put the keys to car and the house on the table. “Please,” she asked again.

Aaron nodded.

~~~

Robert ordered a brandy, but he kept twisting the glass around in circles at the table, hating that he’d gotten to the place first. The Raven was a lot more crowded than it usually was since he hadn’t snuck into it midweek on an afternoon. The atmosphere was still relaxed, and that helped a lot, but a lot of the time, he could forget it was a gay bar, and right now, that was the last thing he could.

And he was afraid he was staring, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off all the couples. Or rather some couples, some would-be couples, men alone but definitely looking. He kept feelings eyes on him, and it made him frown more and more. He probably wasn’t looking very approachable, and he sighed and realized that might put off his date.

Who was late?

He yanked his phone out his pocket and saw a text from him, at least he was a considerate late-person, Robert thought as he read it. Work kept him, now stuck in traffic, order me a pint. It was all so normal, Robert thought, almost sounded like they knew each other. They had been texting a few days, Robert knew a few things — enough to fear they could get on. He finally picked up his drink and took a sip when someone slipped into the chair in front of him. 

He knew it wasn’t Chris, he’d seen a picture. He just gaped at the man and tried to form the words, waiting for someone, but anxiety seemed to make him lose the use of his tongue.

“I’m, uh waiting for someone,” Robert finally stammered.

“My loss then,” the guy smiled and got up. 

Robert sighed in relief but split second later, he felt tense again, and he groaned and slumped a bit in seat. He needed to relax, but he felt wound up too tight — it felt like he could spring out of his chair and into the atmosphere. He wasn’t ready to do this at all. He just wasn’t. He dried his palms on his jeans and stayed where he was, though, because he was never going to be ready, was he?

Into the ocean, he thought and drank more of his drink. 

A few seconds later someone said his name and Robert looked at the man, he knew it was Chris. He was taller than Robert expected and a bit cuter than his picture show. He had dark hair and wore glasses and a business suit — proving he’d come straight from work. So not a liar, Robert thought, then shook himself mentally. Paul and Rex were good people; their friends were bound to be too. He stood up, not knowing what else to do and sighed. “I didn’t order that pint…”

“That’s alright,” Chris indicated they should sit. “I’m sorry I’m late.” 

“It’s alright,” Robert echoed him. “I understand, I used to work late a lot.”

“Really? Rex and Paul made it seem like you run your own hours?”

“Now, I do…” he scratched the back of his neck, nervous. “But before I could work for myself was all about pleasing the boss if you wanted a promotion.”

Chris nodded. “Ambitious, then?”

“Could say that,” Robert smiled, and it felt right. “Don’t know if I still am, though.”

“I am,” Chris said. “Doesn’t leave a lot of room for relationships, it kind of ended my last one.”

“Ended a lot of mine too,” Robert shrugged. 

“Rex has been on me to start dating for a while…”

“Paul’s been on me about that,” Robert laughed.

“Look, they told me you might be a bit…”

“Scared shitless,” Robert said for him. 

Chris laughed. “They were kinder about it.”

Robert nodded. 

A waitress came over. “Ready to order?”

“Go ahead, I’ll just look at the menu while you do,” Chris said.

Robert nodded and order his usual and two pints — he owed Chris the beer after all. He tried to keep his breathing even, but he felt panicky and felt stupid for it. Chris seemed alright, he wasn’t bad too look at and even seemed a bit nervous himself. He needed to relax, he finished off his brandy in one gulp.

“I’m that scary?” Chris asked after ordering the same as Robert and the waitress left.

“No, no, not all,” Robert said. “I’m just… not used to this.”

Chris nodded. “They warned me.”

“I asked them too,” Robert sighed. “It’s not that… I’m not inexperienced, I just don’t usually do this step with men.”

“Well, it’s a fun step. The mystery of the unknown, getting to know someone.”

“Usually, it’s about seduction because I want something…” Robert sighed and rolled his eyes at himself. 

“That with men or women?” Chris asked rolling with it.

“Both…” Robert ended up laughing at himself. 

“Well, how about I take the lead?”

Robert nodded.

Chris grinned and offered his hand over the table. “I’m Chris Wistow, and it’s really nice to meet you — the picture I was given did not do you justice.”

Robert blushed at that but met it with the truth. “Neither did yours.”

~~~

Aaron found himself alone in the Sugden kitchen, well not alone, Seb was in his seat, wiggling away, and watching Aaron as he got his bottle ready. Aaron shook his head. “You’re all about food, aren’t ya….wish my life was that simple.” 

He sighed and sat down while the bottle was warming up and toyed with Seb’s feet and watched his eyes dart around, and he let out a little cry. “Really missing your Dad tonight, aren’t ya?” Aaron mumbled and ended up wondering how his date was going. 

“He’s off on a date, was well nervous about it, too… Don’t worry, I doubt whoever she is will end up your mum…” Aaron sighed and hoped that was true, that Robert wasn’t out there meeting the love of his life. Or maybe he should hope it was…

Maybe he needed to see Robert with a girl on his arm to get himself over this fruitless crush. He snorted because it didn’t feel like a crush at all, but he couldn’t think too hard on that. It had to be a crush because crushes faded away. 

“I miss him too,” he muttered and shook his head. 

“Bah,” Seb looked at him and kicked his feet. 

“Something about him, huh, your dad, right? Don’t what it is. He’s a prick half the time…” Aaron sighed. “But he loves ya, more than anything else… Lucky that… you’re so lucky. You’re his world, and he’d never hurt ya.”

“Bah.”

“Think you were why he’s so nervous, he’s trying to be better, better for ya — most people that don’t do that for their kids. I love my mum, but she didn’t do that…and…well, you’re just dead lucky. I know he worries about you not having a mum, but I think you’ll be fine with just him.” 

Aaron shook himself and wondered what he was doing and what he was blathering on about. He just…he couldn’t get Robert out his head, looking fit and nervous. To go on a date. He couldn’t shake the wish it’d been with him, even knowing it was impossible. 

“Bet she likes him. He’s right fit and clever, good catch…” Aaron mumbled to Seb before he stood up to check the bottle. He took it off the heat and checked the temperature, and sat back down to wait for it cool a bit. 

“Bah, BAH…”

“I know you want your food,” Aaron laughed and swore the kid winked at him. “You’ll be a right lady or man killer yourself someday, you know. Got your father’s eyes…” Aaron rolled his eyes at himself and sighed. At least he was with an audience who couldn’t talk or spill his pathetic secret. 

~~~

Robert liked him. He was smart, fit, and they had things in common. They’d lived in the same business world with all it’s pitfalls and spent a lot of them sharing war stories. And he learned more about how Chris came out as bisexual, and it was sure maybe that was why Rex and Paul chose him for Robert’s first foray — but hearing the story hadn’t felt forced. And Chris’ fears before he stepped out held less pain than Robert’s. Still, they weren’t too different, working-class families and traditional parents. 

It made him feel better, somewhat, less alone. He leaned back in his seat and noticed that the tables around were starting to empty, and he looked at the time and felt a bit alarmed. It was nearing one in the morning, he really should get back to Seb… he’d never been gone this long from him before. It was a sudden and odd panic, and he was rushing for his phone. 

“Are you alright?” Chris asked as he sat back down.

“Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to check if my mom texted anything about Seb…”

“That’s your son, right?”

“Oh, yeah. They told you?”

“Warned me, you were a bit like them, always talking about him.”

“Didn’t think it’d be first date material.”

“I dote on my nieces, myself.”

“Yeah? I don’t know my niece and nephew well at all… family is complicated.”

“It is… did she text?”

Robert frowned as he looked a series of three messages. “Apparently, he was handed around like a hot potato…”

“What?”

“It’s…” he stared at Vic’s text. “I just, I think I need to talk to my mum and sister about foisting Seb on Aaron… or just give him to Aaron in the first place.”

“What?”

“It’s… my mate Aaron, this is the second time my family’s ended up handing him Seb when they’re supposed to be watching him.”

“He’s good with kids.”

“Seb loves him,” Robert smiled. “Sorry, there’s nothing from Aaron, so everything is probably under control. Just, I've never not been there to put him to sleep since I found out about him.”

“So, it’s weird.”

“A bit,” Robert sighed. “Dating and fatherhood are going to be hard, aren't they?”

“Probably, but it seems like you have a good support system.”

“Yeah,” he nodded and thought about Aaron giving him the shove he needed to go on this date. 

“So, we better go, get you home then.”

“I feel like I’m cutting us short…”

“Good, glad you feel that way because then you’ll say yes to doing this again?”

“Oh.”

Chris smiled at him.

“Yeah, alright…” he breathed. 

“I’ll walk you to your car.”

“Got call a taxi, actually…”

“Gives us some more time… Go on, show me photos?”

Robert grinned and spent the next fifteen minutes talking about Sebastian and hearing about Chris’ nieces. Then they were walking outside, and everything fell quiet as they approached the waiting cab, and he felt his heart hammering, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen. He knew it’d been a good night, it’d gone better than his first date with Chrissie — but of course it had, he’d been lying through his teeth that night. It was really his first date, in so many ways, and it felt like a shock it’d gone so well. That he was liked for being him and that Chris knew…

He knew the deep dark secret and didn’t care — because he was bisexual too. 

He felt a bit dazed when he found himself looking right at Chris. 

Chris smiled. “So, we are, right? Doing this again?”

“Yeah…” Robert nodded.

“So…” Chris grabbed his hand and pressed into his body space. “May I…” his eyes dipped to Robert’s mouth. 

He nodded.

It was soft and short, but he felt it. And, Robert flashed to the fact that if he’d met Chris is different circumstances, he’d push it further. He’d make it just sex and never looked back — but he didn’t want to be that guy anymore, so he smiled as Chris pulled away thankful he kept it simple and nice. 

“Night.”

“I’ll text you,” Chris said.

“I’ll answer,” Robert laughed as he got in the cab. 

He sat in the back of the cab, shaking his head, letting the shock and surprise and the enjoyment settle over him. He felt ridiculous for how nervous he’d been, yet he was holding his breath. Waiting for the anxiety to find him again because it was all so new still… 

But no, it went well, so he breathed in relief. 

He pulled out his phone then and sent a text to Aaron, wondering if he was still with Seb, or if his mother had come home… Vic’s text been stingy on details about their mother’s friend's emergency. 

A: Mum’s still out, Vic’s at Adams…little guy is putting up a fuss and won’t sleep. 

Robert frowned. 

R: Why, is he alright?”

A: He just miss ya, I think. I’ve been distracting him with that giraffe of his.

Robert smiled.

R: Sorry, Vic saddled you, sure you had better plans.

A: Nah. He’s the best date I’ve had in a while.

Robert laughed and checked the road to see where he was. 

R: Be home in about twenty minutes. 

A: We’ll be here.


End file.
